Thread: Favorite jokes from comedians

Post your favorites jokes told by a comedian. Also if it contains foul language, please self-censors it. i would like to keep the jokes clean.

Here's 2, one from Jay Leno & the other from my favorite, Wanda Sykes.

The first is from Jay, it not what i remember but it still funny

"Senator John Edwards, is a smart guy. While most guys celebrate their anniversary paying $400 for dinner & $10 a haircut. He other hand spends $10 for dinner & $400 a haircut."

Wanda's reason why some black voters are reluctant to vote for Senator Barrack Obama.
"How can you blame The Man when you are The Man."

note: This joke is NOT RACIST, it just poking fun of the blaxploitation idea that everything is control by The Man aka the President. Usually in these film, the protagonists problems are always cause by a white man aka The Man. The jokes pokes fun of the idea of how can the brother blame The Man when The Man happens to be a brother himself.

......Please don't banned me! I new here!

....You're BAN Bitch

Funny moments?
Yeah.. How Dave Chappelle talks "How his Wife feels" on Conan O'Brien
when he drops that deal

"Anal is the only form of birth control shown to be 100% effective. Even abstinence failed once."

That dude from menarebetterthanwomen.com.

I don't know, it depends on the finishing touches and whether or not it's on Scrubs.
(Anyone else remember how that halfassed plot twist for how JD's girlfriend got pregnant?)

^I remember, and it ultimately gave a pretty horrible payoff. It's one of the main reasons the show has gone down the drains recently (that, and all the writer strikings, financial troubles, etc).

Kevjumba's Difference Between Parental Satisfaction of Grades for Asian and White people.

White parents:

A - Awesome, you did great!
B - Still good!
C - Okay, average.
D - Below average, you can still do better.
F - Pretty bad, happens every once in a while, but hey everything will be alright!

Asian parents:

A - Average. Who cares? Other Asians are getting A's too.
B - Bad. Do better, other Asians get A's.
C - Crap. What the hell's wrong with you? Lecture, lecture, punish, whip.
D - Death. Unacceptable.
F - Fucked. Far worse than death.

Why is six afraid of seven...damn! that's the funniest joke for me LOL

I heard this from a friend.
There was a contest of which priest has a strong faith in his religion. A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian priest participated. The rule was to jump off the tallest mountain and say their gods name to be saved. The first to jump was the Muslim priest, he said "Allah! Allah! Allah!" then he goes splat below the ground. The second to jump was the Buddhist, he said "Buddha! Buddha! Buddha!" and by just a metre above ground he floated and was saved. The third to jump was the Christian, he said "God!God!God!" realizing that he will die he quickly said Buddha's name and thus was saved.

First of all that joke is wrong & horrible & insulting.

So for now ONLY jokes told by Late-Night TV Comedians will be told & it will be at least clean & respectful.

Originally Posted by Brad Flow

First of all that joke is wrong & horrible & insulting.

So for now ONLY jokes told by Late-Night TV Comedians will be told & it will be at least clean & respectful.

Yeah yeah yeah. I thought it was hilarious personally.

Heres some one liners from Demetri Martin. I have a dumb sense of humor.

“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”

“I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.”

“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”

"I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.”