Edited Please delete this post
Edited Please delete this post
Last edited by Kaiserkreuz; 09-11-2007 at 08:14 AM.
@ Alerian, you weren't the one who got denied, but yours still does need some work. looking better though.
Also, this place isn't really where I want comments and discussion on profiles to be. Take to it the first character thread (these posts will be moved there later)
After much discussion with Elcura we've both decided to Reject the Profile for several reasons.
If this said Soul Link was a common thing between all twins then I don't buy it how this affected the two of them while one lost a mind another gained one while I'm presuming the other is dead since it has no mind of its own. This doesn't happen with normal twins and the only logical way I thought was to use the Soul Link from the series between twins Alicia and Beth with the same Soul Link failing hence leaving one girl with both minds. If it was so common I don't see how someone can die from it or let alone gain two minds. Enlighten us if it really isn't Alicia/Beth Soul Link and how does it differ?
You're regen skill is unacceptable because you help others regrow arms and legs without having any downside defects. Not only that for Claymores it generally has to be Defensive type of warriors or they won't be able to regrow anything anyway. I would also have assumed the skill or helping others regen requires great deal of concentration and having two mentality doesn't make it stable enough or at least thats what I'd think.
The current personality you have (and you can argue all day long about it but this is what we've deducted) isnt something we expect from Claymores. There are nicer friendly ones out there but Catherine's personality is an overkill nice. It's what I would have expected from a Card Captor's RP or Chobits. This RP takes place in a dark ages/medieval age, remind yourself this.
You've been warned but you have yet to change the colours. Elcura have tried to be lenient as he always is, but I do not want this to become too strayed from the original concepts of Claymore and what makes Claymore, Claymore. I don't want a happy princessy character amongst the ranks of hardened warriors nor do I wish to see a Persocon like Chi wandering around killing Yoma.
For better or worse, I've discussed this with Elcura and he has given me permission to reject your profile.
Yet to be decided
The full moon set against the backdrop of a cloudless summer night, the chilling cold of a winter’s morning; a quiet place of tranquil, to - think.
Acting without rational thought, Despair and cocky creatures – whether it be; Human, Yoma or Claymore.
Independent reserved and quiet, it is due to these qualities that Hathes is able to analyze a situation and act out what he believes to be the best course of action without becoming emotionally involved. His natural intelligence is above average, yet is hidden behind a façade of a hard worker. He is quick to understand and this often allows him to manipulate a situation to his favour – whether it is a combat situation or a matter of personal opinion. In combat he tries to avoid frontal assaults, preferring to use his surroundings in a strategic manner.
(Yeah i know, it's Ed. from Full Metal Alchemist but this image really fits Hathes personality and the use of his skills. After all, Hathes is more brains over brawns - the look is also similar to what i had in mind.)
Mental Haze: Due to his defensive orientation and personality Hathes was able to control his Yoma alignment much earlier then expected of normal recruits. After months of mental experimentation he partially developed a skill similar to that of more experienced claymore’s abilities to read the enemy’s Yoma signatures and to align their Yoma to pinpoint the enemy’s movements. Hathes’s skill, instead of reading the enemy’s movements allows him to disrupt the neural pathways of the Yoma, allowing him to misdirect or re-direct enemy actions. However, due to his inexperience and comparatively younger age to that of older Claymores, Hathes needs to remain in a stationary stage in order to perfectly align his Yoma to the enemy’s. In addition to this he must maintain visual contact and have his claymore with him in order to use it as a medium to disperse the Yoma energy. This ability relies on his ability to disperse Yoma energy through him; this is made easier with the use of his sword. With his sword he is able to control it roughly 10 times, without – 4 times, before he loses himself.
Genesis: Like its namesake is the ability to create new flesh in the heat of the moment. This ability is a regenerative skill; utilizing his defensive orientation he is able to control reformation of muscle and tissue in a specific area. Limited to small open wounds, any larger and he is prone to losing his control.
