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  1. #1
    TheJaggid is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    Post Short Story: The Red Agent

    Been awhile, though surely no one cares?

    Anyways, the theme I was given for this story is 'War,' meaning I can write anything as long as it has something to do with war. I'm pretty sure this story applies. Pretty sure.

    As usual, talk shit as much as you want. I'm not saying that to provoke people, but because I personally think finding wrongs in writing is more effective that finding rights.

    So,

    The Red Agent

    Ch.1
    I hear footsteps and duck into the bushes. Keeping myself in the shadows, I listen carefully for the rhythm of his footsteps, using them to analyze my enemy’s weight, height, and basic scope of interests and fetishes. He’s probably from Green’s army, judging by how light he steps and how new his boots sound. He’s only two steps away now. I need to strike quickly and quietly.

    I scream "AAAAAaaaah!" and shoot again and again at the man, who falls to his bottom and waves his hands in front of him, as if to stop this rain of death. But that doesn’t help. I just continue shooting into them, and through them, and around them.

    Eventually, all I can see is a body covered in red. Covered in loss. Covered in death. Covered in... paint.

    "Fuck! Why'd you have to shoot me so many times!? Those shits hurt!" the man wearing green, and now red, screams at me.

    Am I hallucinating? I must be. There’s no way an enemy as ravaged with death as he could still speak to me. Even so, I say, "Fare thee well, stranger. You were a worthy adversary to the very end."

    "Up yours!" I hallucinate him saying back to me.

    Voices from deeper within the forest: “Green, ho! Are you still there, Joey?” Reinforcements? Or was there a walkie-talkie I was supposed to report into, acting as this soldier, Joey, so that no one would notice anything suspicious? Either way, more Green soldiers are on their way here. I must lay another ambush and take them by surprise.

    “Hey, look at this,” one of the soldiers says. “It looks like there was a battle... see? Green paint.”

    “That’s moss, idiot,” says another.

    “I’m here!” suddenly shouts the clearly now zombified Joey. “This fuckhead just shot me like crazy!”

    “Oh shit, we’re on our way!” shouts back his reinforcements.

    I cover the zombie’s mouth, hoping my grip is strong enough to keep him from biting me, and hide behind him, awaiting my approaching prey.

    Three Green soldiers jump out of the forest and aim at me. “There he is! Shit, he’s hiding behind Joey.”

    I begin aiming my gun, but suddenly my grip loosens and the zombie Green soldier bites my finger. He says, “Don’t worry about me, I’m a dead body.” (Then don’t talk!) “Just shoot me too!”

    They apologize, yell, and shoot, but hit nothing but the zombie. I, however, easily send three paintball bullets right into their foreheads. Three bullets... each!

    “Aaack!” they grab their faces and fall to the floor.

    I let go of the zombie and look at my finger. There’s blood. It seems... I don’t have much time left.

    “Mother fucker shot us right in the face! What’s his problem??” I hallucinate one of the soldiers saying; or might they be zombies now too?

    It doesn’t matter. Zombies or not, they were once human beings. I turn around and walk away from them... slowly. I only hope... their families may one day forgive me.

    Ch.2
    “Please! Please! Don’t shoot!” begs a Blue soldier. “I have a family! I have children! Look, I’ll show them to you now.” He reaches into his bag, and I place my gun right to his head. “Wait! Wait! I’m not dangerous, look!” The man pulls out three paper dolls between 3 and 5 inches tall each. Each has a face drawn on them, and yarn hair of different colors. He places all three on the ground in front of me. “See? This is Stacie, my youngest.” He points to the smallest doll of the three, one with yellow hair. “She wants to become an actress when she grows up. I tell her we’re too poor to afford acting school, but, to be honest, I’ve been holding back on my lunches to save up a little money. You never know, right? And this here’s Becky.” He points to the tallest doll. “She’s actually the second youngest. She grows up so amazingly fast. Makes me sometimes wonder if I’m really the father.”

    I shoot all three, in the face.

    “NOOOO! Oh, GOD!! WHY!?!?” he screams.

    “You plan to use your family to plea for your own life? Pathetic. You ask me why I killed them? To spare them the shame of having such a dishonorable man for a father!”

    He looks up at me, tears flowing down his cheeks. “No, please...!”

    “You disgust me,” I say, and shoot him in the face, just like the rest of his family.

