Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    level4paperboy is offline Senior Member Well Known
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    a Shrubbery! ni! ni! ni! ni!
    Posts
    292

    Default a screenplay i've been working on...

    here's a screenplay i've been working on lately. it's just a rough draft, so if you find any typos, factual errors, and cheesieness feel free to comment.

    take note: tom and jen are depicted as children, though in any intimate scene they are automatically depicted as adults.

    Trench city: Pre-Mortem complications of innocence


    Thomas Taggart: main character. Thomas is a 32 year old coroner that’s sick and tired of life. Thomas smokes and has a bad drinking habit. He lives in a worn down apartment with his wife Joan, whom he treats badly, and spends most of his time either on a crime scene or a lab. Thomas thinks that there is more to life than what he’s experienced, but is frustrated by the fact that he can’t to anything to help himself.

    Jenny Taggart: main character. Jenny is the 29 year old wife of Thomas. Jenny works as a clerk at a local 24-hour supermarket, wherein she works irregular hours. Jenny is loyal to her husband, and denies the fact that Thomas treats her badly. She dreams of some day going back to university (studying architecture) and mothering 2 children.

    Malcolm La Croix: Thomas’ partner and closest friend. Malcolm is a quiet type, that has an odd fascination for corpses (he has necrophilia). Though disturbing at times, Thomas condones this behaviour, since Malcolm always gets off the corpse whenever Thomas tells him to.

    Randy Sampson: the Taggarts’ English neighbour. Once part of a pop group, he now works as a news stand vendor after numerous lawsuits for plagiarism, careless endangerment, public drunkenness, and indecent exposure.

    David Quing: Joan’s boss, and owner of the 24-hour supermarket. David was born in Trench city from 2 illegal aliens. Though he has a shady background, he’s probably the only considerably normal character in the screen play

    Simon Bryden: the lead CSI, who usually gives Thomas and Malcolm a hard time. A total asshole, he makes each “process” long and detailed that it takes up a lot of Thomas and Malcolm’s time.

    Howard Fergusson: the young security guard at the 24-hour supermarket. He usually works graveyard shift to earn night pay, and likes to go hunting for spare change in the parking lot.

    Karl Olfensen: the swedish-born big boss of the trench city smuggling ring.


    Episode one: the smiling cat

    -scene starts with a close up of a “good luck” cat idol, then slowly zooms out to show Jenny behind her counter-

    Jenny runs some items trough the sensor at her end of the conveyer belt. Sfx: beeping sound. Bgm: up-beat shopping music

    Jenny: that’ll be $27.80 sir

    Customer: *hands over money, Jenny reaches out to take the money, and takes care of the transaction, while the customer bags his groceries*

    Jenny: ok, here’’s your change, thank you!

    -opening credits. BGM: The Killers- Jenny was a friend of mine (intro, verse1, chorus, instrumental, chorus, end).

    -scene starts with Thomas infront of a dead male body, covered with a white sheet up to the shoulders-

    Thomas: i guess that calls it a day, hey Malcolm, you done yet?

    Malcolm: *-silhouette-having sex with a deceased woman* ugh..gimme 10 more minutes

    Thomas: geez... do you have to do it each time we get a dead blonde?

    Malcolm: not just dead blondes, i enjoy dead Asians too. *grunts*

    Thomas: *sfx: Malcolm putting on his pants and fastening his belt* yeah, yeah... you better be thankful i don’t report your little escapades with our “patients”.

    Malcolm: *puts the body back in the locker, closes the door, and walks up to Thomas* you know i have a lot of gratitude to you for condoning my little hobby. *walks up to a desk and picks his things up* and besides, it’s not like you haven’t tried it before...

    Thomas: that was only once, and if memory serves me right, you were the one who put me up to it.

    Malcolm: yeah, yeah...you enjoyed it anyway...

    Thomas: i can’t deny that...but “they’re” too dry for my taste, and i did get a rash after it.

