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  1. #141
    Phantom Miria is offline Senior Member Respected Member
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    Reason why Osmosis was suggested is probably because it makes more sense than consuming life force as you've described. Normally as posters mentioned, Yoma or Awakened Being generally feast using good old sharp tools at their disposal and their mouth, we've never really seen them consume food just by touching them unless you're a Luciela who grows mouth all over her body whenever she feels like it. It strays too much from the ways we've seen and I question whether you really are an awakened being at all. You first claim to maintain a human like appearances despite being an awakened being which we've only seen capable by single digit units and a rather high ones at that like Abyssal Ones and Number 2 such as Rosemary, Priscilla who both had what it took to be Number 1 if Teresa wasn't there to claim the spotlight. Unless their very talented I believe it takes a pretty long time for them to get used to their Awakened body to transform back into a human one as seen by the male claymores whom awakened in the Pieta chapters who probably had 100s of years to practice their lore. Theres no explanation how long ago you've been awakened for, is it recent? If it is I disapprove of you maintaining your claymore body, it shouldnt be possible until much later. Unless you are a claymore who has half awakened I don't like this at all. Also normally if you awakened, most other Awakened Beings drop their sword and never use it again except for Priscilla.

    Again the history could use some tweaking. I just don't see it happening, a Organization showing random interest in a random girl out of the whole orphanage. The way I depict it, the organization get their hands on many young children they can get their hands on and about 95% of the one gathered for one generation dies in their course of graduating from Trainnee to a full fledge Claymore, this I deducted from noticing how Clare only knew one person from her generation despite being around with plenty others at Pieta but she deemed everyone else as strangers cept the ones she was already familiar with. Organization shouldn't really show particular interest in you especially if you were surrounded by many other orphans at orphanage since it looks more or less like they show interest in all kids mainly girls (you could also say you were the only girl in the orphanage only if you really wanted). I don't see why the black men would come and go giving you gifts instead of just take you from the orphanage like the rest of the lost children from war, from slave markets and from orphanages. They usually take them, dress them in uniforms and raise them in a facility where danger thrives on reducing their numbers to virtually a dozen per generation (which could be as big as 182+ for all I know since Teresa was warrior number 182 of 77th generation).

    She never questioned herself and never looked back, just became a mindless killing doll and rose through the ranks without ever caring about what ranks are. Basicly it lacks personality, and it hardly matches the one you described up there all sinister and witty. Then she suddenly decided to awaken intentionally out of jest to insult the higher ups at the cost of possibly her life being on a wanted poster. Its funny because she considers at this point that they cornered her into the dark existence yet she was the one who followed the black men willingly from the beginning when he asked if she wanted to follow him to become a hero strong enough to defeat monsters. Where also did she stem her aspirations to slay Yoma when she can't remember what happened to her past let alone ever met a Yoma before? Throughout the history she can remember it looks like she never even seen blood at all by the Yoma so I don't see how she had the motivation to become a Claymore to slay Yoma when most young kids would just want to live a peaceful life they lead in the orphanage. Basicly the history lacks a reason why she became a Claymore later on the fate she considers as a dark existence. If she wanted to escape the dark existence she could have also just run away from the organization as a renegade instead of losing whats left of her humanity in her to really corner herself into a dark existence.

    She hasn't sighted by the organization, ok thats fine but please elaborate what she's been doing to keep quite. She's not a claymore but a awakened being who must feed quite abit more than normal Yoma. We'd like to know how she does it without being detected by the Eyes like Galatea or Raphaela of the equivalent who existed in this day and age (which according to Tet, Isley WILL be in the organization still and Riful in the process of being developed). I don't care if you have to use Yoma Suppressant pills or whatever but write here how she avoids them while feeding without letting the villagers know something is picking them out one by one and its not a feral animal or yoma but sinister since the corpses will probably look like dried up mummies.

    I'll add more later if I find further faults. Because its a Awakened Being I may or may not have been harsher than usual but as long as you're all good with co-operating and seeing reason within my review nothing is unfixable. I believe you can do a very good job of playing out a evil character which we only have very little of.

  2. #142
    Nyskrte is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    That was very constructive Phantom Miria and I'll crack on with molding Nyskrte into a feasible character taking your advice into consideration after I get some needed sleep. After all, the Claymores do need heels to face off against.
    Last edited by Nyskrte; 09-02-2007 at 05:24 PM.

