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  1. #1
    xMidnightEnvyx is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    Default Writing Help, Please?

    Hey guys, I was just wondering if you could be so kind to help me proofread a letter I wrote. It is for English and we were supposed to write a letter as a policeman from the story, 'On the Sidewalk, Bleeding' to the parents of the victim. So it would be really helpful if you guys could look it over for me. Constructive critisms are highly welcomed!

    56th Street
    New York City, USA
    V26 8P1

    Nov. 4, 2006

    Dear Mr. and Mrs. Masterson:

    It is to my greatest displeasure and grief to inform to you that your son had sadly passed away last night. He was lying on the sidewalk when he was discovered by his girlfriend.

    It appeared to be the aftermath of a serious gang fight and was very likely that your son had been targeted by the rival gang. He had bled to death from a serious flesh wound that was caused by a knife, stabbed just below his rib cage. It was very unfortunate that he had not past away peacefully but probably suffered quite a long while.

    I hope that you were conscious by the fact that your son was part of the gang, Royals. And by being part of this group, he should have been well aware that he had chosen the rest of his life and that he should have known that there would be a great possibility of him dying from it.

    It is great misfortune that your son had befriended with the wrong people and had died because of it. But, I truly hope that you would not blame yourselves for his death, for he had made this grave decision himself. It really is disheartening to see such fine young men fallen into the hands of gang fights and therefore my heart goes to you.

    Sincerely,




    Mr. Henry Latten

    59th Street
    New York City, USA
    V32 6P7


    Note: I just want to say that I'm in Grade 9 and English had not been my first language. So if there are many grammar mistakes, please bare with me!

    Edit: We were suppose to write about the son's death and the policeman's point of view towards youth gang in general. So please tell me if there's anything I should add on.

    Thank you so much for your precious time!
    Last edited by xMidnightEnvyx; 11-05-2006 at 05:29 AM.

    Made by the amazingly talented, Hatter-chan from VK <3

  2. #2
    Elcura is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Jan 2006
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    1,404

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by xMidnightEnvyx View Post
    Hey guys, I was just wondering if you could be so kind to help me proofread a letter I wrote. It is for English and we were supposed to write a letter as a policeman from the story, 'On the Sidewalk, Bleeding' to the parents of the victim. So it would be really helpful if you guys could look it over for me. Constructive critisms are highly welcomed!

    56th Street
    New York City, USA
    V26 8P1

    Nov. 4, 2006

    Dear Mr. and Mrs. Masterson:

    It is to my greatest displeasure and grief to inform to you that your son had sadly passed away last night. He was lying on the sidewalk when he was discovered by his girlfriend.

    It appeared to be the aftermath of a serious gang fight and was very likely that your son had been targeted by the rival gang. He had bled to death from a serious flesh wound that was caused by a knife, stabbed just below his rib cage. It was very unfortunate that he had not past away peacefully but probably suffered quite a long while.

    I hope that you were conscious by the fact that your son was part of the gang, Royals. And by being part of this group, he should have been well aware that he had chosen the rest of his life and that he should have known that there would be a great possibility of him dying from it.

    It is great misfortune that your son had befriended with the wrong people and had died because of it. But, I truly hope that you would not blame yourselves for his death, for he had made this grave decision himself. It really is disheartening to see such fine young men fallen into the hands of gang fights and therefore my heart goes to you.

    Sincerely,




    Mr. Henry Latten

    59th Street
    New York City, USA
    V32 6P7


    Note: I just want to say that I'm in Grade 9 and English had not been my first language. So if there are many grammar mistakes, please bare with me!

    Edit: We were suppose to write about the son's death and the policeman's point of view towards youth gang in general. So please tell me if there's anything I should add on.

    Thank you so much for your precious time!
    It is to my greatest displeasure and grief to inform to you that your son sadly passed away last night. He was lying on the sidewalk when he was discovered by his girlfriend.

    It appeared to be the aftermath of a serious gang fight and was very likely that your son had been targeted by a rival gang. He bled to death from a serious wound caused by a knife, (stabbed just below his rib cage.)-maybe you could get rid of this last part, sounds iffy to me

    (It was very unfortunate that he had not past away peacefully but probably suffered quite a long while.)-probably a real bad idea to include this

    I hope that you were aware of the fact that your son was part of the gang, Royals. Being part of this group, (he should have been well aware that he had chosen the rest of his life and that he should have known that there would be a great possibility of him dying from it.)-this last part doesn't make sense to me, consider changing it?

    It is a great misfortune that your son befriended the wrong people and died because of it. But, I truly hope that you do not blame yourselves for his death. (for he had made this grave decision himself). -get rid of this

    It is disheartening to see such fine young man fall into the hands of gang life and therefore my heart goes out to you.

    Sincerely,

    This is what I would change, I don't have much time so unless someone makes it better i'll change stuff later, hope this helps (i'm not an english major either)
    Last edited by Elcura; 11-05-2006 at 08:49 AM.

  3. #3
    xMidnightEnvyx is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    Thanks for your helpful tips!

    Made by the amazingly talented, Hatter-chan from VK <3

  4. #4
    DeV_2002 is offline Junior Member Newbie
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    I'll amend it a bit for you:

    It is to my greatest displeasure and grief to inform to you that your son sadly passed away last night. He was lying on the sidewalk when he was discovered by his girlfriend.He was discovered lying on the sidewalk by his girlfriend

    It appeared to be the aftermath of a serious gang fight and was very likely that your son had been targeted by a rival gang. He bled to death from a serious wound caused by a knife, (stabbed just below his rib cage.)-maybe you could get rid of this last part, sounds iffy to me or maybe say "His death was due to a serious knife wound in the chest" Or "below the ribs" depending on how accurate you want to be

    (It was very unfortunate that he had not past away peacefully but probably suffered quite a long while.)-probably a real bad idea to include this heh. this depends how what you are role is.... a policeman who is caring? or apathetic? if caring, yes, drop the sentence.... or you could say "it is unfortunate that your son had to die this way"

    I hope that you were aware of the fact that your son was part of the gang, Royals. Being part of this group, (he should have been well aware that he had chosen the rest of his life and that he should have known that there would be a great possibility of him dying from it.)-this last part doesn't make sense to me, consider changing it? i think he's trying to say that he's death should be expected as he was part of a gang. so maybe "Your son should have know the consequences of joining such a gang"?

    It is a great misfortune that your son befriended the wrong people and died because of it. But, I truly hope that you do not blame yourselves for his death. (for he had made this grave decision himself). -get rid of this

    It is disheartening to see such fine young man fall into the hands of gang life and therefore my heart goes out to you.

    Sincerely,
    Last edited by DeV_2002; 11-06-2006 at 04:28 AM. Reason: BB code fu not good enough

  5. #5
    sperm worm is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    VT, MA & NY, USA
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    Here's how i wouldve written this letter:

    It is my greatest displeasure and grief to inform you that sadly, your son passed away last night. He was discovered lying on the sidewalk, dead, by his girlfriend.

    Your son probably died in a seriously gang fight. it was very likely that your son had made an enemy of a rival gang. He was stabbed below the ribcage, and bled to death.

    I hope that that you were aware that your son was part of a street gang. "The Royals," as they called themselves, were often involved in fights. Your son should have known the consequences of being in a gang.

    It is awful to see a good, young boy to die because of a bad decision. My heart is with you in your hour of need.
    ---------------
    hope it helps.


 

 

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