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  1. #1
    TheJaggid is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    Post Short Story: The Never-Ending Hallway

    The subject I was given this time was 'Erotic,' so beware of the content in this one.

    -----------------

    The young man stopped in front of the door and read the metal plaque with glowing letters next to it:

    “Title: One Night in the House of Forgotten Dreams”

    “This is the one,” he said to himself. “Finally...”

    He turned the knob halfway and the door suddenly swung open on its own.

    “Welcome!” He was greeted by a blonde maiden wearing nothing but a white garter belt and a nurse’s hat. She smiled, grabbed his arm, and forcefully pulled him in. “We got a handsome one this time.”

    The room was fairly small, but big enough to accommodate a few dozen people. There were sounds coming from every corner of the room: loud, orgasmic moans and yells, and the hard, wet claps of flesh on flesh.

    Exactly as he had envisioned it, it was filled with various couches, tables, and pillows, with various people sitting, stretching, or laying on them in various positions. The room was divided into four corners separated by low paper walls: An S&M corner with various devices, like a wooden horse ‘torturing’ the two girls on top of it; a costume corner with all sorts of women in different outfits; a raw corner, filled with almost nothing but women and dildos; and the reception corner, where he was right now. In each corner were also curtained doorways which led to other, deeper areas. There were some male customers in each area as well, but the women vastly outnumbered them.

    “W-what would you like to do first, sir?” asked a naked, well-proportioned, and sweaty receptionist with some difficulty. The young man could hear two separate vibrating noises coming from around her, and could guess what she was going through. The woman from before in the garter belt and nurse hat had already left to give a blowjob by the door.

    “Um, the raw corner, two women, for now,” he replied.

    “Okay. Now just (Mmm!) fill this out, and we’ll be fucking you in n-no time.” She handed him a form which he quickly filled out and handed back. “Now just wait over... One second.

    Her expression had completely changed.

    “It says here... Are you still a virgin?” she asked.

    “Uh, yeah.”

    The naked receptionist suddenly began to laugh.

    “AAAahahahaha!”

    She wasn’t alone either. Soon the man could hear laughter coming from the raw section, and then the costume and S&M section. Even the two women getting tortured on the wooden horse began to laugh.

    “S-sorry,” said the receptionist, trying to hold back her laughter. “We don’t accept inexperienced penises in here. You’ll have to leave.”

    She snapped her fingers and suddenly, inexplicably, the young man was swept off of his feet and thrown out the door by an unknown force.

    “Wait! WAIT!” He had gotten back on his feet and tried to enter through the open door again, but was blocked by an invisible barrier.

    “Buh bye,” gargled the nurse hat lady as she sucked on the penis in front of her, and waved at him. The door closed automatically in front of his face.

    He was back in the never-ending hallway.



    The “Title: One Night in the House of Forgotten Dreams” plaque next to the door dimmed out, signaling to him that it would be impossible to open the door again. Dejected, he picked up the small, white book that had fallen out of his pocket, turned to his left, and began walking down the hallway again.

    “It’s not real anyways... Not like I really miss out on anything...” he told himself.

    The hallway he was in was, in a sense, both dark and bright. The floor, walls, and ceiling were all fixed to constantly display an image, or maybe a hologram, of deep outer space. There were no lightbulbs as far as he could tell, but every 50 feet or so he could find a door, alternating from the left side to the right side, left and right left and right. The door from before, however, was the only one he had seen with a glowing plaque, and was the only door he could find that would open for him.

    He couldn’t tell if it had been weeks or months since he entered the hallway. Wandering through it looking for an exit ever since, he found that hunger didn’t exist here; at least not the hunger for food. He may have been eternally locked in here.

    He continued down the hallway, wandering through space.



    After an unknown amount of time, he found another lit plaque:

    “Title: The End of the Kingdom of All Beginnings”

    The man had never heard of it before, but opened the door and entered through anyways.

    Inside was a smaller room from the one before. It was filled with brown fabric, except for several light red pieces of cloth arching from the ceiling onto the walls in numerous places. Further ahead he could see a wooden door, as well as several pieces of wooden furniture along the way.

    The man walked further inside, passed the closest red cloth, and looked further to his left to find a large, red, silk-covered bed, on top of which lay a teenage girl.

    Her skin was of a very light brown, almost the shade of a good tan, but clearly natural. Her hair, just long enough to reach her neck at the sides, and long enough at the back to reach her bust, was a darker shade of the same color. Her proportions weren’t generous in any area, yet her figure was still very feminine.

    She lay on the bed with no blanket covering her, but she wore a jade green two-piece dress, which went well with her jade green eyes.

    She was fully awake, and staring intently at the man.

    “That’s quite a bit of courage you have to just barge into my room,” she said, although she looked neither surprised nor disturbed to find the man there. Her voice was soft, but assertive, and had a kind of tone that could almost imply complete indifference.

    He said nothing back.

