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  1. #1
    StealDragon's Avatar
    StealDragon is offline Super Moderator Community Builder
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    Default What Happens When You Taser Gun Yourself!!!

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    This was the advertisement in Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop window next to the condo we rented last month in Florida. So I went in to check it out. I saw something that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Gisele. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
    The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Gisele what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Tabby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Tabby (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..

    I’m sitting there alone, Tabby looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    Still in shock


    I'd like to die with the songs I love stuck in my head. I hope to make the most of these hollow bones we become.
    I raise a toast to the the souls that sang all along. I've been gathering friends to just to make some sounds,
    before the ship goes down, I've been making amends by making the rounds before the whole world ends


    [Chit Chat Specific Forum Rules] // Last Update - Friday March 13, 2009

  2. #2
    Cold-NiTe's Avatar
    Cold-NiTe is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Default

    That. Was. Hilarious.
    Dear cousin choppitychop89, you were a good relative, though I hardly knew ye.

  3. #3
    StealDragon's Avatar
    StealDragon is offline Super Moderator Community Builder
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    Default

    no matter how many times i read it i always die laughing cuz of that cat XD


    I'd like to die with the songs I love stuck in my head. I hope to make the most of these hollow bones we become.
    I raise a toast to the the souls that sang all along. I've been gathering friends to just to make some sounds,
    before the ship goes down, I've been making amends by making the rounds before the whole world ends


    [Chit Chat Specific Forum Rules] // Last Update - Friday March 13, 2009

  4. #4
    pentaelemental is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Default

    I'm confused. Is that you SD or someone else?



  5. #5
    StealDragon's Avatar
    StealDragon is offline Super Moderator Community Builder
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    Default

    its someone else, he wrote that discription in a news article and i copied it


    I'd like to die with the songs I love stuck in my head. I hope to make the most of these hollow bones we become.
    I raise a toast to the the souls that sang all along. I've been gathering friends to just to make some sounds,
    before the ship goes down, I've been making amends by making the rounds before the whole world ends


    [Chit Chat Specific Forum Rules] // Last Update - Friday March 13, 2009

  6. #6
    Ishman is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Rofl my wafle.

    I could've told him that much.

    You ever see those little electric shock things at the aquarims where you can turn a crank after you've put your two fingers on these little metal pads?

    Don't.

  7. #7
    Chizabubble is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Default

    Oh my. well that was funny. Why on earth would you do it on yourself though? Fine, don't do it on the nice cat, do it on the neighbours' bratty dog or see if it'll boil water.

    I love Steal! <3

  8. #8
    Aikido is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Default

    hahaha!!!! well written!!!

  9. #9
    Quiraikotsu is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    i'd do it to the guys in my music class-- bluddy idiots and id use ten at a time for the dinner ladies

  10. #10
    zoik is offline Senior Member Well Known
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    too funny!
    wanna appear on jackasss?
    its not that i dont respect your opinion, i just dont want to hear it!


 

 
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