Thread: Hanul's Literature

I'll post some more later on.

This is a speech I made for my English class.I'm pretty nervous about it since its copeltely different from everyone else's.
My Ambition
I was born into this cruel world. From childhood to now this world is still just as cruel as it was when I was born. But from this cruel treatment, great ambition rose. Ambition that makes me stride towards my dreams and hopes, however hopeless they are. Although this world does everything within its arsenal to stop me and spurn me back with rebukes and ridicules. I continue to strive forward to my hopes and dreams, to the dreams caused by my ambitions, to the hopes to live in a kinder, better world.

Most people would tell you that they’ve had many friends in their life. I can tell you that I’ve had only a few in mine. Ever since I was a little kid, I was always picked on, ridiculed and laughed at, whether for being the only Asian in the school or for something else. The so called sanctuary of the church was no difference either. In fact it was worse in those holy hell-holes, as the other children would exclude me from everything, and if they included me, I was to be their entertainment. That of course forced me to move to over 9 different churches, where I received the same treatment by all of the children my age, while the ignorant, unknowing adults all the while had their backs turned.

School was a continuous sea of cruelty, as I was basically the outcast from elementary to even now. Apparently being nice and trusting others no longer works towards one’s survival but now works against it. Pain was a constant feeling I had felt, as I can probably tell you that I could count the total number of friends I had in elementary school on one hand. Middle school was the same, except that we were older.

From all of these experiences a feeling stronger than hate rose in me. This feeling was directed towards the world and at all of the inhabitants. Animals seemed more human then humans themselves. Mankind had shown himself as a cruel barbaric child born out of wedlock, who received entertainment from one another’s pain and injury. Such was my view of humanity. From studying history, I have found much support on my view. After the feeling that was more powerful than hate himself subsided, that was when ambition exploded like a hydrogen bomb inside me. I grew inside of me such passionate desires to change the world, for one that was better, kinder, and one that would be no longer cruel to me.

By studying history and learning history,I will ensure myself that the same mistakes and failures will not happen again. From this I grew confidence in my ambitions, my dreams. I will tell you this, you will find some of my ambitions silly and stupid, but they are my ambitions not yours. You do not have the dreams I have, nor have you faced a life of solitude with the only interaction with those your age was to be ridiculed and picked on.

I have many ambitions, but they are all from what will hopefully result in one goal of mine. My goal is to rise in the corporate world and own my own global business. My dream is to have that business create an infinite amount of jobs for those that live in the third world countries, as well as creating unlimited jobs for many in the developed countries. Of course creating jobs to help so many that cannot live without poverty will put the company in a good spotlight. But of course, from this ambition, I must say this amuses me a little bit as well, but from this I hope to create my own political party in such a third world country, most likely in the African Horn and rise to become not a dictator but instead as a constitutional monarch, backed by the support of the people whom I am trying to employ and give better lives. If the political party does not work, then there is always the possibility of paramilitary and mercenaries which I would be able to get and pay for, since the company of mine has the funds to finance such a thing. Of course I would allow all freedoms here practiced in the U.S. to also be practiced in the country, along with representation of the people, but one thing will be that I will hold a certain amount of power to myself to right what I see as corrupt and wrong.

From there my greatest ambition will begin; the attempt for world domination, the humiliation of the proud, and the attempt to create a better world. This will be the first step towards the realization of my goal of creating a better world. A world where cruelty is rare, and if encountered will be parried with less harsher form, until it learns to never show its face again. A world where equality is fully embraced a world without poverty. Of course I won’t spoil the details of how I plan to take over the world to you.

My ambitions, as silly as you may think they are, are still my ambitions and not yours. Of course I understand that there is a good possibility that I will die for attempting my greatest ambition, but going after something is better then just standing still isn’t it? My views of mankind have stemmed from my knowledge of history and past experience. From such views arose my ambitions, and from such ambitions, I came to be.

Crit on the writing:

I don't think there are big flaws in grammar or spelling, but there is little style to your writing. You seem to try too hard to create long-winded sentences and complex semantics that you end up with awkward sounding paragraphs. There are many repeated words that come up too consecutively, which is not grammatically wrong, but just poor writing in general. Things like "Of course..." and "But of course..." should not start off two sentences like that, one after another. You also wrote "[I will] tell you" one too many times. There are a lot of those things that make your essay a bit too amateur sounding.

