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  1. #11
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    err.. adding spaces is just gonna make it easier to read. (aka- it's minor importance)

    Did you fix the content yet?

  2. #12
    nataku_0 is offline Senior Member Well Known
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    Quote Originally Posted by zerocold96
    as for "nataku_0" I my self am 17 years old and you know what. I have seen the world with my own eyes and the only reason I'm still alive is because my mother wish it so. The age doesn't matter when it compares with experience, I hate life as I hate humanity.
    Why wouldn't age matter? Maybe you have more experiences than another 17 year-old, but I doubt you understand the world better than a 60 year-old man. How much of the world have you actually seen? How many different cultures have you experienced?
    There are countless of dying children your age that wish they had your lifestyle. Only spoiled brats find time to complain among their wealth with unreasonable claims of hatred against humanity and life.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by nataku_0
    Only spoiled brats find time to complain among their wealth with unreasonable claims of hatred against humanity and life.
    Ya know.. you make a very interesting point right there.

    If you have time to post a message on a forum, clearly you (1) have access to a computer and (2) have access to the internet

    --both are expensive luxuries often taken for granted.

  4. #14
    Hanul is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    I haven't had enough time to really edit it.

    But this speech,isnt about me with a sad lie or ne of that crap,its mostly a speech about what i want to do and how i got it,btw all of that sad stuff im describing was when i was still in elementary school,so yeah me being a little kid,way back,The speech is mianly about what I want to do,and if you can see it(unless ive changed it something)I want want to create change,and help people(while doing what a few of you might call evil or insane or just plain stupid)

    I'll fix the context sooenr or later when i get the time.

    Until one has given everything, one has given nothing.
    óGeorges Guynemer

  5. #15
    Issalroc is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    How cute Hanul. You miss cor so much you're going emo.

  6. #16
    Hanul is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    You need to read,and find out when I registered.
    Plus emos are just people who sit around,cut themselves and complain/whine,I'm scheming to change,and preparing,im not sitting around and complaining,I have plans.
    Last edited by Hanul; 09-19-2006 at 06:00 PM.

    Until one has given everything, one has given nothing.
    óGeorges Guynemer

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hanul
    I haven't had enough time to really edit it.
    I feel offended by that...

    Then seriously.. don't waste our time and ask for suggestions for improvements.

  8. #18
    Hanul is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Well I edited it abit,mainly the colored words.But I dunno about the bold,I mean I don't want to delete them,but I dunno how I can change em to not sounding weak/passive;Though this is basically a speech so I'm guessing I made them like that for my speech.

    Until one has given everything, one has given nothing.
    óGeorges Guynemer

  9. #19
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    Hmr..

    I think this story can also be 100X better if you added an anecdote in the beginning. Some kind of eye-catching story. A punchline works too. Something that hits home.

    Like, I was reading this book

    I write for many reasons. I want people to see the real children hiding within the statistics. It is easier to ignore the 555,000 people than it is to ignore Ashley, a four-year-old who had been videotaped having sex with her brother
    See? BAM! something that goes "WTF?!?!?!!?"

    Oh, about the bold stuff..

    actually, in retrospect.. you can keep all the was and stuff like that. It's just.. I was thinking a stronger verb might be appropriate at times. (something that shows action.)

    Well, what I was taught once was, "Here's a list of no-where words. Never have them in your essay because they do not contribute at all." Whenever we had one of those words, we'd automatically lose five points from our essay.

    For example, "
    . You do not have the dreams I have, nor have you faced a life of solitude with the only interaction with those your age was to be ridiculed and picked on. "

    That statement show's me what I do not have. What did I learn? Nothing. Zip. This statement is what I'd call "fluff." It's pretty stuff that just makes the passage longer without adding nothing important.

    You can change that to "Experiencing life different from the average person has transformed my dreams into my _____" or something like that..

    ...

    hm... I wanna add "transformed my dreams into my chocolate bar." cause I smell chocolate right now...
    ......................

    actually.. my new sentence ain't that good. hmr...

    .......................

    I'll make a few more edits:

    Remember the saying, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you'll get"?

    Well, I must've chosen the wrong one because all I got was a tooth ache!