    Malcolm: i told you to use some lube *sticks a tube if KY jelly infront of thomas’face*

    Thomas: urgh... *pushes away malcolms hand* don’t get that thing close to me... i know where it’s been...

    Malcolm: hmph... let’s go.

    -Thomas and Malcolm walk out of the lab-


    Thomas enters his apartment, he sees jenny sleeping on the futon, then starts changing his clothes. Thomas walks to the bathroom and switches on the light. The light shines on a part of the futon, jenny wakes up.

    Jenny: honey?

    Thomas: yeah, i’m here... sorry, i needed the light to take my contacts off

    Jenny: it’s ok, what took you so long?

    Thomas: Bryden was being a bitch, so we had to do a thorough autopsy.. besides that Malcolm and i went out for a few drinks after work...

    Jenny: hmph...

    Thomas: what was that?

    Jenny: you could have at least told me you were gonna drink before coming home! I was worried!

    Thomas: get a hold of yourself! You’re married to a coroner; i never get to see action, apart from Malcolm’s little escapades. And the only thing dangerous in my job is the chemicals i work with, it’s not like i’m gonna start pumping myself with formaldehyde and croak!

    Jenny: *starts crying* why do you have to be like that? I’m just concerned about you! Sometimes i feel like you don’t even love me anymore! *cries harder*

    Thomas: *walks over to jenny and holds her close and tries to calm her down* c’mon, I’m sorry....

    Jenny: *crying* no you’re not! You always say that, but you never mean it!

    Thomas: no, no...i’m really sorry, i mean it. I’m really sorry i made you feel that way, c’mon stop crying hm? *kisses jenny’s forehead*
    Jenny: *holds on to Thomas* do you even really love me?

    Thomas: i do, i love you.

    *make-up sex*

    -the following morning-

    Thomas changes into his work clothes

    Thomas: i’m heading off.

    Jenny: alright, take care! *kisses Thomas’cheek*

    Thomas leaves the apartment

    -Warehouse-

    Karl: where’s the new shipment?

    Smuggler: right here *shows karl to a big crate, and opens it up with a crowbar*

    Karl: new packaging?

    Smuggler: yeah, the suppliers figured that stuffing the coke in these good luck idols was a good idea since shipment for these kinds of items is free.

    Karl: hmph...is it still the same volume?

    Smuggler: should be...*cracks open an idol* these are just more compact... to fit into these cats...

    Karl: good... tell the suppliers that the next time they decide to change things, tell me first. Boys! *some gangsters come over and pack the goods into a truck, then drive off. Karl walks away* oh and give them this *karl shoots the smuggler down*

    A few hours later, the cops come, and the csi process the place

    Simon: Olfensen does it again...

    Thomas: that guy’s gotta find a better way of killing off his middle men... i’m getting bored of digging bullets out of dead bodies...

    Simon: hmph...another easy night for you... what i wanna know is why he always kills the middle men... it’s not like they’re gonna go on and rat him out or anyting...
    Thomas: you never know... olfensen’s not exactly the most trusting guy out there... and he probably gets kicks out of doing it...

    Simon: heh... most probably... anyway, this is gonna take a long time, you and Malcolm might wanna grab a bite to eat...

    Thomas: it’s the same as all the others Bryden, one dead middle man found in a drug heist; a retard could figure that out! Why do you always take a long time?

    Simon: i like to be thorough. And besides, we might find clues to Karl’s whereabouts.

    Thomas: hmph, suit yourself.

    Thomas walks out of the crime scene, and gets on a car, Malcolm in on the driver’s seat.

    Malcolm: what now?

    Thomas: he’s being a bitch again.

    Malcol: to the diner it is...

    -while driving to the diner-

    Thomas lights a cigarette, puffs, then hangs his hand out the window

    Malcolm: mind if i bum one?

