Mods can you please close this?
Ok I need some help with a scene Im working on. It is a romance scene between my 2 main characters and is also where they first start to feel for each other.
This is the first scene like this I have done so anything would help (gramer and other editing is currently underway just need story help)
Can you please take alook and see if I need to add or take out anything.
Well here it is:
Yamka had dreamed of seeing Algoma someday. She could not believe that she was finally there. She ran around every part Algoma, the wind in her hair, the sun over the flowers of every color and shade paving the landscape, and they combined scents rushing into her nose it was like nothing she had ever experienced. She was happier now than she had ever been in her life and it was all because Hania let he come along.
As Enupay set up the training ground Hania went over to sit on a large rock over looking Algoma this place was like nothing he had ever seen.
Hania- Now I can see why she wanted to come here so badly.
Looking out over Algoma he realized that this place was like nothing he had ever seen. The colors, the smells, and best of all he was there with his best friend. At that moment he noticed Yamka playing in the flowers by the stream. Hania could not take his eyes off her. The sun glimmering off her long tan hair, the way she was prancing around on the landscape of beauty that seem like only a reflection of her, and the way she laughed he had never seen her like is there was something different about her. He began to feel something in side of him that was never there before.
Hania- what is wrong with me. It is just Yamka I have seen her happy before.
Hania (thinking to himself) - I feel so happy, lightheaded, and why can’t I stop thinking about her?
Yamka did not notice Hania starring at her until she was standing on a small rock next to the stream. She could now see how intently he was looking at her as if he was looking into her very soul.
Yamka (thinking to herself) - Why is he looking at me like that?
Enupay- Catch! (He yelled)
Throwing a small spear to his son with a small thump it landed on his head.
Hania- Ouch that hurt (now starting to come to his senses)
Enupay- Son are you awake over there (he said starting to laugh a little bit)
As Hania bent over to pick up the spear that his father kindly through to him. He noticed the Yamka was starring at him (still trying to figure out what Hania was starring at her for) All he could do was look back into her eyes. For the first time he could see her green glittering eyes, her light tan hair like silk waving in the breeze, the only thing he could do was put his hand up and wave.
Yamka (thinking to herself) – O no he saw me! What do I do! What do I do!
Startled by his sudden movement and her confusion Yamka lost her balance and fell (splash). She was now in the water. Hania seeing what just happened and started running to her aid. He ran faster than he ever though he could. As Hania got closer to the water he tripped over a small branch on the ground sending him tumbling into the water as well.
Hania (thinking to himself) – I can’t believe that just happened.
As Hania rose his head out of the water his fur was sagging and heavy from being wet. This filling Yamka will warm feelings and made her laugh. She had never seen Hania like this before.
Yamka (thinking to herself) – Why do I feel like this? I feel strange but what could be causing it?
Hania finally regain his balance in the water after several failed attempts to stand. Now standing straight out of the water he could hear Yamka still laughing a few yards down stream from him. Yamka started to feel that strange feeling return as Hania got closer. She could see his thick black hair now shinning in the sun light, the water dripping from his body, and the way his face with a little smile of embarrassment on his face the only thing she could think to do was start to giggle.
Hania- What is so funny Yamka? (He said jokingly) How’s the water over there (he said joking again)
Yamka- (she started to giggle) could… Could you please?
Hania- O… So now you want to get out of the water do we? (He said jokingly)
Yamka- Yes please…
And with one quick pull Yamka was on her hooves again. But she was now face to face with Hania and the feeling inside of her was stranger than ever.
Hania- Are you ok Yamka (He said with a kind caring voice)
Yamka- Yes… I’m ok just a little wet (they both start to laugh again)
Hania- Well I’m glad… very glad. I don’t know if I could live with my self if you got hurt Yamka.
She could not respond. The only thing she could do was stare in to his black glowing eyes, she could not understand what was happening to her she knew this buck almost from birth but now he seemed so different to her. He starred back into her green sparkling eyes and felt a strange need to touch her. He raped his arms around her softy as not to startle her. He could now feel how soft her fur was and see now nice her hair looked up close for the first time. He could feel his heart racing. Hania did not know where to go from here all he could do was stand there with Yamka in his arms. With a small act of passion Yamka kissed Hania on the cheek. Startled by her kiss he let go of Yamka, slipped on the grass and fell back into the water. He felt like a spirit dancing on the clouds. If it where not for the water he would most likely fly away. This time it was Yamka to help her fallen friend out of the water. Quickly stepping away knowing what she had just done. Yamka stood on shore blushing so hard Hania could see it through her light brown fur. He walked back up to her still not knowing what just happened or why. But he did know it made him feel happy. Happier than he has ever been. He walked back up to her putting his soft hands on each side on her face now looking deep into her eyes. He moved his head closer to hers.
Yamka (thinking to herself) – I don’t know why, but I want this, I always have (closing her eyes slowly as Hania move’s his face closer)
But before Hania could finish what he was doing he was interrupted by a deep voice
in the distance.
Here is the story up to this point if you would like to see how it got to this point.