My personal thoughts:
Disclaimer: Don't take this the wrong way.

To be honest, this really made no sense to me. I did not find it morbid nor depressing, simply due to the fact that it was written by a 16 year old. I mean no offence in the matter, but 16 years on this earth means little to nothing in terms of experiences. To think that you would hate an entire world because of unfortunate events in your childhood is ludicrous.

Allow me to say this: When people have time to contemplate and complain about their social life, their "feelings" and loneliness, their "hurts" and how no one ever understands them...it usually means they live a rather comfortable life, in terms of the necessities. You must have food everyday available for you, a roof to sleep under, clothes to wear, a computer and internet to use. You must have all that readily given to you, much to no cost of your own, because only then would you have the nerve to start complaining about the less important things.

Starving kids in Africa, homeless children living in the park by your house, do you think they have the PRIVILAGE of worrying and complaining about how many friends they have, how they get picked on at school? No, they can't even if they wanted to, because they are busy wondering where the next meal will come from, if at all. They worry about whether it will rain that night because they would freeze when they try to fall asleep on the concrete pavement under the park bench.

My point is when you realize how blessed you are compared to the rest of the world, you tend to talk less about what is wrong in your life, but appreciate life itself. You are but 16 in age, do not type as if you understand the world and its inhabitants, nor as if you have had an incurable hurt that will sustain your reason for world domination. You seek “the humiliation of the proud”, but can’t you see that two wrongs never make a right? You only end up becoming what you hate.

Lastly, your words, “but going after something is better then just standing still isn’t it” does not always ring true. Had Hitler stood still, rather than chasing after his ambition, we would have had avoided a massacre. In other words, what you chase determines whether or not your life is worth living. Choosing the wrong ambition, fueled by shallow reasons…the only way you move is down.

Nataku,I have a few comments on your personal thoughts.
For one thing,hitler wanted to become a painter,or actually an architect.Instead of going after that ambition he decided to go into politics,and we all know where that ended up.

Homeless children in the park near my house.Theres a reason why they invented CPS.Also What keeps the children in Africa from just giving in and dying instead of fighting on?What gives them the hope to continue?Friendship and new friends from the red cross volunteers, volunteers from humanitarian groups who support them and try to make their lives better.Well from what I mean by friendship is like someone who helps you and gives you hope.Ultimately hope.

Besides like I said this is for a class,and alot of the stuff I make for class is just bs.

Well hopefully my crits wil help you turn in a better essay.

CPS, and dozens of other organizations, have yet to solve the problem of children without homes. Those who still are on the streets worry more about how to survive than things like having real friendship, etc.
Children in Africa...your point is weak. If the Red Cross had reached evey child in Africa, we would nto have starving children dying of hunger and disease. Every day, more than 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes--one child every five seconds. Obviously, some people are not being reached.
Yet despite that, whether or not they have friendship, hope, or anything, they still have the will to survive, to try and find some comfort in the world that is all too cruel, and much more cruel to them than it ever has been or will be to you. These are the children that sniff glue to temporarily rid themselves of the thought of hunger. If they are that desperate to see a few more days come their way, how much more reason do you have to live with little complaint.

As for Hitler, wanting to become something and putting your effort into something are different things. If he wanted to become a painter, but did not put his energy into it, that was not his ambition. He placed his time and effort into politics and his view of genocide. And that was his ambition.

Well thanks for the crits,I'm seeing by what you mean.Though by amateurish sounding,aren't I an amateur?I mean I know I'm not a pro,so doesnt that make me an amateur?

As for Hitler,it was his dream to become a painter,it was his ambition untill he became fascinated with architecture wanted to become an architect,but he was forced to stop that ambition mainly b/c he failed school and did not have the credits to take the school for architects.So yeah that was his original ambition,but then he went into politics and formed a new ambition.But still if he went after his original ambition,then he would be known as just an architect/painter

Paragraphs Hanul! PARAGRAPHS.