    Thomas hands the pack to Malcolm, Malcolm takes one, and smokes it

    Malcolm: so... how are things with you and the wife? I take it she didn’t like the idea onf you getting home late?

    Thomas: shut up, who the fuck are you trying to be now? Doctor-fucking-Phil?

    Malcolm: geez man... i was just trying to make conversation...

    Thomas: hmph...we fought, she cried we had a make-up fuck... end of story

    Malcolm: heh... thats better... man, you should really teat Jen better...

    Thomas: what are you trying to say? I don’t treat my wife right? You’re the one who ended up divorced.

    Malcolm: exactly, i didn’t treat Joan right, so she left me
    Thomas: and the fact that she found out about your little office affairs?

    Malcolm: yeah, that too...

    Thomas: pffft... heh, me being given marriage advice by a divorced necro... what a joke

    Malcolm: heh...say what you want...

    *Malcolm parks infront of a diner, both get out of the car and enter the diner*

    Rosie: hey boys! You want your usual?

    Thomas: hey Rosie, yeah we’ll have the usual

    Malcolm: I’ll have a slice of pie besides my usual.

    Rosie: ok

    Both walk up to a booth, and sit down. Rosie comes along with 2 cups of coffee. Thomas takes a sip.

    Thomas lights a cig, and smokes it.

    Thomas: though i do admit that I’ve been cold to her these past few months...

    Malcolm: hmm? Oh! Finally decide to talk?

    Thomas: nah... I’m just saying that it’s prolly my fault things are going downhill...*exhales smoke*

    -scene switches over: Jenny at work-

    Jenny: *opens up a box, and takes a cat idol out of it (same as the one Karl smuggled). Replaces the old one with the drug filled one* it’s gonna be New Year’s eve tomorrow. It’s a good thing Mr. Quing was able to get a new one.

    Randy: hello jenny!

    Jenny: oh, hi Randy, how can i help you today?

    Randy: i’ve got these *places items on the counter*, and 2 packs of Super Kings.

    Jenny: ok, *runs items thru the sensor*, smooth or regular?

    Randy: Smooth

    Jenny: ok *runs the packs thru the sensor* that’ll be $35.60 Randy. *randy hands over the money, jenny completes the sale and gives randy his change*

    Randy: Y’know, the walls between out appartments isn’t exactly the thickest.

    Jenny: what do you mean?

    Randy: i mean i accidentally overheard you and Thomas fighting last night.

    Jenny: were we that loud? Oh god, i’m really sorry if we woke you up.

    Randy: no, no, it’s ok... but you know... if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can always pop by my newsstand, it’s not like i get very much customers anyway.

    Jenny: thanks randy, but tom and i already made up, thanks for being concerned though.

    Randy: ok, you have a nice day now, Ta.

    Jenny: you too. *randy leaves the store*. Sigh....*cue in loud crashing sound. Jenny rushes over to where the sound came from* oh my god! Mr. Quing! Are you ok?

    David: i’m fine jen, i was just trying to put this ladder back on top of that shelf, when i lost my balance and fell.

    Jenny: oh thank god you’re all right. For a second there i thought something bad happened.

    Howard: *rushes in with his 12 gauge* who’s there!

    David: it’s ok howard, i just fell and toppled over some stuff *picking up stuff from the floor*

    Howard: oh...ok... *howard turns around, the stock of his gun hits the cat idol, and topples it over, breaking it, and revealing the cocaine* shit! I’m sorry Mr. Quing... wait a sec...*kneels down* whats this? *david and jenny walk towards where howard is knelt

    Jenny: i was wondering why that box was so heavy... i just thought that the suppliers had put weights on it to keep it from falling over.

    Howard: jen, your husband’s a cop right?

    Jenny: well...he’s a coroner... but i guess i can call him to bring cops here...
    David: good, do that... for the mean time, i want everyone to keep clear from this area... were gonna have to close the store too...oh god... there goes today’s revenue...