*note: Although it's known that defensive type Claymores can regenerate limbs, this is a faster form - more heat of the moment type instant regeneration.
Growing up was awkward for Hathes, always having to move with his father’s brewery business. Towards that end he grew to understand and love his family a great deal, and as an only child his mother nurtured and kept only the best for him. However, with no childhood friends and no siblings he’d often withdraw into his own world when his parents were too busy trying to succeed in a Yoma ridden world. His own little world, a place that consisted of books, daydreaming and his imagination, indeed he felt only his imagination was the limit with the world at times. To that end he grew to become interested in Human anatomy and would often experiment with himself and the ways his body would react.
It was namely the death of his parents that caused him to turn to The Organization. Hearing the agonizing screams of his parents as their guts were devoured, their breathing becoming lighter and their complexion becoming paler by the minute; to this day he remembers the glazed over eyes of his parents looking to him in their dying moments.The whispered words still echoing far in the recesses of his mind, Run, Hathes, run.
He wondered the wild country side for what seemed like months, stealing what little food he could in towns and hunting wild game, always looking for a way out at the first sign of danger while wishing he could be stronger, better. Hathes avoided being noticed as much as he could; attempting to blend in with his surroundings as much as possible to make good his exit when the time came, and those times were often always when screams were heard in the dead silence of the night.
It was in the cold months of winter that he was caught. In his hunger and out of desperation he stole more food then he could carry and was captured by the villagers of a small town he was taking refuge in. Consequently the villagers sold him off to the Organization in exchange for a few coins of silver and as he was carted off towards the Eastern horizon he couldn’t help but think, maybe this was for the best…
Just how old is this kid? I understood through the part where he lives in his own solitude world reading books and daydreaming about his imagination but how does that result in him being fascinated with human anatomy to drive him to perform experiments on his own body? I thought most kids play in the sun, the hills with or without friends and dream about knights, dragons, adventures than human anatomy. If so I won't ask what type of book this said boy was reading. If you're writing about a little kid then you have to have the mindset of a kid while writing, how would he act, feel, do things? and question yourself under the circumstance you gave him is this the way a normal little boys would act if they are being raised a normal loving family?His own little world, a place that consisted of books, daydreaming and his imagination, indeed he felt only his imagination was the limit with the world at times. To that end he grew to become interested in Human anatomy and would often experiment with himself and the ways his body would react.
Villagers sold him off to the Organization? I don't remember if they have a hotline for picking up one stray kid for a price of coins unless it was in bulk numbers which could be seen in slavery.
While reviewing skills are normally up to Elcura I would advise you to take note that you won't be able to use this as a trainee nor as a rookie claymore. Also I think in the Claymore world, its the claymores themselves that regenerate their own body than letting others do the healing. We have seen something like it from the new arc but I'd think the skill comes with much experience so eitherway even if it is approved you won't be able to use this until much later when (provided people are still motivated in the rp) we start the second arc Rise of Riful. All in all, I'm only half hearted about this skill =/ Discuss with Elcura and if he finds it ok or workable I'll let it pass. Otherwise listen to his advice and regreate it accordingly.Genesis: Like its namesake is the ability to create new flesh in the heat of the moment. This ability is a regenerative skill; utilizing his defensive orientation he is able to control reformation of muscle and tissue in a specific area. Limited to small open wounds, any larger and he is prone to losing his control.
*note: Although it's known that defensive type Claymores can regenerate limbs, this is a faster form - more heat of the moment type instant regeneration.