My Ambition
I was born into this cruel world. From childhood to now this world is still just as cruel as it was when I was born. But from this cruel treatment, great ambition rose. Ambition that makes me stride towards my dreams and hopes, however hopeless they are. Although this world does everything within its arsenal to stop me and spurn me back with rebukes and ridicules. I continue to strive forward to my hopes and dreams, to the dreams caused by my ambitions, to the hopes to live in a kinder, better world.
Most people would tell you that they’ve had many friends in their life. I can tell you that I’ve had only a few in mine. Ever since I was a little kid, I was always picked on, ridiculed and laughed at, whether for being the only Asian in the school or for something else. The so called sanctuary of the church was no difference either. In fact it was worse in those holy hell-holes, as the other children would exclude me from everything, and if they included me, I was to be their entertainment. That of course forced me to move to over 9 different churches, where I received the same treatment by all of the children my age, while the ignorant, unknowing adults all the while had their backs turned.
School was a continuous sea of cruelty, as I was basically the outcast from elementary to even now. Apparently being nice and trusting others no longer works towards one’s survival but now works against it. Pain was a constant feeling I had felt, as I can probably tell you that I could count the total number of friends I had in elementary school on one hand. Middle school was the same, except that we were older.
From all of these experiences a feeling stronger than hate rose in me. This feeling was directed towards the world and at all of the inhabitants. Animals seemed more human then humans themselves. Mankind had shown himself as a cruel barbaric child born out of wedlock, who received entertainment from one another’s pain and injury. Such was my view of humanity. From studying history, I have found much support on my view. After the feeling that was more powerful than hate himself subsided, that was when ambition exploded like a hydrogen bomb inside me. I grew inside of me such passionate desires to change the world, for one that was better, kinder, and one that would be no longer cruel to me.
I will tell you this, I love history. Studying history and learning history, to ensure that the same mistakes and failures will not happen again. From this I grew confidence in my ambitions, my dreams. I will tell you this, you will find some of my ambitions silly and stupid, but they are my ambitions not yours. You do not have the dreams I have, nor have you faced a life of solitude with the only interaction with those your age was to be ridiculed and picked on.
I have many ambitions, but they are all from what will hopefully result in one ambition of mine. My ambition is to rise in the corporate world and own my own global business. My ambition is to have that business create countless jobs for those that live in the third world countries, as well as creating countless jobs for many in the developed countries. Of course creating jobs to help so many that cannot live without poverty will put the company in a good spotlight. But of course, from this ambition, I must say this amuses me a little bit as well, but from this I hope to create my own political party in such a third world country, most likely in the African Horn and rise to become not a dictator but instead as a constitutional monarch, backed by the support of the people whom I am trying to employ and give better lives. If the political party does not work, then there is always the possibility of paramilitary and mercenaries which I would be able to get and pay for, since the company of mine has the funds to finance such a thing. Of course I would allow all freedoms here practiced in the U.S. to also be practiced in the country, along with representation of the people, but one thing will be that I will hold a certain amount of power to myself to right what I see as corrupt and wrong.
From there my greatest ambition will begin; the attempt for world domination, the humiliation of the proud, and the attempt to create a better world. This will be the first step towards the realization of my goal of creating a better world. A world where cruelty is rare, and if encountered will be parried with less harsher cruelty, until cruelty learns to never show its face again. A world where equality is fully embraced a world without poverty. Of course I won’t spoil the details of how I plan to take over the world to you.
My ambitions, as silly as you may think they are, are still my ambitions and not yours. Of course I understand that there is a good possibility that I will die for attempting my greatest ambition, but going after something is better then just standing still isn’t it? My views of mankind have stemmed from my knowledge of history and past experience. From such views arose my ambitions, and from such ambitions, I came to be.

******************
anything bold means either "weak/passive verb" or "weak/passive phrase" or "weak/passive/cliche sentence."
(aka. that means "stop boring me."

anything in the same color means "use a thesauraus."

You're practically doing a "hit me on the head" type of method here. Personally, it failed at capturing any sence of (1) style (2) sympathy (3) interest. Sorry.

.........................

for some reason once i read your speech I felt as if you are missing something, I can't really put my finger on it but i think is a bit weak on the emotional part.


as for "nataku_0" I my self am 17 years old and you know what. I have seen the world with my own eyes and the only reason I'm still alive is because my mother wish it so. The age doesn't matter when it compares with experience, I hate life as I hate humanity.