    “This is royal property, you know. The penalty for trespassing is death.”

    The man again didn’t respond. He didn’t know how to think of the situation, but realized that a single wrong move or word could get him kicked out the door again.

    “Are you not afraid of death?” the girl asked, still indifferent.

    “Afraid not,” he lied.

    “Oh. So you can speak.”

    “I guess.”

    “You don’t sound very smart, though...”

    “...Really...” The man found himself unable to hide his annoyance.

    “Are you getting angry? You’d better think twice before putting up an attitude in front of royalty, peasant.” Despite what she said, the girl, or the Princess, didn’t seem very bothered by it.

    “...’Peasant?’”

    “Are you not...? Oh, that’s right. You came in through the other door, didn’t you?”

    “You just noticed? And you were saying I didn’t sound very smart...”

    The Princess seemed amused. “Hm, I suppose I deserved that one.”

    For the moment, it didn’t look like she had any intentions of just kicking him out. “What’s your story?” asked the man.

    “...What do you mean?”

    “...Let me rephrase that:” The man looked up at the ceiling. “STORY: The End of the Kingdom of All Beginnings: OUTLINE.

    The room slowly dimmed and quickly lit up again, at the same time, the girl glowed white for a moment and then returned to normal. “...I see. You’re not a normal Reader, are you, man?”

    “Tell me your story.”

    “Very well, but there isn’t much to say: The climax has already passed and the fighting, the betrayal, the deaths, my loved ones... it has all come to pass. What’s left is only me, the Queen, living my last few days in sickness ruling an empty kingdom. It’s now the denouement, basically.”

    “I see... A Tragedy, then. Wait... you’re a Queen?”

    “I’m older than I look,” she smiled.

    She looked up and down the man, noting his ragged clothes, and something bulging from his pants. “And you, I’m sure, are younger than you look. What’s that?” She pointed at it.

    The man, afraid she might be mistaking it for something else, reached into his pocket and pulled out the small, white book. “It’s my Lorist.”

    The Queen seemed faintly surprised. “A Lorist...! Then you’re a Writer? ...Does it work?”

    “No, it’s broken. You know of this?”

    “Of course I do. It has the power to create worlds, to destroy worlds, and to edit worlds. With that you could revive my kingdom.”

    The man thought for a moment. “I suppose I could... if I had the materials to fix it.” He put it back into his pocket.

    “...I happen to have those materials. Or... my kingdom is sure to have them, somewhere.”

    The man seemed surprised. “Where? ...Where exactly? Can you lead me?”

    “Yes, but it, and they, won’t be free, Writer.”

    “...What do you want?”

    “I want you to fix my kingdom, and save me from my illness.”

    There was a short silence between them. The Queen looked at the Writer with an earnest expression, but the Writer couldn’t shake off his doubts.

    “...It’s possible. But there’s only so much I can do by myself, and making those kinds of changes take a really long time. Years. What makes you think I won’t just leave once my Lorist is fixed?”

    “You can live here,” said the Queen.

    “I can’t live here, none of this is real. I need to find a way back to reality. To Earth.”

    “...Reality, huh?” The Queen considered this, seemingly ignoring the fact that the Writer had called her world fake. “Let’s say you find a way to get back to Earth. Once you arrive, what proof will you have that it isn’t actually just another creation? The Lorist even affects there, correct? You can even say that it’s possible that the original Earth has always been someone else’s work.”

    The man looked away from her. “Even so. Even if I have to keep wandering...” He paused for a moment, fell into deep thought, and seemed to reconsider something. “Even then... this world just isn’t good enough.”

    “But it is. I can tell, Writer. You’re lost. You’re sick of wandering alone.”

    The Writer didn’t respond, but he was considering her words gravely.

    “You’re looking for a place that will accept you, ‘real’ or not,” she continued. “Why not here? I’m the only person alive in this world anymore; the only person you haven’t created that you would have to deal with.”

    “...”

    “I’ll make you a King.”

    The Writer considered this. “A... King?”

    She got out of the bed and walked up to him. “A King; my King. I’ll make sure you never feel lonely again...”

    She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him towards her bed. They kissed, but the man soon grimaced and pulled out. “That hurt!”

    “Hm,” she said, and kissed the sides of his lips. “Take off my shirt.”

    He hesitated.

    “Do it; take off my shirt.” He did. After he tossed it further to the side, she reached for his hands and placed them on her breasts. They weren’t large, but she was warm, and they were soft. With his fingers he nervously played with her nipples, and then they kissed some more.

    “Now my pants; take them off... Yes, the underwear too...” He did as he was told, and then slowly caressed her legs, her hips, and her sides as her kissing moved down to his chin, and to his neck.

    Suddenly she lightly pushed him away.

    The Queen held up her hair and slowly laid on her back, then, with her other hand, she sharply pointed down to the area between her legs. “Fuck me.”