This is basicly Galatea's skill. I don't see why a sword is included in there though acting like a transmitter of some sort. I think you attempted to create something original yet sticking the same basic facts copied from Galatea's power and added in some disadvantages. Not that its a bad thing to add disadvantages but it seems kind of pointless when people like Galatea can do the same thing without the need of a sword or standing still.Mental Haze: Due to his defensive orientation and personality Hathes was able to control his Yoma alignment much earlier then expected of normal recruits. After months of mental experimentation he partially developed a skill similar to that of more experienced claymore’s abilities to read the enemy’s Yoma signatures and to align their Yoma to pinpoint the enemy’s movements. Hathes’s skill, instead of reading the enemy’s movements allows him to disrupt the neural pathways of the Yoma, allowing him to misdirect or re-direct enemy actions. However, due to his inexperience and comparatively younger age to that of older Claymores, Hathes needs to remain in a stationary stage in order to perfectly align his Yoma to the enemy’s. In addition to this he must maintain visual contact and have his claymore with him in order to use it as a medium to disperse the Yoma energy. This ability relies on his ability to disperse Yoma energy through him; this is made easier with the use of his sword. With his sword he is able to control it roughly 10 times, without – 4 times, before he loses himself.
This skill with or without approval must not be allowed however. I would ask then how would it not be godmodding if your character has every control of a npc and enemies movement even if its little? the mods will be the ones controlling the outcome and the actions of a yoma and I somehow see a possibility of future arguments between you and Elcura or me. It would wrong you to move the npcs against your will while it would be unreasonable to leave the actions and conclusion of an npc's attack based on our judgement because we have given you the right and approved the ability to manipulate. So I can't seem to approve the skill, you may have to find other skills instead of Galatea's one to make life easier on three of us and to avoid a meaningless argument/flamewar in the future when your RPing against npcs.
The personality sounds so stereotypical lol. Sorry I can't help laughing since you're not the only one who writes similar stuff on their character persona. This last advice is merely a suggestion but you could also try to make him somewhat stand out in personality? maybe some traits that makes him funny? likeable? spiteful? He looks like a generic Rigald clone like many other personas written up by the community. Hmm for RPs generally I found it very suitable to just write down my own personality rather than writing something fancy unless I was making a profile for already existing characters in the RP associated with.
History needs a little tweaking and clarifying I think. Skills need to be re-advised but wait for Elcura's second opinion on this matter since I believe he looks into the skills more than me whereas I look more into people's history and personalitys than the skills. My advice on the personality thing, its optional whether you take it seriously or not but it was a suggestion only than a request. Hope that was enough criticism from me. I'll tell Elcura to look into it after his nap time.
want me to edit it or write a new post?
edit: btw. this is just out of curiosity more then anything. In regards to the Galatea like skill (yeah i did take her skill and bunch up a few disadvantages - you yourself said we could just take existing skills anyway) i need to remain still, aka i can't move at all to maintain it. In addition i need to keep visual contact with the Yoma and the Claymore must be in my possession. This skill is going to be near useless in a 1 vs multiple yoma type scenario - more a teamwork type skill because there are so many things you as a game master can do you screw it up for the character anyway. I just don't know; i mean if this is a godmoding skill then that'll just mean i have to turn into a generic turn appendage into big weapon of mass destruction, strike yoma with claymore in a fatal fashion type character.
Last edited by LtoP89; 09-20-2007 at 06:28 PM.
1/2 Human, 1/2 Yoma
Killing Yoma, Training, fighting, protecting those who cannot protect themselves.(very very secretly: chocolate, and kittens)
Yoma, cockiness, those who stand upon the heads of the weak
A bit of a wild card as he doesn't like being ordered around. Highly spiritual, and kind, he tries to help people in trouble even against other humans in non-lethal ways. Though he does his best to maintain a light sence of humor, in a fight he tends to be deadly serious. He enters combat against Yoma with a zeal and vigor rarely seen, fueled by his hatred and despise of them. He welcomes other claymores to fight with him, as he knows the pain they also feel, and the past they all have with the monsters.
Though he works well in a group, usually once the actual fighting starts he looses sight of plans, or any greater strategy. However he tends to avoid the used of yoki as much as possible, believing that you can train your hybrid body to be just as powerful naturally, and releasing the energy is merely a crutch.
He is driven to become better then anyone or anything eltse, not because he want to stand on top, but because he wants to know that he can protect everyone, humans and claymores alike, from any threat that may appear.