    Some people. In any case, if this man is really from the Blue army, it must mean I’m close to the Blue base. It won’t be long before I reach my objective, and all of this can finally be over.

    To Be Continued...

    May those who accept their fate be granted happiness; to those who defy it, glory.

  2. #2
    shakuntalam1710 is offline Junior Member Newbie
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    Hiiiiiii user..........

    your story is really nice I really like it. please keep posting such stories.

  3. #3
    ShingoS1 is offline Junior Member Newbie
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    well... I am not really sure what to say... in my opinion the first chapter is obviously paintball with one guy gone berserk, but I'm kind of confused about the second chapter... and I'm also really confused whether the main character is crazy or just really into the game. But anyways you managed to get me interested therefore you must have done something right with this story

  4. #4
    TheJaggid is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    Sorry about the confusion. The second chapter and Red's close encounter with a Blue soldier is supposed to highlight a difference in attitude between how the Green soldiers play the game and how the Blue soldiers do. It might become a little clearer once I post the last two chapters.

    And thanks for reading.

    Ch.3
    I’m sitting atop a tree, looking into the Blue base. Out on the field, a mass of Blue soldiers stand at attention in front of a small blue stage. Their leader, a woman known as Boss Blue, is atop that stage, sitting on a folding chair along with three other soldiers. I can see them clearly enough, but I can’t hear them from this distance. Fortunately... they appear to have left their speaker systems on.

    What luck!

    A soldier passes a microphone to Boss Blue. She says, “Yaahahahahaa! It won’t be long now before our mightiest weapon, the ‘Bluetron Bomb,’ is ready for attack.”

    She passes the microphone to one of the soldiers sitting with her. He asks, “But what exactly is the ‘Bluetron Bomb,’ Boss?” He passes it back.

    “The ‘Bluetron Bomb’ is a bomb! Stupid! A bomb so strong it will drown this entire battlefield with our mighty blue color!”

    She passes the microphone to another soldier. “Why, how does it work, Boss? And how would anyone, like, an eavesdropping soldier from another army, know that we aren’t actually joking amongst ourselves?”

    “Joking?” she asks. “Why, of course I’m not joking! The ‘Bluetron Bomb’ is right here!” She points to a large cube several feet high covered in gray cloth. A few soldiers pull the cloth off, revealing a large glass container.

    Inside of the glass cube is a gigantic blue paintball.

    Another soldier has the microphone now. “Amazing, Boss!” he says. “But even though this bomb is so big, it surely isn’t big enough to cover the entire battlefield in blue paint?”

    “But it is! With our amazing new technology, we can compress more than a gallon of blue paint into a regular-sized paintball! By using an even bigger paintball, we now have more than enough to cover the entire battlefield.” She passes the microphone.

    "But Boss, what if someone really is listening in on us right now? Won’t they try to do something to stop us?"

    "Yaahahahahaa! How silly! Maybe we are convening in an open area with little cover, and maybe we are carelessly leaving our speaker system on, and maybe we are using very few soldiers to patrol our perimeter... But so what? What are they going to do, declare us mad and blindly try to fight us on their own?"

    They're mad! I must blindly fight them on my own!

    But before I can try, a large armada of Yellow soldiers suddenly storm through the Blue base gates. They yell "They're maaad!", and "We must fight them on our ooown!", and "Gaaah!" as they run towards the blue stage.

    Blue Boss throws away the microphone. “Destroy them,” I think she says.

    The mass of Blue soldiers quickly scatters about, revealing several paintball machine guns hidden within the crowd, as well as one large cannon. They fight.

    This is my chance, while they’re busy. Time to infiltrate the base! And off I go.

    A single Yellow soldier – no, an officer – gets much further than the other soldiers. He screams, “I have you now, Boss Blue!” and throws a yellow grenade at the stage. It explodes, gushing out yellow paint in all directions. But Boss Blue, in an instant, grabs two of the soldiers in front of her and uses them as shields against the yellow blast. She drops them just as fast and suddenly her gun is right in front of her. She shoots four times into the officer’s head. With his eyes rolling up, he falls.

    I am now hiding behind the blue stage. I can hear one of the soldiers she used say, “We were used as a shield...!” and the other used soldier says, “We can... die happily now...!”

