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Thread: Story

  1. #1
    idraax is offline Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2006

    Default Story

    Sorry, I don't have a good title. I have some of it written, but no one gives me good critiques(they're too nice) what do you guys think? This is just the beginning by the way.

    Cold. He was sure his blood had frozen. Wolf was speaking again. He blinked and stepped back, brushing against the coffee shop door. "What are you doing here," he grabbed the cast-iron door handle and yanked the door open," well?"
    "Seres, I need to show you something." Seres gave him a glare and stepped out, the door slamming behind him. Wolf sighed and followed. Seres was walking down the street, streetlamps exploding in his wake.
    "Seres," he called, "wait!" The streetlamp exploded, shrapnel scattering across the street. He caught up to Seres and grabbed his arm, "I said wait." Another streetlamp exploded, spraying them both with shrapnel. "Let go of me," Seres said, the shrapnel around him starting to swirl.
    "Please," Wolf said, "listen to me"
    "I don't have time for this," Seres wrenched his arm out of his grasp. He turned and started to walk away.
    "Please…I'm asking you as a friend." The shrapnel exploded. Seres whirled around, silver eyes holding his gold. "You," he said, every word like ice, "were never my friend." He walked past him.
    "Where are you going? We haven't finished!"
    "Get out of Cerina, Wolf."
    Wolf sighed, "You have to listen to me…it's about your soul."
    Seres stopped, "What about it?"
    "I found a piece…it's in a compass…along with….a piece of mine."
    Seres turned around, "A piece of yours? Why would a piece of yours be in a compass?"
    Wolf removed the compass from his pocket. It was small and black, edged with gold and silver. He handed it to Seres, " Here, I can't get my piece out…the collective must have known when they put it in there…"
    Seres took it, "You defied the collective?"
    "I saw what they did to you…I …I'm sorry"
    Seres looked at him sharply, "Don't be, you did it to protect Crane." He passed his hand over the compass; it glowed brightly. He closed his eyes. The compass began to flicker. Wolf could feel the air shiver and the ground beneath rumbled. The light around the compass condensed and began to rise. It floated over to Seres and sank beneath his skin. The compass went dark. Seres looked up, "they'll be looking for you."Wolf looked away, "I led them to you"
    Seres smiled, it didn't reach his eyes, "I'll be waiting" He handed the compass back, "Here, you can take your piece now." Wolf took it back and passed his hand over the compass. It produced a red and gold glow. The light pulsed before dying out. Wolf shook his head, "No good, the collective put a block on it"
    "Do you know how to remove it?"
    "It's a strong one…I'm not sure I can do it"
    "May I see it?" Wolf handed it over. Seres examined it for a few moments before handing it back. "It's a strong one….we'll need the key."
    Wolf snorted, "The collective won't hand it over just like that."
    Seres rolled his eyes, typical Wolf, "We'll need the skeleton key."
    "I don't know where it is." Seres closed his eyes and flicked them open, "It's on this planet. I can't tell where, my power's limited."
    "You didn't find all the pieces, did you?" Seres closed his eyes and shoved his hands inside his coat pockets, "No"
    "How long do we have before they get here?"
    Seres shook his head, "I don't know"
    "We should start looking," Wolf said, "where do we start?"
    Seres shrugged, "I don't know…Why don't we decide tomorrow? Do you have a place to stay?"
    Wolf shrugged, "No, I….I never thought you'd listen."
    Seres laughed, "People always surprise you…you can stay with me."

  2. #2
    mar8789 is offline Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2006


    So,.. did u have ur story drawn?

  3. #3
    Egan_Tank is offline Senior Member Well Known
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    In The NES Ya


    Umm, i think reading from the story it is the story of a novel no?? (At least a graphic novel i hope, since it's a manga community)

    If the story for a novel i think it's better if you write it in more the explanation of Wolf's and Seres' face characterization (e.g.: Wolf --the man with a beard so long it nearly touches the ground-- was speaking again.)
    Here comes the Tank!

  4. #4
    mar8789 is offline Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2006


    i think it's nice. reading it give me a mysterious feeling.. and suspense.. i love manga the most. so whenever i read story like yours, my mind will start to imagine the story in manga version, heh heh...

