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Thread: Fix this story.

  1. #1
    Chizabubble is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Post Fix this story.

    Okay. What do you all think of this? I'm thinking of basing something on it but something's lacking. Any suggestions are welcome. please don't post saying it's silly or you like it. Just tell me how to make it better.

    The Separate Nathan.

    A storyteller stood before the King and told his story.

    Born in a small village as the third son of a priest he was given work keeping the church interior clean and helping his father conduct ceremonies. He was also allowed to work in the small, limited library filled mainly with the town’s documents. As his eldest brother was inheriting the small amount of land their mother owned and his other brother was joining the King’s army, his father decided to enter him into the priesthood. He could not apply to be taught at the King’s church until he had reached a certain age and a standard level of education.
    The priest was very busy and did not have enough time to fully educate the boy. He sent him to be thought by a healer in the village with two other boys. Their names were Hilo and Joshua. He studied there for three years. In that time he fell in love with the daughter of the healer, Sara.
    Once he had learned enough to be sent to the training there came a day when he had to say goodbye to Sara. He gave her a simple chord necklace as a Parting gift. She gave him a lock of her hair.
    After seven years of studying he was granted priesthood and allowed to return home. When he got there he found that his village had been destroyed by marauders and his beloved killed. Desperate, he ignored the advice of his father and evoked a powerful spirit without making the necessary preparations. When the spirit appeared he wished to see his beloved one last time.
    The spirit was angry and granted his wish in a terrible way. It showed him Sara’s last few hours during the attack but did not allow him to help her or comfort her. Nathan’s heart broke into nine pieces, leaving his body a home to a cold intelligence. Eight of the nine pieces took his form. They became his sadness, joy, grief, love, passion, humour and grief. The ninth became his most treasured secret.
    It was then that the spirit took pity on him and took him to a seat on the sacred mountain’s peak to wait to be united with his heart. It sent the pieces to find someone who could reunite them.


    This teller than told the King that when Nathan was released his line would be replaced by a more capable ruler. The King had the storyteller killed and ordered his men to scour the land and destroy all evidence of the Legend.


    Again, tell me how to fix it. Thanks for any advice.

    I love Steal! <3

  2. #2
    Aikido is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    How to fix it? To what purpose do you intend to use this story? Perhaps you should offer some context before asking for criticisms.

  3. #3
    Chizabubble is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    It's basically a legend that is carried on in a story. A person(haven't decided who(maybe more than one) ) is being hunted and has to go and try to rejoin Nathan. It's not very well thought out yet but I need to get this perfect before I continue as it will be referred to throughout the story.

    Basically it'll be the basis for a culture. So it needs to be better.
    Last edited by Chizabubble; 03-31-2006 at 12:03 PM.

    I love Steal! <3

 

 

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