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  1. #11
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
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    Seen 11-

    Hania could hear a strange voice in his head again. He raised his head into the sky and closed his eyes trying to understand what it was saying. The voice sounded familiar some how like someone he knew long ago.

    Voice of the spirit- Have no fear young one attack I will guide your actions.
    Hania- What?
    Voice of the spirit- Let go Hania, let me guild your actions and focus on the task at hand
    Hania- Alright

    As Hania began to realize the strange presents in his body. He could feel that it would not hurt him. But there was still something familiar about the spirit it almost reminded Hania of his father.

    Hania (thinking to himself)– I love father with all my being but to make him happy and to ready me for the journey ahead of me I must attack…

    Hania- I don’t want to hurt you father. But I know now what I must do.

    As Enupay readys himself for his sons attack. Hania starts to charge him. (Crack) his first strike is blocked with ease by Enupay, but Hania dos something unexpected. With both Hania and Enupay back to back now he swiftly kicks his fathers spear out of his hands. As the object of pain now rolled on the ground. Hania quickly turned around and pointed the spear point at the back of his father’s neck.

    Enupay- Very good son, where did you learn to do that?

    Hania did not answer the spirit still had control over his body.

    Enupay- What’s wrong with you? (Saying as he turned around)

    Hania now new that the spirit in side him was not trying to help him. He would not try to hurt his father. Hania was now scared he and could no longer control his body. With another hit from the spear Enupay was on the ground.

    Enupay- Why are you doing this son! The training is over you have proven you can defend yourself it is over!

    Hania was now fighting with all his spirit trying to regain control of his body before he did something he could not take back. The spirit in side him seemed to have only one goal in mind the death of his father.

    Grabbing Enupay by the neck and lifting him off the ground. The spirit now had total control for his body.

    Hania- Enupay my old friend how nice to see you again!
    Enupay- Son what are you doing? Put me down! You are not your self!
    Hania- Your son can not hear you I have taken control of his body, Well brother we will meet again very soon.

    The Spirit’s true identity Is now known he is Enupay’s younger Brother Tohopka, Dyani that was banish to the afterlife after Enupay discover him practicing the forbidden art of the hunt that he used to destroy the village of Awenasa, Yamka’s former home. With his life in Topanqa over Tohopka formed group of others killed after performing the forbidden arts. All swearing to add Tohopka in his search for revenge. Tohopka now sets his eyes on his former brother and the last of his family.

    Enupay- Bro… Brother? But…but how? You are dead I dispatched you my self.
    Tohopka- No I am not dead in spirit anyways. I have learn this power so that I can finally bring you down brother! I know you can not do anything to stop me. I’m afraid that you do not have the heart you harm your own son. Now brother I avenge myself upon you. Now Die!!!
    Yamka- Hania no!!!
    Tohopka- He can’t hear you little girl your friend is gone, (laughing) I will being coming for you soon, I have not had any female company for along time.
    Yamka- Hania please fight him! You must fight him!

    Hania knew that if he did not do something soon he would witness the death of his beloved father by his own hands.

    Hania- Please don’t make me do this, I can’t, I can’t live with the knowledge that I killed my own father. Please don’t make me hurt him. (Starting to cry)
    Tohopka- You don’t have a choice Hania, I’m in control now I can do want I will.
    Hania- Plea… Please no don’t make me do this…

    With Hania now crying with in himself and his father on his knees, Tohopka razes the spear into the air and quickly brings the spear point down for the kill.

    Yamka- Hania fight him!
    Voice of a stranger- Noooooooooo!!!
    Tohopka- What!?
    Voice of a stranger- I have not journeyed all this way just to see my friend die at your hands! This madness must end! Now!

    With a swift kick to the side Tohopka was brought to the ground his spear landing in the strangers hands. Now turning the spear to Tohopka.

    Voice of a stranger- Tohopka this madness must end and you with it Die!
    Yamka- Nooooo!

    Yamka runs over to Hania and throws herself on top of him stopping the stranger from completing his action.

  2. #12
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
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    Enupay- Tyion! Please don’t hurt my son!
    Tyion- Your…Your son? By Enupay he was just about to kill you!
    Enupay- Please Tyion he has been possessed by Tohopka! Please don’t hurt my son.
    Tohopka- Hahahaha! What’s the mater Tyion aren’t you happy to see me again.
    Tyion- What!?
    Tohopka-Hahahahahaha! Now come on Tyion we where closer than that. Hahahaha!
    Tyion- Tohopka but why? How? I witnessed your death! Looks like this vermin will need to die once again!
    Hania- Please… Don’t hurt… Yamka please… Please move
    Yamka- I will not! I can’t live with out you at my side.
    Tyion- Young one please move! This creature must die!
    Yamka- I will not leave Hania here to die like this! If you kill him you will have to kill me to!
    Tohopka- O come on Tyion you know you want to kill me. Just do it!
    Tyion- Young one move! Now! I can end this with one strike of this spear! Move! Now!
    Enupay- Please Tyion don’t! He is my son… Tyion!
    Yamka- Please Don’t hurt him… Please!
    Tohopka- Will it looks like you have you have won this fight Tyion! But will meet again! But I have one last surprise for you brother don’t think I would just leave with out a small consolation prize did you… Attack!

    With Tohopka’s order one of his minions fired an arrow at Enupay hitting him in the upper stomach. Tyion and Yamka didn’t even hear the arrow being shot. Enupay now felling the arrow in his stomach shattering his ribcage and falls to the ground. At that same moment Tohopka returns Hania’s body to him.

