Can I can I can I point out mistakes, and give hints?
WARNING: spoilers below.
"a ruler who enslaved the the people"Remove a "the."
hint: Use Wild Words Roman for your text.
torrent (If you dl this, can you up it on megaupload/mediafire/sth?)
"Years passed but one day, the evil king had suddenly died."I whould re-word this.
"Years passed... And out of no where, the king was dead."
This sounds bad too. But maybe there's a way to fix it.
"Some say it was because [...]"
"Wile others said he [...]"
Either use "say" or "said" but not the two together. Keep it consistant.
"While others said he died because he got AIDS with all the ghey butt smex."
"Either way, no one knows exactly how it happned."I would suggest making it into two boxes. (And add the comma after "way")
"With Tazmo's reign over, many have fallen in the war but they will not be forgotten."This sentence makes it sound like many had fallen because Tazmo's reign was over.
"Tazmo's reign was now over. Many had fallen in the war, but they will not be forgotten."
"[...] and all was peacefully."
hint: Instead of the "X years" you should actually add a number, I think. It's your call tho.
"Until suddenly one day the Mods from StopTazmo Island AKA (ST Island) suddenly starting tattacking eachother for ownership of each other's subsections."You use "suddenly" twice, so you should take one out. Also, it's not "starting attacking."
"Until suddenly one day, Mods from StopTazmo Island (A.K.A. St Island) started attacking eachother for ownership of each others' subsections."
"Soon the peaceful place known as ST Island had started to crumble under the Mod's ambitions to take over the land for themselves."You have already stated that this place is known as ST Island, so you should leave that out.
"Soon, this peaceful place started crumbling under the Mods' ambitions to take over the land for themselves."
"The Mods soon split up. Leaving each person to their own." "They soon split up, leaving each person to their own."
"And soon the attacks started, sending people to steal from other's subsections."You use "soon" way too much, imho.
"Within no time, the attacks started, sending people to steal from thers' subsections."
I don't know about "sending people" though. I guess it could work.
"And so, this once united kingdom has split into subsections, leaving every man from themself. The power stuggle still continues between the Mods to this day. No one knows how it started or how it will end, but The Adventure of Sir Stubby starts today!""[...]leaving every man for themselves."
Overall, I think you need to rething this "subsection" thing. In the begining, they have subsections but they're peaceful. Now at the end, you say "this once united kingdom has split into subsections," but it was always divided. You might need to change what they're figting over.
Also, I think you're mixing your text between present and past tense. You might want to make it consistant. If you're talking about the past, like you are in this first chapter, you should make everything past tense.
You might want to look for a proof reader. :P
Not bad, I like it so far. What happend to Kaom tho? I though she was on the first page.