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  1. #1
    deuce22 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Nov 2006

    Default I need a second opinion...

    Well...i was going to post my story of as now, like what is going to happen, but then i decided against it. I'm hoping someone is willing to take sometime and read what i've written up until now and give me their opinion. Please PM me with your email address and i'll send you what i have dont ASAP. Thanks again!

    oh..and as of the characters, i a few of them drawn up, i'll scan them in and post it up later!

    - deuce

  2. #2
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Jan 2006


    what's the point of this topic if you aren't gonna show us anything? put up or don't post.

    fact is if you posted your story you WOULD get a whole range of different opinions, why do we have to go way out of our way to help you when you could easily get the same help at half the effort.

    please god, this forum is here to help, we can't help if you don't give us something.

  3. #3
    deuce22 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Nov 2006


    sheez....could of said it nicer.

    Main Character Details

    Protagonist: Nerus
    Age: 19

    Nerus is the youngest of his family. Trauma has plagued his childhood, yet to every other person he seems like a normal kid. Hidden within him lies great potential, but also the rage bottled inside from his childhood, and many other experiences as he has grown. He feels detached from his family. Friends are extremely important to him, but he tends to forget them and does not want them to get involved with his personal issues. Nerus though, does have a good sense of responsibility, is very intelligent, and creative. He has a habit of always looking at his life from a 3rd view, always questioning himself and trying see things from another perspective. Another habit he has is that he tends to think too much. The reason being is because as a child, the trauma influenced his growth, but while growing he was always told that other people have it worse. Confused, Nerus kept things like that to himself. Being the youngest of the family, he grew up having strong attachments with his family. As time progressed, his attachments were shaken and stirred, due to ceratin events in his past.

    Currently he is a student of Magic Academy, possibly a great student with a great deal of skill, but he hates to practice and take time developing his skill. His family is broken, from his view at least. He lost a lot of respect for his dad, because of an event in the past, but now is currently ill. His mom he loves, but at the same time is very confused about her with statements she has made. His brothers Agrith and Vince aren’t really attached to each anyone anymore, since communication between them is extremely poor. His sister, Lina he loves very much, but she has left the family to start her own. He still tries to speak to her when he can, but she is extremely busy with her new family and especially her new born daughter.


    Nerus and all of his companions have their stories unraveled in a world of developing magic. Magical power is determined by one’s “ki” amount and skill of using it. Mainly the story is focused in Magic Academy, a school full of students who are developing magic, since Nerus and most of his companions are still students.

    Ki: Energy that is used by Nerus and the other students at Magic Academy. There are two main sources that it comes from. One being the spiritual energy of the person, the other is from earth, space, and everything else. Using ki is not simple, since it requires a great deal of control. Only a margin of people are actually able to use ki, and those who can are considered gifted and are forced to go to Magic Academy, or any other school that develops magic skill.

    The amount of ki someone has is determined by the person. Some have more ki than others, while others have better control than others. Ki within a person is release by controlling their emotions, their thoughts, and unleashing gates or “limiters” in their body. There a total of 3 limiters. The third one is unknown, so technically only 2 are known of. One is in the brain (the mind), which allows elemental usage of ki and other forms ki can used in. The other is the body, which allows ki to be used throughout the body. Through this, ki can be put to specific parts of the body to improve that part’s ability. For example, if ki was concentrated to the arm, arm strength is heightened. The 3rd one, the "unknown" limiter is placed in the heart (emotions), unleashing this limiter allows the most power, but also the most dangerous. Through emotion it is unlocked and not just simple moments of anger or love. True feelings that reach and impair one’s heart is needed.

    Being able to tap into the power of earth’s energy is extremely rare and very few have been able to do it. To the few who have been able to do this, they know it allows almost an infinite amount of ki. To obtain this, peace of mind is completely required, allowing the person to synchronize with the earth, and in fact the flow of life itself. Little is known about this way of gathering ki, since there have been so few users…

    Note: The people who have been able to do this in the past, are the great religious leaders, like Jesus, Buddha, etc. That is why they had such great influence on so many people.