Originally Posted by coolpuprocks

My Ambition
I was born into this cruel world. From childhood to now this world is still just as cruel as it was when I was born. But from this cruel treatment, great ambition rose. Ambition that makes me stride towards my dreams and hopes, however hopeless they are. Although this world does everything within its arsenal to stop me and spurn me back with rebukes and ridicules. I continue to strive forward to my hopes and dreams, to the dreams caused by my ambitions, to the hopes to live in a kinder, better world.
Most people would tell you that they’ve had many friends in their life. I can tell you that I’ve had only a few in mine. Ever since I was a little kid, I was always picked on, ridiculed and laughed at, whether for being the only Asian in the school or for something else. The so called sanctuary of the church was no difference either. In fact it was worse in those holy hell-holes, as the other children would exclude me from everything, and if they included me, I was to be their entertainment. That of course forced me to move to over 9 different churches, where I received the same treatment by all of the children my age, while the ignorant, unknowing adults all the while had their backs turned.
School was a continuous sea of cruelty, as I was basically the outcast from elementary to even now. Apparently being nice and trusting others no longer works towards one’s survival but now works against it. Pain was a constant feeling I had felt, as I can probably tell you that I could count the total number of friends I had in elementary school on one hand. Middle school was the same, except that we were older.
From all of these experiences a feeling stronger than hate rose in me. This feeling was directed towards the world and at all of the inhabitants. Animals seemed more human then humans themselves. Mankind had shown himself as a cruel barbaric child born out of wedlock, who received entertainment from one another’s pain and injury. Such was my view of humanity. From studying history, I have found much support on my view. After the feeling that was more powerful than hate himself subsided, that was when ambition exploded like a hydrogen bomb inside me. I grew inside of me such passionate desires to change the world, for one that was better, kinder, and one that would be no longer cruel to me.
I will tell you this, I love history. Studying history and learning history, to ensure that the same mistakes and failures will not happen again. From this I grew confidence in my ambitions, my dreams. I will tell you this, you will find some of my ambitions silly and stupid, but they are my ambitions not yours. You do not have the dreams I have, nor have you faced a life of solitude with the only interaction with those your age was to be ridiculed and picked on.
I have many ambitions, but they are all from what will hopefully result in one ambition of mine. My ambition is to rise in the corporate world and own my own global business. My ambition is to have that business create countless jobs for those that live in the third world countries, as well as creating countless jobs for many in the developed countries. Of course creating jobs to help so many that cannot live without poverty will put the company in a good spotlight. But of course, from this ambition, I must say this amuses me a little bit as well, but from this I hope to create my own political party in such a third world country, most likely in the African Horn and rise to become not a dictator but instead as a constitutional monarch, backed by the support of the people whom I am trying to employ and give better lives. If the political party does not work, then there is always the possibility of paramilitary and mercenaries which I would be able to get and pay for, since the company of mine has the funds to finance such a thing. Of course I would allow all freedoms here practiced in the U.S. to also be practiced in the country, along with representation of the people, but one thing will be that I will hold a certain amount of power to myself to right what I see as corrupt and wrong.
From there my greatest ambition will begin; the attempt for world domination, the humiliation of the proud, and the attempt to create a better world. This will be the first step towards the realization of my goal of creating a better world. A world where cruelty is rare, and if encountered will be parried with less harsher cruelty, until cruelty learns to never show its face again. A world where equality is fully embraced a world without poverty. Of course I won’t spoil the details of how I plan to take over the world to you.
My ambitions, as silly as you may think they are, are still my ambitions and not yours. Of course I understand that there is a good possibility that I will die for attempting my greatest ambition, but going after something is better then just standing still isn’t it? My views of mankind have stemmed from my knowledge of history and past experience. From such views arose my ambitions, and from such ambitions, I came to be.

******************
anything bold means either "weak/passive verb" or "weak/passive phrase" or "weak/passive/cliche sentence."
(aka. that means "stop boring me."

anything in the same color means "use a thesauraus."

You're practically doing a "hit me on the head" type of method here. Personally, it failed at capturing any sence of (1) style (2) sympathy (3) interest. Sorry.

XD... I didn't even comment on C-N's just rewrote it how it should be IMO... great material, but needed an editor's touch (like any good writer)

Martyr,I did put them in paragraphs,but I dunno what happened but they ended up not as paragraphs.Too lazy to fix it tho.