    Enupay- Haaaaaa!
    Tyion- Enupay! No!
    Yamka- Mr. Dyani! Your bleeding Tyion he needs help!
    Hania- Father noooooo! (now seeing the blood pooring form the wound)

    Now seeing a group of 3 others on a small hill near the forest edge with weapons in hand. Tyion stands ready to defend his long time friend, and his family

    Tyion- Run for cover young ones looks like we are not yet out of Tohopka’s grasp.
    Hania- No! Not after what he did to me! I will fight at your side to protect Yamka and Father. I want to pay them back for what he did to father!
    Tyion- You are a brave one Hania just like your father, but he needs your help now please take him and your young friend. Protect them Hania! Run! Now!
    Enupay- Stay strong Tyion, I know you can take these guys, I just wish I could fight them along side you once again my old friend.
    Tyion- hahahaha I know you find away to make your self useful, you always do. Now get moving!
    Voice from the forest- Well Tyion looks like we will finally get the change to see who is the better fighter! Hahahahaha!

    Tyion looks up in the direction of the voice, and can see a large creature moving out of the forest into view.

    Voice for the forest- Now my old friend it is time for you to die along with those other pests. You can call me Helushka try to remember the name for I will be the one to kill you all!
    Tyion- Helushka if you want them you will have to dispatch me first! I will not let you hurt the young ones.
    Helushka- I was planning on it Tyion. Matchitehew, Matchitisiw, and Ohanzee I will get Tyion you three can do what you like with the other.
    Matchitehew, Matchitisiw, Ohanzee- Yes sir
    Helushka- The hunt will now begin! Attack!

    With weapons drawn the small hunting party charged Tyion and the rest of the small group. With Enupay injured Tyion was the only thing standing in there way.

    Tyion- I will not let you pass! You will have to kill me if you want them!
    Helushka- Now come on Tyion you know that deer are the better fighters, You horses are to big, slow and stupid to be to much a threat to me!
    Tyion- We will soon see. Ahhhhhhhh!

    With the look of rage upon his face Tyion attacks Helushka.

  3. #13
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
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    Well that is the chapter so far am still working on making it better. The next seen will be a four way battle between Tyion, Matchitehew, Matchitisiw, and Ohanzee and will lead up to the closing seen when Yamka is captured and the others trying to get Enypay help after getting hit but the arrow.

    Here is the storyline for the next chapter:

    Chapter 2- Family VS Friendship

    Storyline-

    Hania unknowingly begins the first test in the Trials of Essen Chant. His friendship with Yamka, and the love of his family will push him to make the hardest decision ever faced in his young life. With the help of Enupay’s good friend Tyion will Hania save his friend Yamka from the grasp of Helushka? Will Enupay live to see his sons return?

    __________________________________________________

    If you could can you please answer some questions it would really help me make the story better and make it grow.

    I know it is not completed and has alot of errors but what do you think so far?

    Could you fall in love with animal like charachers?

    What do you think of Hania and Yamka?

    Do you have a favorite yet?

    Do you have any storyline ideas that could add some flare to this kind of story?

    Do you have any suggestions about stuff I could add in to make the chapter better?

    __________________________________________________ ____

    Here is some background on the next series Legend of the Forest Guardian that will follow the trials.

    1 year after his trials are completed Hania Dyani sets out on a quest to bring the great Canowicakte (hunters of the forest) down with the help of his best friend Yamka Elu, and Tyion loving wife Ananda Tasunke to avenge the deaths of there familys, friends, and villages lost to the hunters. Along the way Hania will discover that only through his kindness and inner strength will he create a new safe world for his friends to live in. Ayasha now aiding Tohopka sets her mind on just 1 think to killer her older brother after she is told that Hania was the one that destroyed her villege and killed her family. In the end will Ayasha finaly understand the truth or will she complete her goal? You will soon find out.

    New Character-

    Ananda Tasunke- age 22 Name meaning- Worthy of Love, Horse

    Tyion her husband is the one thing that makes Ananda's love worth living after his death she joins Hania and Yamkato bring down the great Canowicakte (the hunters of the Forest) so that no one else will have to feel her pain again.


    Thanks alot for viewing and hope you will check back to see any updates and other charpters for this series.

  4. #14
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Uhh, I dunno what to say, you know double posting can easily get you banned here? Well you just...did 14 in a ROW. This section double posting is acceptable if it has the right content, however you may have done something incredibly stupid.

    My advice before getting to the story, is put ALL that into a word processor and save it. Then winzip it and upload it to sendspace or whatever so we can download it and read. You just cut 14 posts to 1. Do that because I don't see any member here really giving your work a chance...

  5. #15
    Tetnubis's Avatar
    Tetnubis is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Hmm Ill allow it in this case. Its split into scenes so its easier to read.

    The only thing that I managed to pick up on was the fact that you spely scene as '"seen" in your sub headings.

    But take Elcura's advice and uload it into a word document.


  6. #16
    forestguardian004 is offline Member Newbie
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    Sorry for adding the story like this but was the only way I knew how to do it.

    The aside what did you think of the story so far are there any changes, suggestions you have to help make this story better?

    Anything at this point helps a great deal I have looked at it for abit now I know there are errors but I think it is good. But I need a freash set of eyes to add some feed back so maybe I can see what I did right and what I did wrong.

    Thanks again for not closing this and sorry will not happen again

 

 
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