    There are 5 elements that ki can manipulate: Fire, water, wood, earth, and metal.

    water wood
    earth metal

    Fire is weak to water, since water can put fire out. Wood provides fuel for Fire.
    Fire has an advantage over metal, since metal has a low heat capacity. Just a few joules is required to heat up metal, but metal melts at a high temperature. Earth has a slight advantage over fire, due to the earth’s composition.

    Water is very effective to fire, but is really weak against earth. Earth absorbs the water with ease. Wood too has a slight advantage over water, since wood uses water. Metal is at a slight disadvantage towards water, since metal and water causes the metal to rust.

    Earth is strong against water, but weak towards metal. Metal is stronger and has more density, so it is able to crush earth. It has a slight advantage over fire, and a slight disadvantage against wood.

    Metal is stronger than earth and wood, but is at a disadvantage at both water and fire.

    Wood is strong against water and earth, but weak against fire and metal.

    In summary:

    Strengths: Fire > wood and metal
    Water > fire and metal
    Earth > water and fire
    Metal > earth and wood
    Wood > water and earth

    Weaknesses: Fire <water and earth
    Water < earth and wood
    Earth < metal and wood
    Metal < fire and water
    Wood < fire and metal

    And Here is the Story itself so far:

    Story: Nerus being the main character, he attends school on a regular basis with his set of good friends. His life is never normal, there is always something that happens that involves him losing something dear to him. Nerus does not always take things well, even though he thinks of himself as some what strong. With school being a constant stress, especially with his parents always forcing their will upon him to continue his school, it only adds to his stress. His parents doubt his ability, his dedication to school, which they are correct, due to his lack of motivation. The cause to no motivation is because the trust he had with his family has been lost. Mainly confused with his life, he attends school and hangs out with his friends, since he does not know anything else.

    At the beginning of this story, Raine is leaving. She and Nerus have one last time together, though they are just friends. Nerus, who has a hard time trusting people, feels extremely attached to her. The one person in his life he feels like he is able to share things freely with and not worry. Raine is leaving because of her family, since they are always on the constant move. Heart torn, Nerus sees her off, giving her a gift (a teddy bear) that he infuses a bit of magic into (the magic causes the bear to always be warm). As she leaves, he waits until she is out of sight, and begins to walk home. Flooded with thoughts, he enters his room and starts to think of how his life is so screwed up.

    < Enter flash back >

    Nerus is seen as a child, he sees his parents constantly arguing. He especially remembers the time he is woken up at the middle of the night because of his parents arguing. He goes and runs out and sits next to his mom, he also notices that his older brother is there trying to do what he can, but both are too young to say anything that will cease the argument. Nerus couldn’t bear the argument anymore after a while and stands up yelling at both his parents to stop in a furious cry. Tears running down his face, his mom comes and grabs him and tells him that things will be ok, and he doesn’t need to cry. Shortly after, Nerus’s parents stop arguing. That night Nerus has never forgotten.

    < Back to present time >

    Nerus is still in his bedroom, just lying there, he thinks of Raine. He knows that things won’t be the same without Raine. He feels detached from the world, he bottles himself up mentally. (His cell phone rings) He looks and sees it’s one of his friends, Jin calling. Nerus picks up and talks to Jin. Jin wants Nerus to meet up with him at where they usually met up with the rest of their crew. Nerus agrees since he needs to get his mind off Raine. When they met up, Jin just wanted to know how Nerus was doing, since he knows that Raine took off today and they were so close. Nerus explains that he doesn’t want to talk about it, and rather go out and just try to enjoy what he can. They decide to go downtown to have fun. Things go well, they enjoy their time, and Nerus has slightly gotten better. It being late, they both decide to call it a night. As they walk back to their car, they get ambushed by a four thugs. Surrounded, one of the thugs from behind tries to attack Nerus. The fight ends as quickly as it started, but just out of concern they check up on each other. Both being fine, they take off home.

