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  1. #1
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
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    Default Need some help with the begining of my story

    Storyline-

    763 years after the fall of man a young Honovian male named Hania Dyani age 16 that is about to under go a test of to become a Guardian like his father before him. Along with his best friend Yamka Elu age 15 will face the hardships and Triumphs of the 7 trials of Essen chant. Unknown to Hania, Yamka hold a spiritual bond with her friend that is much more than just friendship. She can feel everything he feels. Along there Journey Hania will put to the greatest test anyone could endure the death of his family. In the end will Hania be strong enough to endure the pain and sadness of the greatest thing anyone one can loss his family? Or will Hania fall by the way side as so many others before him?

    Now the begining of the chapter (it starts at the end of the story-

    http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/4/.../Scene%201.doc

    If you have any questions or can offer any advice please post.

    Thanks for viewing...

  2. #2
    kaom is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Wow, very dramatic. I hope this isn't the very end of the story, though. See, I find that kind of frustrating - you build up the tension, then hop back to the beginning, then work your way back to that point...only to give the conclusion. It's kind of deflating. Now, if this scene happens in the middle of your story, that's pretty awesome. (This is of course just my opinion - I'm not fond of that story structure, I think it's kind of cheap.)

    Now, things you could work on...the first and most obvious problem with your story is this: it isn't one. It's a script. You're either writing this to be performed by people, or you're going to have to rewrite it, I'm afraid.

    Now, another area you need to work on is your English. Grammar and similar words with different meanings, mostly. I'll fix up your teaser and post some corrections from the Word doc here:

    763 years after the fall of man (Is this a specific event that should be capitalized?), a young Honovian male named Hania Dyani age 16 (Why is this important to know? You did just say he was young.) is about to undergo (Undergo is one word.) the test to become a Guardian like his father before him. Along with his best friend Yamka Elu age 15 (Same thing.) he will face the hardships and Triumphs of the 7 trials of Essen chant (Capitalization seems random, but I can't tell without knowing more of the plot.). Unknown to Hania, Yamka holds a spiritual bond with her friend that is much more than just friendship. She can feel everything he feels. Along their (I'll discuss this below.) journey Hania will put to the greatest test anyone could endure: the death of his family. In the end will Hania be strong enough to endure the pain and sadness of losing the greatest thing anyone can? Or will Hania fall by the wayside (Wayside is one word.) like so many others before him?
    All right.

    There = a place. "Over there."
    They're = they are.
    Their = it belongs to them. "Their journey."


    For the Word doc...it's mostly the same kind of problem. Three people stand on a cliff - they don't "stands" on it. "Suck" should be "such." It should be "No, it is you who doesn't see!" "Where" and "were" are different words. You also have a lot of sentences that just run along without any punctuation, and they need it. So just work on your grammar a bit. :3

    One more thing - she can't be aiming a bow at them AND pull the doll out of her bag at the same time, unless she has three hands. ~__^

    Hope that helps.

  3. #3
    zoik is offline Senior Member Well Known
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    Quote Originally Posted by kaom View Post
    One more thing - she can't be aiming a bow at them AND pull the doll out of her bag at the same time, unless she has three hands. ~__^

    Hope that helps.
    a crossbow could be the solution to that
    its not that i dont respect your opinion, i just dont want to hear it!


  4. #4
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    If you want to hit anything with a crossbow, you'll be using 2 hands, otherwise it's just for show.

  5. #5
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
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    Thank you so much for the help I forgot I posted the the really rough drawf of the story lol. In the remake she aims the bow after the doll scene so it makes more since. This is going to be the script for an animated show Im working on for school so thats why it is in script form.

    If you like here is the first character of the story (it is being edited and revisions have been made up to act 6)... Can you tell me what you think so far?

    The Story is told through the Narration or Hania's older self.

    Chapter 1- Childhoods Final Days

  6. #6
    Solenoid is offline Junior Member Newbie
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    all i can say is never introduce your characters right away as it leads to a dry and awkward read, since your story will start resembling a list or a D&D character sheet. have a 1st person perspective start off as a kicker and something to hook the reader. Have the protagonist refer to themselves in 1st person as well, so the reader doesn't know who the person in, but gets in touch with their personality and psyche first. Of course, that's not the only way, but it's one way that i've found to be very successful. The best part is it leaves a lot of room for character development without impeding on movement of plot. :> my 2 cents

  7. #7
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
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    If you would like to read the rest of the first chapter this scene may make more since. I'm starting the story with a dream that my main character has, it will also be a small part of the end of the first part of the story.

    Chapter 1 (Still being edited by my teacher will post when I get it back)- Childhoods Final Days

    Thanks

 

 

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