He has no special skills, as he believes that developing one simply pulls time away from training the important things, strength, speed, reaction time, and
technique. Also strongly believes that posessing a "special ability" makes you a one trick pony, easily adapted to, and slows your overall growth.
From this belief, and hard training, he has attained a greater then normal strength, speed and agility. With his devotion also came a powerful focus that
allows him above average Yoki control, the ability to resist awakening, which allows him to go slightly beyond the unspoken male limit of 30%. Though he is loathe to use it, when he does release his Yoki he gains a far greater then normal power increse from it, however the more yoki he uses the more reckless/suicidal he becomes. While seeming small compared to the more powerful abilities, many claymores(including Ashton himself) can see that
it is merely drops in the ocean of its potential, as long as he stays alive.
Tall at 6'(183cm) and lean, he has the body of a gymnast or dancer. With very short cropped spiked hair, slightly angular features, and an ever present smile he would be considered attractive by most, though that is the norm for Claymores. (think a less bishounen Easley, with Gutts hair) Prefers to wear tight white sleeveless shirt tucked unto loose black pants cinched by a black belt and black boots. He has been occasionally known to wear the Organisations issued Pauldrons and cloak as well, but not often. He keeps a pair of large metal issued bracers covering both his forearms, used mainly for defence if attacked by humans, so his sword can remain sheathed.
Ashton had a fantastic life, a loving family, could read, write and do math even at the early age of ten. His father was a sucessful blacksmith and they had just moved to town for his father to set up his own smithy. For a couple weeks everything seemed perfect, then disaster struck the town. A Yoma arrived.
Days and weeks rolled by and the bodies kept piling up, thirteen in total, when finally the council had enough money to call for help. A few days later she arrived, and marched into town like she she owned the place, a silver haired goddess...or demon.
The yoma seemed to be particularly apt at hiding, as two full days went by and the claymore was unable to find it, though no more bodies turned up. It appeared that either the yoma left the town or was hoping the claymore would simply leave, both were wrong.
Ashton and his father Jacob arrived home a little later then normal from the new forge, buisness had been slow due to the situation, but Jacob was using the time to stock up on hinges and horseshoes. Just as they opened the front door, a loud crash and his mother screaming was heard from the kitchen. Jacob grabbed the woodaxe that sat beside the door, and rushed to the back of the house, followed closely by a scared Ashton.
Jacob kicked open the door, and there they both froze. On the flood was Ashton's little sister torn in half, and in the hands of a massive Yoma was his mother, staring at them, mouth working as if trying to say something but no sound came out. Jacob roared in rage and charged the beast, swinging the axe with everything he had. The yoma casually blocked the axe with a forearm and, dropping Ashton's mother, drove his hand into Jacob's stomach, withdrawing a handfull of guts. Jacob let loose a scream as he fell, his vision filled with the Yoma including him in its feast. Once Jacob had settled to the ground, he rolled his head to the side and met Ashton's eyes. "Run.." he whispered. Seeing confusion and terror on Ashton's face, he took a great breath and with what remained of his strength screamed "RUN!!!!"
Ashton turned and ran for the door as fast as he could, fear clutching his heart, he ran as hard as he could, for as long as he could, as far as he could. He had to get away from the sight from the monster. Out of the town he ran, and he didn't stop, through farmers fields and into the forest untill his young body collapsed. And then, once he could no longer move, did he curl up into a ball and start screaming.
In the morning Ashton stood, and started walking, he had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do. He was lost, along and felt dead. What happened to him was to much and his mind seemed to shut down. For several days he wandered like this, finding water at a small stream he passed.
On his fourth day of aimless wandering, he was near death when rumbling was heard in the distance. Slowly by surely that rumbling got closer and closer untill it could be recognised as horses. A group of seedy men appeared, riding towards him. They slowed and circled him, the apparent leader looked Ashton over a few times before giving his men a simple command, "Take him."
