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  1. #1
    csuti's Avatar
    csuti is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Default One messed up kid

    I feel like I'm flying away,
    Out of this world, out of the way.

    I sense that my end is coming closer and closer,
    Lying on my death bed, waiting 'till its over.

    I see myself in a graveyard, in a hole,
    Where everyone else is already dead and cold.

    I hear the opening sound of the heavenly gates
    But my mind knows that there are still many other ways;

    I hear the boiling-world under me,
    And my body twitches as if that were my destiny.

    I feel myself being swallowed up by the earth
    And being pushed down to hell, by the curse;

    For as long as I've lived on earth
    My life was horrible, so there must have been a curse.

    Surrounded with darkish red walls,
    I'm walking down hell's great halls.

    I feel the curse lifting, going away from me;
    Now I'm sure that I'm in the right place you see.

    This is my home, I realize now,
    But to be happy, I don’t know how.





    discuss.
    critique, correct, comment. w/e. have fun.
    Last edited by csuti; 12-29-2006 at 09:35 AM.

  2. #2
    Dante Obscuri is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Default

    Did you write that, csuti? If you did, that was really good. That'd show that you're quite a talented person.


  3. #3
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    I like it, except this verse

    "I hear the sounds of the opening of the heavenly gates
    But my mind knows that there are still many other ways;"

    "Of the opening of the" sounds off to me, I dunno how you'd change it, but it doesn't seem right to me. The rest is great though.

  4. #4
    SAND_MAN is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    That was great,

    "Surrounded with darkish red walls,
    I'm walking down hell's great walls."

    Maybe change it to "halls" you shouldent use two of the same words and halls makes a little more sense.

    But a great one no the less.


    "Let my ears hear not but the most sinful of lyrics"

  5. #5
    Schiljo is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elcura View Post
    I like it, except this verse

    "I hear the sounds of the opening of the heavenly gates
    But my mind knows that there are still many other ways;"

    "Of the opening of the" sounds off to me, I dunno how you'd change it, but it doesn't seem right to me. The rest is great though.

    "i hear the opening sound of the heavenly gates"


    and yeah dune koon halls would fit nicely

  6. #6
    csuti's Avatar
    csuti is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elcura View Post
    "Of the opening of the" sounds off to me, I dunno how you'd change it, but it doesn't seem right to me. The rest is great though.
    Quote Originally Posted by Schiljo View Post
    "i hear the opening sound of the heavenly gates"
    Okay, thanks. I'll go fix that right away. ^-^

    Quote Originally Posted by SAND_MAN View Post
    "Surrounded with darkish red walls,
    I'm walking down hell's great walls."
    hahaha ..... I'm pretty sure I actually wanted to say "halls" xD

  7. #7
    StealDragon's Avatar
    StealDragon is offline Super Moderator Community Builder
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    a great poem of self-acceptance, strikes a chord with me since i always thought i was weird for not giving a fuck about most things but now i realize thats just who i am... zomg csuti you made me reflect!!! curses!!!


    I'd like to die with the songs I love stuck in my head. I hope to make the most of these hollow bones we become.
    I raise a toast to the the souls that sang all along. I've been gathering friends to just to make some sounds,
    before the ship goes down, I've been making amends by making the rounds before the whole world ends


    [Chit Chat Specific Forum Rules] // Last Update - Friday March 13, 2009

  8. #8
    flash is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Turning despair into faith?

    Awesome poem, csuti.

  9. #9
    ISSALRIP is offline Banned Newbie
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    Default

    I sugest Prozac.

  10. #10
    csuti's Avatar
    csuti is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    already banned eh? good going.


    Steal, haha. Everyone's who they are =P how's that. ^__^ different is nice.
    Flash, thanks. ^^ Wasn't really turning anything inot faith, but okay =P

 

 
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