    I was born into this cruel world. From childhood to now this world is still just as cruel as it was when I was born. But from this cruel treatment, great ambition rose. Ambition that makes me stride towards my dreams and hopes, however hopeless they are. Although this world does everything within its arsenal to stop me and spurn me back with rebukes and ridicules. I continue to strive forward to my hopes and dreams, to the dreams caused by my ambitions, to the hopes to live in a kinder, better world.
    Most people would tell you that theyíve had many friends in their life. I can tell you that Iíve had only a few in mine. Ever since I was a little kid, I was always picked on, ridiculed and laughed at, whether for being the only Asian in the school or for something else. The so called sanctuary of the church was no difference either. In fact it was worse in those holy hell-holes, as the other children would exclude me from everything, and if they included me, I was to be their entertainment. That of course forced me to move to over 9 different churches, where I received the same treatment by all of the children my age, while the ignorant, unknowing adults all the while had their backs turned.
    School was a continuous sea of cruelty, as I was basically the outcast from elementary to even now. Apparently being nice and trusting others no longer works towards oneís survival but now works against it. Pain was a constant feeling I had felt, as I can probably tell you that I could count the total number of friends I had in elementary school on one hand. Middle school was the same, except that we were older.
    From all of these experiences a feeling stronger than hate rose in me. This feeling was directed towards the world and at all of the inhabitants. Animals seemed more human then humans themselves. Mankind had shown himself as a cruel barbaric child born out of wedlock, who received entertainment from one anotherís pain and injury. Such was my view of humanity. From studying history, I have found much support on my view. After the feeling that was more powerful than hate himself subsided, that was when different attitudes inside me exploded like a hydrogen bomb. Growing inside, was this desires to change the world, for one that was better, kinder, and one that would be no longer cruel to me.
    happen again.
    Experiencing life different from the average person has transformed my desires and dreams into my chocolate bar.

    And boy did I get lucky because in my chocolate bar was a rich creamy center called ambitions.


    I have many ambitions, but they are all from what will hopefully result in one ambition of mine. My ambition is to rise in the corporate world and own my own global business. My ambition is to have that business create countless jobs for those that live in the third world countries, as well as creating countless jobs for many in the developed countries. Of course creating jobs to help so many that cannot live without poverty will put the company in a good spotlight. But of course, from this ambition, I must say this amuses me a little bit as well, but from this I hope to create my own political party in such a third world country, most likely in the African Horn and rise to become not a dictator but instead as a constitutional monarch, backed by the support of the people whom I am trying to employ and give better lives. If the political party does not work, then there is always the possibility of paramilitary and mercenaries which I would be able to get and pay for, since the company of mine has the funds to finance such a thing. Of course I would allow all freedoms here practiced in the U.S. to also be practiced in the country, along with representation of the people, but one thing will be that I will hold a certain amount of power to myself to right what I see as corrupt and wrong.
    From there my greatest ambition will begin; the attempt for world domination, the humiliation of the proud, and the attempt to create a better world. This will be the first step towards the realization of my goal of creating a better world. A world where cruelty is rare, and if encountered will be parried with less harsher cruelty, until cruelty learns to never show its face again. A world where equality is fully embraced a world without poverty. Of course I wonít spoil the details of how I plan to take over the world to you.
    My ambitions, as silly as you may think they are, are still my ambitions and not yours. Of course I understand that there is a good possibility that I will die for attempting my greatest ambition, but going after something is better then just standing still isnít it? My views of mankind have stemmed from my knowledge of history and past experience. From such views arose my ambitions, and from such ambitions, I came to be, and I will never let that melt away.

    .........................

    err.. I just made a pretty quicky extended metaphor about chocolate. =P

    hahahaha...

    Play a little with your piece. A little joke here or there can't hurt.

  10. #20
    Hanul is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Yeah after trying so many times to edit it,I just ended up getting frustrated and just turned it in with the few minor editing that wouldn't frustrate me because it sounded like it was supposed to be there or atleast sounded better then before.Got a perfect score on it so thanks to all.I know its been awhile since I last posted in this thread, I'm gonna start posting up short poems in a little while so stay tuned lol. A few(Or well most of them) are melancholy(I guess if your like extremeish you could call it sorta emo but I dunno) with a few happy ones.But most are short and dark/melancholy
    Just to start it out here a little ditty I made up,dont take this offensively or anything.

    It’s time to die
    So say your good byes
    Don’t even cry
    Don’t shed a single tear
    For those you hold so very dear
    Walk towards death happily
    Because it is your duty
    It’s time to die so say your good byes
    Good bye
    Last edited by Hanul; 11-01-2006 at 08:11 PM.

    Until one has given everything, one has given nothing.
    óGeorges Guynemer

 

 
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