Slavers, possibly the worst coincidence that could have happened. Ashton was picked up by a scouting party, and taken to a small camp where he was thrown into a caged wagon filled with almost a score of other children.
The following morning the camp packed up and they began moving. For days they travelled into the sunrise, given a mere pittance of food and water, and beaten severely if they spoke at all. It was torturous, but Ashton did not care as he felt dead already and he avoided abuse by never making a sound.
A few more days went by when one afternoon a small black-cloaked man walked into camp. After a short conversation he walked up to the wagon of children and looked them over. Ashton looked up for a momment and met his gaze with glazed eyes, and a small smile crept across the cloaked man's face.
"We'll take them" He smiled as a canvas was thrown over the cage and the wagon started moving again, towards the east, towards the organisation, towards Ashtons torturous unknown future.
Last edited by Danax; 09-23-2007 at 01:38 PM.
i sort of understood that its not a 1 vs 1+ skill. That and with the downsides of using the skill it can be balanced but what if you were to be in a duel? no1 can really do anything? While I think it is a unique gameplay I think it will be better if we didn't allow Galatea's skill in the realm of RP. At some stage there might come a time when you duel other players for whatever reasons and the last thing I want is to hear you being accused of godmodding. While I think you're sensible enough not to make that stupid mistake because of the nature of the skill I'm not especially in favour of it. But ultimately decision on skills are delegated to Elcura's share of approval not mine so seek his advice about it and if he's happy I'll approve of it also.
As for history you can edit or rewrite it if you think it can work with plenty more screws tweaked here and there. Thats up to you, but as of now I'd like it either edited including or modifying the things I requested/suggested or rewrite a new one if thats what you want taking into account what I said earlier that if your writing about childhood make sure you have the mindset (at least temporarily) and figure out how normal 8~10 year olds would react with the new given surroundings/circumstances/etc. I trust you'll do a fine job of it
Although it's tempting to totally ignore Lto, I will continue on.
As for Mental Haze I'm with Miria on this one, mainly because I think it'll be a pain to write scenarios and such for you. The sword thing would make sense if your history reflected something as such, but as it stands it's more of a random crutch thrown in. I don't know how long it takes for you to control/mis-direct an enemy, is the enemy automatically screwed once you have your sights on them or does it take time to align? In the latter case it's easy enough for an enemy to just go out of view unless they are far away enough or in plain view (granted they won't know it needs eye contact), which begs the question does it have a range to it? There's a lot of things that make me wonder how the skill would work.
Also, in the future (when skills are upgraded and strengthened) I see this skill being way to overpowered and should your character awaken it becomes ridiculous.
All in all I would suggest that you change your skills around to something else. Even Galatea's skill was useless if the enemy doesn't hold back or doubt, and with your character's personality instilling that doubt isn't believable.
The point is to be alittle boring, I mean I suppose you could say his "special ability/skill" is, well... skill lol. but why does everyone need a Kamehame ha anyway? :P Something different. While its not as exciting as the Flashsword, or as hard hitting as Jean's(can't remember the name) it still is viable just as powerful(priscilla didn't have a known special ability). Also, who doesn't have those things they love deep down, but don't want anyone to konw about?
About the Yoki, never said a thing about no disadvantages to releasing his Yoki, just he has greater then normal control, which means that he can control his urges and such better. So perhaps haveing a limit higher then most ie instead of the 30% 5 minute limit he is perhaps 40% 5 minute limit, with the chance to gradually increase that a little bit. maybe 50% at his height?
And as stated, his strength, speed and reaction time increase a lot more then normal from releaseing Yoki... somewhat like Galatea. I suppose this could be his special ability... But even then, as stated in the profile, he hates using yoki, and does everything he can to not use it.
After all #40 at 80% would still get STOMPED by #1 at 0% right? so obviously Yoki shouldn't be needed, all it takes is hard work
Thanks for your reply, does that mean its alright on your end?