  3. #143
    xxsaznpride is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    @Phantom Miria: It's too hard being you, I agree. Writing monstrously large essays like that just to change what... 2 things?... too much.

    ~~

    Checked your proposed character again, Nyskrte, and I gotta say I like her. Doesn't look as insanely top 5 as before, and the added notes (if you want to look at the changes like that) are nice.

    On Miria's points, you can say that she repressed her youki and ambushed random traveling parties (of smaller amounts so that they had less chance to escape) for the sake of not being hungry AND keeping herself hidden.

    For what Miria said on your personality, amnesia and subconscious motivation can work for now if you want to use the discovery of your past as source for character development.


    Now then...

    A) I look forward to looking at your final product after the changes from Miria's post.
    B) <== sensing that I'm gonna get boned by you in the RP
    C) Gotta ask... Phantom Miria, are you a guy or a girl? Cus I never know what pronoun to use...
    D) We're pretty much going to be Generation 2, right? Hmm, if that's the case, I'm going to have to change my profile a bit... and that also means no one can be #1 in this generation if Riful's a part of it... if we're going alternate universe we can, but otherwise there'd be time paradoxes.
    E) The idea of your character using osmosis instead of draining life force is a LOT more belieavable. It's also kinda the same thing... seeing as, where we live (Earth), water = life. Carbon = life too, but we don't chug CO2, do we?
    Quote Originally Posted by AvatarST
    And your name's annoying to type; from now on you're sazny.
    Farleen // Number 42

  4. #144
    Nyskrte is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    There's something about my character that's making me chicken out on sculpting her into a finish product, I can't put my finger on it, but it's driving me away from her and making me want to destroy what I've made so far, start again.

    Oh, that's it. Cliche. A Goodie gone Baddie with Goodie tendencies.

  5. #145
    qbsenuef is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    ^That was the same feeling I had when I made Id (my first character). I made Cecily instead.

    Hopefully, you still have time to save your slot.

  6. #146
    Nyskrte is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    Nyskrte just got accepted, I HAVE to fix her. I can't give up now!

  7. #147
    Phantom Miria is offline Senior Member Respected Member
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    I don't consider them as essays, rather I just compiled my thoughts into it giving every last reason with some evidence or hard logic to prove what it must be changed and it ends up being quite longer than expected. On top of that I sometimes also give recommendations and suggestions which could be helpful to resolve matters all in all making my post a jumbo nuke for people who don't like criticist reviews let alone big posts.

    Number 1 seems to be Isley since Tet wants to implement him in the storyline somewhere and I think they have plans for Riful to be somewhere. It hasn't been specified but it can work, Isley is a tough guy so it could be that he was the last few to remain unawakened and awakened nearly at the dead last, about the time Riful rose in power. Its feasible since we have no way of knowing how his awakening occured and when. I'm a harsh task master but I like to think I'm reasonable and using logic when I request for improvements. Theres been very rare cases I actually approve someone without giving them a constructive criticism, this hasn't changed since Bleach and Naruto RP days. As for my gender you may call me her, she and miss provided your age does not exceed 20+ (Common sense but don't ask for the accurate age).

    Nyskrte if you want add me on msn and I'll help out with missing bits and pieces or we can discuss about your new character. I have some pretty interesting ideas if you want to hear them.

  8. #148
    xxsaznpride is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Lol Nyskrte... so are you fixing your current chara or going from scratch... I'm kinda confused.



    Eh well... off to edit my history a little bit. Gotta take out the whole "i wanna have a nickname like Teresa" part if we're only generation 2.
    Quote Originally Posted by AvatarST
    And your name's annoying to type; from now on you're sazny.
    Farleen // Number 42

  9. #149
    TheGambit is offline Senior Member Regular
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    RPG Characters thread.

    I fixed up my character a few pages back. Don't think anyone spotted it though >_<
    ALL HOPE IS GONE

    Fifty seconds, a hundred murders.
    The bill of rights is a bill of sale.
    What will you do when the war is over?
    What will you do when your system fails!?

  10. #150
    Phantom Miria is offline Senior Member Respected Member
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    I took noticed of it and found it to my liking hence I posted no comments. Sorry I hadn't posted the approval at the time I think I was in midst of writing some other reviews and forgotten about it.

 

 
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