Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    30

    Default Romance scene please help

    Mods can you please close this?

    Thread

    Thanks

    Ok I need some help with a scene Im working on. It is a romance scene between my 2 main characters and is also where they first start to feel for each other.

    This is the first scene like this I have done so anything would help (gramer and other editing is currently underway just need story help)

    Can you please take alook and see if I need to add or take out anything.

    Well here it is:

    Scene 9-

    Yamka had dreamed of seeing Algoma someday. She could not believe that she was finally there. She ran around every part Algoma, the wind in her hair, the sun over the flowers of every color and shade paving the landscape, and they combined scents rushing into her nose it was like nothing she had ever experienced. She was happier now than she had ever been in her life and it was all because Hania let he come along.

    As Enupay set up the training ground Hania went over to sit on a large rock over looking Algoma this place was like nothing he had ever seen.

    Hania- Now I can see why she wanted to come here so badly.

    Looking out over Algoma he realized that this place was like nothing he had ever seen. The colors, the smells, and best of all he was there with his best friend. At that moment he noticed Yamka playing in the flowers by the stream. Hania could not take his eyes off her. The sun glimmering off her long tan hair, the way she was prancing around on the landscape of beauty that seem like only a reflection of her, and the way she laughed he had never seen her like is there was something different about her. He began to feel something in side of him that was never there before.

    Hania- what is wrong with me. It is just Yamka I have seen her happy before.
    Hania (thinking to himself) - I feel so happy, lightheaded, and why can’t I stop thinking about her?

    Yamka did not notice Hania starring at her until she was standing on a small rock next to the stream. She could now see how intently he was looking at her as if he was looking into her very soul.

    Yamka (thinking to herself) - Why is he looking at me like that?
    Enupay- Catch! (He yelled)

    Throwing a small spear to his son with a small thump it landed on his head.

    Hania- Ouch that hurt (now starting to come to his senses)
    Enupay- Son are you awake over there (he said starting to laugh a little bit)

    As Hania bent over to pick up the spear that his father kindly through to him. He noticed the Yamka was starring at him (still trying to figure out what Hania was starring at her for) All he could do was look back into her eyes. For the first time he could see her green glittering eyes, her light tan hair like silk waving in the breeze, the only thing he could do was put his hand up and wave.

    Yamka (thinking to herself) – O no he saw me! What do I do! What do I do!

    Startled by his sudden movement and her confusion Yamka lost her balance and fell (splash). She was now in the water. Hania seeing what just happened and started running to her aid. He ran faster than he ever though he could. As Hania got closer to the water he tripped over a small branch on the ground sending him tumbling into the water as well.

    Hania (thinking to himself) – I can’t believe that just happened.

    As Hania rose his head out of the water his fur was sagging and heavy from being wet. This filling Yamka will warm feelings and made her laugh. She had never seen Hania like this before.

    Yamka (thinking to herself) – Why do I feel like this? I feel strange but what could be causing it?

    Hania finally regain his balance in the water after several failed attempts to stand. Now standing straight out of the water he could hear Yamka still laughing a few yards down stream from him. Yamka started to feel that strange feeling return as Hania got closer. She could see his thick black hair now shinning in the sun light, the water dripping from his body, and the way his face with a little smile of embarrassment on his face the only thing she could think to do was start to giggle.

    Hania- What is so funny Yamka? (He said jokingly) How’s the water over there (he said joking again)
    Yamka- (she started to giggle) could… Could you please?
    Hania- O… So now you want to get out of the water do we? (He said jokingly)
    Yamka- Yes please…

    And with one quick pull Yamka was on her hooves again. But she was now face to face with Hania and the feeling inside of her was stranger than ever.

    Hania- Are you ok Yamka (He said with a kind caring voice)
    Yamka- Yes… I’m ok just a little wet (they both start to laugh again)
    Hania- Well I’m glad… very glad. I don’t know if I could live with my self if you got hurt Yamka.

    She could not respond. The only thing she could do was stare in to his black glowing eyes, she could not understand what was happening to her she knew this buck almost from birth but now he seemed so different to her. He starred back into her green sparkling eyes and felt a strange need to touch her. He raped his arms around her softy as not to startle her. He could now feel how soft her fur was and see now nice her hair looked up close for the first time. He could feel his heart racing. Hania did not know where to go from here all he could do was stand there with Yamka in his arms. With a small act of passion Yamka kissed Hania on the cheek. Startled by her kiss he let go of Yamka, slipped on the grass and fell back into the water. He felt like a spirit dancing on the clouds. If it where not for the water he would most likely fly away. This time it was Yamka to help her fallen friend out of the water. Quickly stepping away knowing what she had just done. Yamka stood on shore blushing so hard Hania could see it through her light brown fur. He walked back up to her still not knowing what just happened or why. But he did know it made him feel happy. Happier than he has ever been. He walked back up to her putting his soft hands on each side on her face now looking deep into her eyes. He moved his head closer to hers.