    *jen walks away from the two and calls Thomas.*

    Jen: honey?

    Thomas: hi baby.

    Malcolm: oohhh.... *Thomas gives Malcolm signals to shut up*

    Jen: where are you?

    Thomas: * gets up and walks towards the restrooms* i’m with Malcolm at the diner, need anything?

    Jen: i need you to come over here quickly...and you might want to bring some cops along with you...we just found a whole lot of coke...

    Thomas: what? How’d the hell did that happen? *enters the restrooms*

    Jen: look, it’s a long story... i just need you here as soon as possible....honey....

    Thomas: alright, alright, don’t worry i’ll be there... in the mean time just try and stay calm, ok?

    Jen: yeah...

    Thomas: ok...ok... i’ll see you in a bit.

    Jen: love you

    Thomas: love you too...bye

    Jen: bye...

    Thomas: *puts down his cell, then washes his hands and face* fuck *walks out of the restrooms while wiping his face and walks towards Malcolm* let’s go. Rose, just stick it in a doggy bag, we’ll just come back for it later.

    Rosie: ok

    Malcolm: what happened? Don’t tell me you two fought again?

    Thomas: no... jen says she found some evidence...we’ve gotta call the others..
    Malcolm: right...

    -cut- scene switches to the supermarket

    Simon: so you didn’t touch this at all did you?

    Jen: no.

    Simon: good...Taggart!

    Thomas: what? *walks over to simon* I don’t see the need for me here...

    Simon: your wife got us some good hard evidence...but it’s useless unless we find some way of making it stick...

    Thomas: well that’s your job now isn’t it?

    Simon: cute... i need you to do a full autopsy on that body we found earlier....once you’ve done that you can leave.

    Thomas: hmph... right....jen, i’ll see you later *kisses Jennifer*

    Jen: kay... Dave gave me the rest of the night off so i’ll go home now.

    Thomas: ok...


    personally i think it needs work...my friends keep on telling me that it's ok...but i keep on getting this feeling that it lacks something...to make things worse i'm stuck, i have nothing to write about right now...
    Last edited by level4paperboy; 12-31-2006 at 09:46 AM. Reason: additional content, typo

  2. #2
    level4paperboy is offline Senior Member Well Known
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    a Shrubbery! ni! ni! ni! ni!
    Posts
    292

    Default

    wtf? 17 friggin views and not one comment?!?!?

  3. #3
    psatchi is offline Member Frequent Poster
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Country: England
    Posts
    83

    Default

    its good i can relli see this going on tv as a drama, you must have a great imagination to come up with this
    Pikies=Chavs=Scumbags
    Signing Out...

  4. #4
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    1,404

    Default

    You're right, it certainly IS missing something, I think it's just the way the characters respond to certain situations. Try getting some friends and ask them what they would say in that situation and so on, I think it'll help maybe.

    Also do you watch a lot of other dramas? See how the characters react to eachother in those (taking into account what their personalities are) and take something from those.

    I think it has potential, just becareful it doesn't become a CSI clone.

  5. #5
    level4paperboy is offline Senior Member Well Known
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    a Shrubbery! ni! ni! ni! ni!
    Posts
    292

    Default

    i watch lots of stuff. at first i was planning on making a CSI like first episode, but then i realized how commercial CSI became, and how much their producers sold out. so i cancelled that. as for the personalities of my characters...i'm having a really hard time expressing it, and i'm having a hard time thinking of different personalities for my characters....i'm still kinda new to this; i only got into it since i needed a change of scene from my other hobby, and my best friend suggested i start writing. thanks for both of your comments

  6. #6
    Otamie is offline Junior Member Newbie
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    8

    Default

    its a realy good story if you ask me. but i wonder, what is ''it'' sepose to be? is it a screen play for an anime or real time TV show? or even a manga? a manga version would be realy cool.

 

 

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
vBulletin Skin by: ForumThemes.com
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.0
Copyright © 2014 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162