    < Back at home >

    Nerus gets home, and goes to take a shower. In the shower, he thinks of how the day went. He mainly focuses on when Raine left, and the last few words they exchanged with each other. After the shower he heads to his room, and gets ready for bed.

    < Walking to school the next day >

    Nerus always meets up with Selene and K (friends of Nerus) before heading to class, where they all sit next to each other (includes Jin and used to include Raine too). They all have the same home room, and they all sit next to each other. Things usually go well, they sit and joke around. Soon, Nerus remembers that Raine is gone, and goes silent. Everyone else becomes silent and tries to find the correct words to say. Jin speaks up and says something to rid the eerie silence. Soon the teacher steps in the class. Today she reviews how “ki” is made and how to release and control it. All of it is review to the class.

    < After school >

    The group of friends all decide that they are going to go out, but Nerus doesn’t feel in the mood to, so he makes a lie that he has something to do. He fakes a smile and leaves home. The rest of the friends are uneasy, but they don’t want to interfere with him. Nerus returns home, and goes into his room. He grabs his art book and decides to write and draw, a little habit of his to get his mind off things. (knock on his door) Nerus’s mom is wondering if he is busy, and he replies that he sort of is. Rose (Nerus’s mom) politely asks if he can run an errand for her. Nerus being agitated, replies rudely, saying “I’m not your only son in this house, why is it always me?” Rose just replies, “We both know we can’t really ask your oldest brother Agrith, and then Vince isn’t home either. Besides, they both work and all you do is go to school.” Nerus opens the door and says, “SCHOOL IS MY WORK, you and dad are always telling me school is the most important thing for me!” Nerus is frustrated, but tries to ask him mom in the best manner what she needs him to grab. She tells him that it’s ok and that she will go get it herself. Nerus then again asks her more harshly, and she finally tells him that she only needed a few items. Nerus puts on his shoes and leaves towards the store (the store is within walking distance). As he goes, he tries to calm down. He realizes the day has so far gone horrid for him, so he needs to do something to change that. He gets to the store and grabs the things he needed to grab. As he leaves, Angel ( a friend from school) stops Nerus to just talk. They have a little conversation, and Nerus says he has to get back soon, since he was on this errand. Angel, being bored asks if she can tag along for a bit since she has nothing to do. So they walk back home, and have a little conversation. Finally Nerus gets home and Angel says, “Well…..thanks for killing some time…I guess I should go home…” Nerus tells her to wait for just a second, since he will just drop of the groceries, and they can go do whatever.

    < At the mall >

    Nerus and Angel are just wondering around the mall, not really shopping. More than anything, just enjoying each others company. Some time has passed, so they decide to take a break and have a meal. They take a seat, and order some pizza. Nerus asks what she was doing by the grocery store, and she tells him that she was just bored and felt like going out for a walk. Angel goes, “what about you, what was bothering you at the store? I could tell something was wrong.” Nerus tells her that everything today has just gone wrong. Being curious, Angels asks what exactly has gone wrong. Nerus tells her that school was rough, and then he got into a little dispute with his mom. Angel says, “Yeah, arguments with parents are bound to happen, it’s ok, but what went wrong at school? You get into a fight with Jin or with K?” Nerus says, “No, it wasn’t that, it was… nothing.” Angel goes, “It’s got to do with Raine leaving huh?” Nerus: “huh, how did you know?” Angel: “Truth is, I wasn’t the greatest friend with Raine, but I knew her and I knew about her leaving. She wasn’t the most talkative person, but she wasn’t a mute either.” Nerus: “Yeah….” Angel: “Its ok Nerus, I’m sure she’ll send u an email or something soon. She’s that type of person; she doesn’t forget people who are important to her. Well…at least that’s what type of person I think she is.” Nerus: “yeah…I think you’re right. Well, I mean I know your right, but still…I wish things were different….” (worker) “Excuse me, but here’s your pizza.” Nerus: “Let’s eat up.”