    Yamka (thinking to herself) – I don’t know why, but I want this, I always have (closing her eyes slowly as Hania move’s his face closer)

    But before Hania could finish what he was doing he was interrupted by a deep voice
    in the distance.

    Here is the story up to this point if you would like to see how it got to this point.

    Story

    Thanks alot

  2. #2
    deuce22 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    4,146

    Default

    awwww....if i had more time i'd read this and tell u what i think. Umm...and the next time i'll probably be able to sit down and read it will be a while...ahaha. Sorry~


  3. #3
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    30

    Default

    sorry I know it is kind of long but is a script for my animated show I'm working on so am trying do be as detailed as I can so I can draw out the scenes.

    And this is part of the pilot script so it is alittle long first one will be 1 hour long than will only be 1/2 hour shows after that.

    So is this scene ok or is there anything I need to work on (other than grammat and spelling this is being edited).

  4. #4
    kaom is offline Senior Member Always Around
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,425

    Default

    Sorry...I read this ages ago and never replied! Yeesh.

    I think it moves a bit quickly at the beginning, for my tastes. I like how you've set it up, and how they're interrupted - it leaves room to develop things some more before anything concrete happens. But, I think you could draw it out more. Drop more hints at it throughout the story (like his staring), so that this doesn't come out of nowhere. The water part is good. ^__^

    Edit - Ah, I see you have another thread up. I'll try to read that one later, too.

  5. #5
    Ambience is offline Junior Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Australia, Adelaide
    Posts
    4

    Default fun fun fun!!!

    Lol, okies here ya go, i had a little fun fitting myself in your environment and atm i have work to go to, but i thought u might be a little interested to see what your work might look like if its a little cleaned up and writen not for screenplay but as a bit of lit.
    Haha, anyways i might finish it i might not, but thanx for the fun, i hope it helps you. XD

    Yamka had dreamed of seeing Algoma one day. She could not believe that she was finally here. She ran across every part of Algoma she could see, enjoying the feel of the wind in her hair, the warmth of the sun on her face and the sweet yet earthly scent of the flowers the littered the plains in every colour. It was more than she could take and an onrush of euphoria left her slightly weakened. Right now, she was happier than she had ever been and it was all because Hania had let her tag along (this bit here can vary depending on the circumstance of her being able to go, atm its written as if she wasn’t supposed to go).

    Hania seated himself upon a large rock facing out to Algoma. He could hear the faint banging noises, Enupay made as he set up the training ground, but the sight before him held his gaze in wonder and he understood why Yamka had insisted so forcefully that she should come with them (once again written as if she wasn’t meant to go).

    Taking in the sights and scents of this beautiful land he wasn’t aware that he had become focused on Yamka, unaware that he watched her beautiful figure and long tanned hair as it glimmered in the sunlight. There was this feeling inside of him, an airy feeling yet not like there was emptiness but rather filled with something almost tangible. His heart beat a little faster as she pranced across the landscape that seemed to be a reflection of her own beauty. His eyes followed her to the river where she sat upon a rock ringed with flowers.
    Here she was nothing like before; he had never heard her laugh the way she did now, nor see her smile so widely and those smooth rose lips…
    He caught himself in mid thought, what am I thinking?
    I feel so happy and light headed, and why can’t I stop thinking about her?


    Yamka finally sat down to rest on a rock ringed by flowers, she looked up to where Enupay was setting up the training ground and suddenly felt a little guilty for not helping out. Then she noticed Hania. His gaze met hers but it didn’t feel as though he was just looking at her, but rather as if he could see deeper, something more meanigful than her appearence.
    Why’s he looking at me like that? she thought curiously.

    “Hey, Hania, Catch!” shouted Enupay, who threw a small spear toward his son.
    A small thump and a yelp of pain signified Hania’s inattentiveness and brought him back to his senses.
    Last edited by Ambience; 07-20-2007 at 02:57 AM.
    white clouds rush under us,
    Cold winds brush against our cheeks,
    up here in these blue skies,
    we can fly as high and as far as our hearts will take us
    ~ Claus Valca

  6. #6
    ajoliaa is offline Junior Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    13

    Default

    have a nice deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. #7
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    30

    Default

    Thank you all very much for posting

    and Ambience thanks alo for the help I got some ideas for this scene and of how to this little part of the love story flow better.

    If you see anything else that need fixing please let me know, Im new to writing so everything helps.

  8. #8
    Ambience is offline Junior Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Australia, Adelaide
    Posts
    4

    Default

    no probs,

    if u want, i can always help with the editing and give my opinion on the flow so if ur interested my email is: gearyja@hotmail.com

    i need all the editing practice i can get lol so its all cool
    Last edited by Ambience; 08-11-2007 at 02:04 AM.
    white clouds rush under us,
    Cold winds brush against our cheeks,
    up here in these blue skies,
    we can fly as high and as far as our hearts will take us
    ~ Claus Valca

 

 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
vBulletin Skin by: ForumThemes.com
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.0
Copyright © 2014 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79