    The Writer began feeling a little dizzy; it was all happening so fast. He took off his own clothes, moved in a little, held up her legs, and then froze, uncertain of what to do next. The Queen wrapped her legs around him, and pulled him even closer.

    “What’s wrong? Need me to tell you how?” she asked.

    “N-no, it’s just... Uh, I can...”

    She softly laughed. “It’s okay, just stick it in.”

    “Yeah...” He did, and felt the heat of a woman’s pussy for the very first time. But inside was hotter and felt better than he had imagined, and before he knew it he had lost control.

    And finished.

    “I’m... I’m sorry.”

    “There’s nothing for you to apologize for; it’s not like I was expecting you to do any better.” She slowly and softly pushed him further away, and watched him slide out of her. “Ahh...”

    “You know what, I don’t think we can-“

    She stopped him from talking by locking his lips again, and then she grabbed his penis. “This isn’t over; I’m not done with you.” And she stroked him.

    He could feel her tight grip go up and down his member, and soon he was erect again.

    “Lay back. I’m going to teach you all about the pleasures of a woman.”



    Hours later:

    “You know,” said the Queen as she pulled up her underwear. “Once you begin changing everything here, you’d better not think of changing me.”

    The Writer said nothing as he watched her dress.

    “I know to you I’m just a figment of someone’s imagination. I know. But to me, I’m alive. I’ve suffered, I’ve laughed, I’ve fought, and I’ve loved...” she said, stealing a glance at him. “To me, I have lived. So...”

    “You don’t need to worry,” said the Writer. “I won’t change you. I don’t think I can change you. This... everything we just did, I don’t think I can accept it as something that never happened, or that wasn’t real.”

    “Oh,” she simply said, and turned to walk towards the door into her kingdom. “That’s fine then.”

    “It’s as real as I want it to be.”

    “...Did you say something?”

    “No; nothing.” He reached for the Queen’s arm and lightly pulled her towards him.

    “What is it?”

    “What’s the hurry? Can’t the King feast on his Queen just a little longer?” He looked into her green eyes and softly kissed her girlish hand.

    The Queen’s expression widened and her cheeks lightly flushed a rosen pink.

    With a slight stumble she said, “W-we have more important things to do! C’mon...?”

    He took her lips upon his own once more.

    “C-c’mon...” she said again, and led him back into the warmth of their bed.

    May those who accept their fate be granted happiness; to those who defy it, glory.

  2. #2
    kazenohirameki is offline Senior Member Respected Member
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    My mind can only process the first story...

    With regards to the fifth sentence: if the woman was clothed as you stated there, shouldn't there a pause or what for the man to 'check' her other bare assets. I can't believe he couldn't be taken aback by the sight he see, especially with him, being a virgin.

    I will read the rest when I have the time and make comments on them.

  3. #3
    TheJaggid is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    I was trying to keep the first part short - since in the end it didn't matter - so I skipped out on his inner thoughts. If this was in first person I would agree with you, but since it's third I had some allowance to skip unnecessary parts.

    May those who accept their fate be granted happiness; to those who defy it, glory.

  4. #4
    Yazen is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    I will read it too when I get some time today but just to let you know there are plenty of works that have a character's thoughts in them when the book is in third person.

    Example.

    "Although Jared hadn't yet experienced a woman he tried to keep his composure and his face natural as she undressed. The sight, with common features the world only knew as natural and nature, was like a whole new world opening in front of his eyes. He was frozen.."

    So yeah. haha. You could totally show what the character is feeling and thinking through description and body actions. You need not necessarily use inner dialogue to convey feelings and such

  5. #5
    Hackthru is offline Junior Member Newbie
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    Hmm, not a fan of paragraphs, are you?

    Not sure about others, but my personal preference would be to keep things compact but neat. My eyes cannot decide where to rest on with so much spacing.


    Makes for quite an interesting read, this.
    http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l105/Hackthru/Hatsunemikusiggy.jpg
    To love life is to expect nothing, and be amazed by everything.

  6. #6
    Yazen is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Yeah brother. What did I tell you last time about composition and format. Next to the plot, it's the most important thing. Many would argue that it's more important than the plot lol.

  7. #7
    Simaspina is offline Junior Member Newbie
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  10. #10
    TheJaggid is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    Oh yay, spam.

    As I said, I had some allowance to not go into inner-thoughts during the first part thanks to the third-person narrative - as opposed to how first-person makes it nearly obligatory - so I took it. I wanted it to be short because that part was largely pointless, and I intended it mostly to just tease and surprise the readers from a different forum who were expecting a full-blown orgy.

    I understand your complaints about the structure, but I can't agree with it being better to go for larger paragraphs. For one thing it ruins the pace and goes against my punchy style, for another I think a big part of your problem is with the way this site is and how wide the pages are. It looks much better on Word and on the other forum, I can say that much. Still, I'll consider trying out a more drawn out writing style next time.

    May those who accept their fate be granted happiness; to those who defy it, glory.

 

 
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