    < Leaving Mall >

    It was getting late, and the two decide to go home. As they leave the mall, they exchange a few last words. Nerus: “Hey…I just wanted to thank you for helping me get my mind off things and stuff, so thanks Angel.” Angel: (smiles) “hehe…no problem Nerus! Umm, well I should thank you too for spending time with me, otherwise I probably would have died from boredom!” They split ways, and Nerus takes a glimpse of the moon. He remembers a conversation he had with Raine.

    < Enter Flash back >

    Nerus and Raine are on a hill late at night. Nerus: “So why did u call me out again?” Raine, “No real reason…” Nerus: “seriously? I should be sleeping -_-!” The conversation goes quite, and neither of them are speaking. They both can’t find the correct words to say to each other. Even so, they both are glad they are there sharing this moment with each other. Raine: “Say, what if one day I left or you left to go live somewhere else?” Nerus: “….what are you talking about? Are you planning on leaving or something?” Raine: “No…I was just saying that’s all.” Nerus: “If that were the case, I guess….I guess….” (Glances at the full moon) “Where ever we are, how far apart we are, we both still see the same moon. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if I wanted to see you, all I have to do is look up at the night sky and see the moon, since you somewhere, you look at the same moon.” Raine: “hmm….I’ve always liked that little poetic side of you. (smiles)”

    < Present time >

    Nerus: “That was a little over a year ago….”

    < The next day >

    Jin, Selene, and K are all there waiting for Nerus. Nerus is surprised to see Jin there since he usually doesn’t walk with them to school since he lives sort of in the other side of school. Nerus: “What’s going on -_-?” Jin and K are seen smirking. Selene obviously is the first one to ask. Selene: “We ALL saw you with Angel yesterday. Do please explain! (smiling)” Nerus: “ah crap, I completely forgot you guys were all with each other yesterday…” “Well anyways…we were doing nothing.” Selene: “LIES” (smacks Nerus) “Besides, I THOUGHT you had errands to run.” Nerus: “Well…I did…but that was after I did them… “>.>) Jin: “You still never told us what you guys were doing…” Nerus: “Not you too K…” K: “WHAT?! I NEVER SAID A WORD?!” Nerus: “Fine, fine, I was doing an errand for my mom, and then I ran into Angel as I was about to go home and she was bored and I had to get my mind off things since I got into an argument with my mom beforehand. So we ended up going to the mall. There. = p “That’s that…and where were you guys?! I don’t recall seeing you there at all!” Selene: “We were right there” (image). Nerus initiates going to school, trying to avoid anymore remarks or statements.

    < In the classroom >

    Miss Rei comes enters the classroom. “Quiz everyone; please be at the field in 5 minutes.”

    < Field at the back of the school >

    Miss Rei: “Today, the first part will be easy. It will test control of your ki. Summon the ki to your feet and walk through the sand pit without leaving footprints. You get 3 attempts.” The four pass with ease, as most of the class does.
    Miss Rei: “Next is elemental manipulation. As we know, some will be able to manipulate one or a few types of elements while you won’t be able to control other types.” Presented to the class are all 5 elements, fire, water, earth, metal, and wood. There duty is to manipulate them to their best ability. Jin was to go first out of their group of friends. Jin is able to control earth, seemingly able to mold it into what he wants. K went next of the 4, and to no one’s surprise he manipulates water. Water in summary is kind of K’s personality. Cool and calm, yet sometimes as surprising as rapids. Selene considered to be the best ki controller of those 4 has the ability to control fire, and has a hint of an ability to control metal as well. The group is surprised since it is rare that a person of their level is able to use 2 elements. Jin surprising starts laughing, and says, “Great job Selene! I really mean it, but I’m not surprised, since your head is hard as metal!” The other two try to hold the laughter in, but as soon as the start laughing, they all receive a punch in the mouth by Selene. Nerus, the last of their group to go test his ability, has his turn. His fails with all of the elements except wood. That is his element. “wood…ahahha, I can control wood too” remarks Jin. K: “huh? I thought u were earth…” Nerus: “…” Selene: (grossed out smacks Jin in the back of the head) “pervert.”

