Thread: Chuck Norris Facts

i know something like this is buried deep, deep in the chit-chat section, but seeing as how this is a new humor section, i thought it would be good to have one here.

Note: these are only here because they are real funny (at least to me). for those who don't know, no one REALLY worships him like this.
so, without further ado:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink



Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.



Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep

For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.



Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Everytime you masturbate Chuck Norris punches a Mexican baby in the face.

I just saw the Family Guy episode in which Chuck Norris unleashed his Beard Fist™ like three times.

You want a fact?

Bruce Lee is better than Chuck Norris.

Yeah, I said it!

Rolf to the OP and amen to Atrum.

Originally Posted by AtrumIncendia

You want a fact?

Bruce Lee is better than Chuck Norris.

Yeah, I said it!

Well, Chuck Norris himself did say so. Oh, and he fucking loves birthdays!

This would have been funny three years ago.
Now it's just a steaming bucket of putrid fail.

I thought that was Bush's description.

You want a fact?

Bruce Lee is better than Chuck Norris.

Yeah, I said it!

YEAH! too bad he died before he could chuck on.

Originally Posted by MojoMunkeez

This would have been funny three years ago.
Now it's just a steaming bucket of putrid fail.

Sour puss.