    “Hmm?” Boss Blue mutters, ignoring them. “What’s taking so long?” She stares at the blue marks on the officer’s face, seemingly waiting for something. Suddenly the marks explode, completely covering the officer’s face in blue paint. “A delay. I want it fixed immediately.”

    “Yes, ma’am!” numerous other soldiers shout.

    “Finish up everything here. Understood?”

    The soldiers shout their understanding, and Boss Blue steps into the base.

    I follow.

    Ch.4
    This is it. My final objective is through the next door: Boss Blue’s head.

    I storm in! Aim! And! No one’s here, but there’s another door and it’s open. Steam is flowing out of it along with the sound of a shower. I make my way there–

    “Gotcha!” Boss Blue, dressed in only a blue towel, jumps out from the bathroom and shoots at me. I duck and the bullets hit the desk right above me. Remembering the previous chapter, I jump away before the bullets can explode. “It figures. The one time I need them to work properly, they don’t. You’re pretty lucky, Reddie.”

    Formidable! Very formidable!

    “You’re not lucky enough, though,” she continues. “No luck is enough to beat me.”

    “W-We’ll...” I start to say, but stumble. I’m... honestly a bit flustered by her appearance.

    “‘We’ll see about that?’ Is that what you’re trying to say?” She shoots above my cover, forcing me to move to another before the explosions get me. “You’re not the first Red agent they’ve sent to kill me, you know. You won’t be the last, either.”

    As I jump from behind one couch to another, I shoot and... I realize I’m out of ammo.

    “I see luck can only get you so far...” she says, suddenly standing next to me with her gun to my head.

    It’s over now. I'm as good as dead. I turn to look at her, so that I might see death as it comes for me, and notice...

    Her towel fell off.

    “Oh.”

    “Ah.” I note her well rounded warhead breasts and vaguely realize that there’s a ballistic missile aiming up in my pants. I get dizzy. Blood rushes to my head. I begin to tip over when suddenly the blood gushes out of my nose.

    As I slowly fall and darkness slowly, slowly descends over me, I realize that my pure red blood has spilled onto her pearl white body. Red...

    I win!

    May those who accept their fate be granted happiness; to those who defy it, glory.

  5. #5
    Yazen is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    I know after posting a short story on a forum that you can handle criticism like a champ.

    1. strong beginning. It leaves us wondering if your man is an escaped criminal having a sort of schizophrenic breakdown or if he truly is involved in a huge game

    2. Your wall of text crits too hard. You need to use better formatting when separating your protagonists thoughts and dialogue. It will just make it prettier to look at.

    3. I feel like you never outlined this short story in the beginning so you didn't really know where you were going with it.

    Unless you're specifically writing a story for the creative purpose of quick thought, it's not a good idea to drive into something completely blind.

    An eyepatch is acceptable though.

    4. This has to do with what I was talking about above. Your ending was horrible friend. It was funny, if not obvious what was going to happen. Endings are very very important. Arguably more important than your beginning. (arguably)

    Think what would happen if J.K. Rowling ended her books with "Harry killed Voldemort." ~fin

    Soo in summary some good pointers to take are Outlining, Format, direction.

  6. #6
    TheJaggid is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    Thanks for reading.

    You're quite right about the outline and ending. I wasn't going for a well-paced story as much as a series of events involving a paintball war and over-enthused idiots, so I never thought of making an outline and simply ended it whenever an ending came to mind.

    But I'm not sure what you mean about "wall of text crits too hard." If you were talking about the beginning of Chapter 2 I would understand, since that's a part I couldn't come to terms with design-wise, if that makes sense. But you're talking about the protagonist's dialogue so I don't think I follow you.

    May those who accept their fate be granted happiness; to those who defy it, glory.

  7. #7
    Yazen is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    The wall of text crit is an internet joke. Crit being short for critical and critical being used to talk about being critically hit. Like in a game. So if you have poor outline and structure for writing online, it all just looks like a big wall of text that's where you would say the joke.

    I was mostly referring to the fact that you had the protagonists thoughts talking to the reader so they should be kind of separate from plot paragraphs, as if they were their own dialogue.

    And hey I think you had a good idea in the beginning. That's the tough part about writing. Sometimes you just want to finish it no matter where the story could go.

  8. #8
    kazenohirameki is offline Senior Member Respected Member
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    You can refer to www.baka-tsuki.org to sample some online novel.

 

 

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