    < A week passes by, nothing unusual happens >

    Nerus is in his room, feeling better overall since nothing has happened to him within the last week or so. He decides to check his email, and he finds nothing there. Just a bunch of chain letters that he could care less about. Still he thinks of Raine, and he misses her dearly. Thinking to himself a simple letter would make things better; at least he would know that she is a live and doing well. “Where are you Raine? You never even told me where you were going.” (Nerus looks outside his window to try and take a peak of the moon) That night, it was cloudy out. It seemed like it was on the verge of raining, almost an unusual rain, especially now, since it is late fall.
    Last edited by deuce22; 11-14-2006 at 03:06 PM.

  4. #4
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Jan 2006


    yes, I could've said it nicer, and I apologize. But really, I haven't read it yet, but it looks like a thorough and detailed story that I can't wait to read once I have time.

    Why would you with-hold that? It just really annoys me that people who want help, advice or opinions want the people giving it to go through hoops and shit, I hope you understand, again, sorry if you took offense to what I said and thank you for posting your ideas. I'll get around to reading it asap.

    Edit, reading mainly the main character description and setting I think it's a great start, nothing wrong with the main character or family, but the setting needs more work I think. I think Ki and magical energy shouldn't be related, it would be better to give it a more original name. The forcing people with "ki" to magic school seems a little Harry Potter-ish, and the limiter/gates struck me as Naruto-ish, although I like the concept of it, I think it just needs a different name. possibly changing the "heart limiter" to be more dangerous and consequental (like if you use it a certain amount of happiness/love/etc is lost forever) or something to make it more interesting then "I got real angry then I used a super fuck-you move"

    Also relating the elemental usage to people in the past seems like a bad idea, if you wanna use it as a referance that's fine, but I think it's better to create a whole new fantasy world or stick to the real world instead of seemingly going half and half. On that note the elements seems a little confusing and unnessecary, it kinda relates to the thing I said before about relating it to much to real physics, I don't think there's a need to focus that deeply on it (besides, some metals have a high ass melting point).

    basically what I'm saying is either make the elemental strength and weaknesses simplier or remove them (magic is just magic, the way you use the element would be it's strength). alternatively you could explain the strength/weakness in a simplier way.

    I'm not gonna comment on the story, but it looks promising so far (I'll let someone else comment on that). So good job so far.
    Last edited by Elcura; 11-14-2006 at 04:29 PM.

  5. #5
    deuce22 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Nov 2006


    Ok, to clarify the "magic" and "ki" thing...i meant magic to be the same thing as ki. So yeah...sorry about that.

    i have never read a harry potter book and i was forced to watch i dont now jack about harry potter, but the reason why they are forced to go there is because only a margin of people have the ability to use ki, even tho everyone has it. Which then relates to the limiters. Limiters is nature's way to:
    A.) limit human potential. (How it relates today is like how we are only using about 10% of our brain, and people who we consider genuises use more of their brain.) So the limiters allows ki to flow for them.
    B.) Protect the human body. If the ki were to flow continously, the body would be destroyed.

    which the relates to the heart limiter...

    The heart/emotion limiter is dangerous. To remove the heart limiter isnt as simple as getting angry. I kind of said that, just worded kinda bad, sorry. True feelings that reach and impair one’s heart is needed...meaning, not just anger, but despair in the worst possible manner. Losing everything in essence. Meaning family, friends, loved ones, etc. A feeling that pierces the heart. So really what i'm saying is, when you are able to release the heart limiter, you have no desire to live. Truely no desire to live, with no seconds thoughts, no doubts, absolutely nothing. So either you practically commit suicide, or the ki that rushes through your body kills you.

    with the ppl in the past, when i said earth, i meant the planet earth, not the element. Sorry again, i should of clarified that. Earth as a planet, the life on earth, and everything else. That's why peace of mind is needed. Cuz i mean until buddha was "enlightened" he was just a regular person trying to find peace of mind. Thus he reached nirvana (which by definition means "to want nothing", but to my further 'enhancment' of the definition, you become one and syncronize with life entirely.) Jesus was the same in essence, that is why he was so revered. Cuz when you are one with life, you know absolute truth. As it holds true to all of the other founders of religion. Besides being gifted with the ability to use ki, they were able to fully reach a person's potential. Connecting with life, since everything living has ki. So that's why these religions exist today. The founders (buddha, jesus, etc) spread their ways of how they reached that point, which is pratically a set of guidelines and footsteps for others to follow. I can elaborate more if you need me too...