  5. #5
    member11 is offline Junior Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Sep 2008


    Well, this is just my idea and I hope it won't offend you. Let me see... your opening seem to be a little lacking since it start with one word 'cold'. Have you ever play the Indigo Prophecy or Frainheit (PS2/X-box) or maybe some other movie which have an opening where the story start with talking about themselves, their situation or something? How about starting like " if Hell stop burning and snowing in there..." or something, made it a bit excited to get people attention. If this is a novel, some description about the character appearance, behavior or history would be nice since some people do like to know more about the character. If it's a manga/comic, the drawing would explain all depend on what expression the character gave and slowly making future plot on revealing the character past. By the way, is it better to say that 'as he stand in the snow, he felt numb(or stiff) like every blood in his vein stop flowing as if they were frozen to block". When Wolf asked what was Ceres doing there, I can feel like he is tough and cold, but the word "Well?" seem a little weak reply to me. Sometimes body language said it all with hand crossed in front of his chest and a cold glare making Ceres nervous or something would be ok if he is a silence type but words is better, sometimes. Your English need some work since I don't understand some of the story like "You were never my friend" seem a bit confusing but hey, your English is better than mine so if you want to argue or complaint about mine, feel free to do so since I had many problem using English language. If it was me, I would say "you had never been a friend of mine. Never was and never will be." Another opinion came when Seres said "We haven't finished", I would say "Because it(the conversation) never started". Do you have a unique name for the collective or would you use two or a longer name to make it sounds a little mysterious or sinister.
    Well, that all I can think of it, I am not much of a critique but I try. Sorry if I somehow offended you and the long speech, just ignore me if you want to. Overall, the story really do sound interesting and there are suspense, mysterious and dark element in them. I am looking forward for the next part.

  6. #6
    Reuo9811 is offline Junior Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2009

    Thumbs up You work for me

    "Oh," I said, rocking my chair back against the wall; I sat thereperched on two rear legs of the chair.Mike did the same thing."Do you know what the offer is?" I asked."No, but we'll soon find out."Suddenly, Mike's dad burst through the rickety screen door and onto the porch. Mike and I jumped to our feet, not out of respect but because we were startled."Ready boys?" Mike's dad asked as he pulled up a chair to sit downwith us.We nodded our heads as we pulled our chairs away from the wall to sit in front of him.He was a big man, about 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. My dad was taller, about the same weight, and five years older than Mike's dad. They sort of looked alike, though not of the same ethnic makeup. Maybe their energy was similar."Mike says you want to learn to make money? Is that correct, Robert?"I nodded my head quickly, but with a little intimidation. He had a lot of power behind his words and smile."And you don't?" I asked."No, not really," said rich dad. "If you want to learn to work for money, then stay in school. That is a great place to learn to do that. But if you want to learn how to have money work for you, then I will teach you that wow power leveling. But only if you want to learn.""Wouldn't everyone want to learn that" I asked."No," said rich dad. "Simply because it's easier to learn to work for money, especially if fear is your primary emotion when the subject of money is gold""I don't understand," I said with a frown. buy wow gold for cheap ..."Don't worry about that for now. Just know that it's fear that keeps most people working at a job. The fear of not paying their gold, The fear of being gold, The fear of not having enough money. The fear ofstarting over. That's the price of studying to learn a profession or trade, and then working for money. Most people become a slave to money... that is wow power leveling web page for cheap wow power leveling, and then get angry at their boss.""Learning to have money work for you is a completely different course of study?" I asked."Absolutely," rich dad answered, "absolutely.""OK, here's my offer. I'll teach you, but I won't do it classroom-style. You work for me, I'll teach you. You don't work for me, I won't teach you. I can teach you faster if you work, and I'm wasting my time if you just want to sit and listen, like you do in school. That's my offer. Take it or leave it.""Ah... may I ask a question first?" I asked."No. Take it or leave it. I've got too much work to do to waste my time. If you can't make up you mind decisively, then you'll never learn to make money anyway. Opportunities come and go. Being able to know when to make quick decisions is an important skill. You have an opportunity that you asked for. School is beginning or it's over in ten seconds," Mike's dad said with a teasing smile."Take it," I said. `"Take it," said Mike."Good," said Mike's dad. "Mrs. Martin will be by in ten minutes. After I'm through with her, you ride with her to my superette and you can begin working. I'll pay you 10 cents an hour and you will work for three hours every Saturday.""But I have a softball game today," I said.Mike's dad lowered his voice to a stern tone. "Take it or leave it," he"I'll take it," I replied, choosing to work and learn instead of playing softball.



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