    and the last thing you said, about elemental strengths and weaknesses. What i kind of want is the characters have a sort of elemental affiliation to them. So it limits what they can do, and later it gives them challenges. But the reason why i kinda started to go in detail of why there are weaknesses like fire and metal, is because when metal heats up, it loses it durability. Not just by melting it. So yeah...stuff like that. But i do see what you mean, by since it is a world i created i can do as i please. Add and remove what i want, but i guess i want a sense of reality? I dunno...

    so yeah, THANKS A BUNCH Elcura! I would rep you a hundred times, but it seems like stoptazmo doesn't do rep. Hopefully that clarified somethings, and now you can point out other things that i need to improve and all.

    and the pictures...lemme finish K right quick and i'll scan them in.

  6. #6
    deuce22 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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  7. #7
    deuce22 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    arent perfect images, i know...but there are places i didnt care to do as hands...ahaha...but what do u think?

  8. #8
    VLegion is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    Oct 2006

    Default interesting

    Hmm... I agree with Elcura on the whole ki issue. I understand what your trying to do but it just doesn't match your story. I think that the whole concept of "ki" would work out much better if you changed the word to something a bit more western/american.

    I have a bit of a problem with your characters names. I think it's a little strange that your trying to mix uncommon names, common names, and japanese names all into one story. I think your should just use 1-2 of the different types instead of 3.

    Overall, your story is very interesting but i think that it just needs a few tweaks here and there.

    side note: i really like your sketches!

  9. #9
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    I see, clarified it does seem better, but truly what I meant is having Ki be the energy needed to use magic seems out of place, what I meant by change it was simply the name (make it more appropiate?)

    Kinda like how "mana" relates to magic energy, the name is so much more fitting, you could be creative, even use a different language (like magic in latin or greek would make it sound much more interesting).

    anyway, for the rest of what you said in relation to what I said, I think it's fine, just points to take on board and use what you will and change what you will, after all it is your story.

    as for your sketches (since I get the feeling you don't wanna be crit'd on the art itself) I think they're good concepts, I like K and Raine's design, you did great there, Selene I can't see much asides from her boobs, maybe change the pose so we can see her clothes and hair better (I think the hair on selene needs work) and jin and nerus look a bit boring clothes wise (the hair is fine). just add a bit more detail to their existing clothes (a sign, insignia etc).

    another way to get around that is to have the characters change clothes often and so on. so far liking what you've done, I assume this is for a manga right?

  10. #10
    deuce22 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    thanks guys, but i've been thinking and maybe i should just remove the whole "ki" and whatnot completely out. I understand what u guys mean by changing the name of it...cuz then it gives it me more freedom and so it can fit my story better...i'll decide soon enough. Cuz i mean story wise i know where i generally want to head...but i know if i keep the whole magical aspect in, i have to take one route, and if i remove it i can take another i dunno...what do u guys think? remove it completely? (which i dont mind at all)

    and for the sketches, yeah i was planning on making them change clothes often. oh..and Selene's tanktop, it says "Fight" on it...ahaha. I didnt know what to put in it....and yeah i agree with the hair. When i was doing the hair, i was like "eh...whatever, i can always make her tie her hair up, or anything else when i want too"

    ...oh feel free to critque on the artwork itself. I know the shading is bad (actually its one my specialties...ahaha, doesnt seem like it huh??) but when i did it, it was insta-shade...haha, but yeah, feel free to critque 'em.

    and as for the names...umm...i see what u mean, but truthfully the only person i really think i'm going to change the name of is K. As u can see, i couldnt think of a name...and so i decided to just give him a letter. ahahah. Pitch in some names if u guys dont mind.

    thanks again!


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