5. Being nosy
A woman's defining natural trait is her insatiable curiosity; that much we all know. However, that does not mean you should stoop to her level, and be inquisitive in turn. Men are much more reserved in that regard and should normally be quite satisfied with gathering little tidbits of personal information here and there, mostly by themselves, and combining them into a whole of their choice. Although some ladies enjoy giving away facts about themselves almost as much as they enjoy receiving those about others, it is not likely that your lady of the moment is among them. Therefore, do not pressure her by issuing queries regarding her private life. On the other hand, go ahead and discuss yourself as much as you wish, or even more. Feel free to exaggerate at your leisure, as women usually accept all they hear without question and later pass it on to their friends with exaggerations of their own added. This may well end up presenting viable possibilities for the future should your current date go astray.
You: "Alright, so before you start talking about other things, I've prepared a short questionnaire for you."
You: "Are you a virgin?"
Her: "Um... Excuse me?"
You: "I asked you if you were a virgin."
Her: "Uh... no."
You (writing): "Answer number one... slut. Okay, next: Have you ever had sex with a girl?"
Her (looking offended): "What?"
You: "Or, you know, just made out or something."
Her: "Not that it's any of your business, but no!"
You (writing): "Answer number two... Threesome unlikely. Too bad. Next question: Are you interested in BDSM?"
Her: "I'm not even answering that."
You (writing): "Number three... Possible... Could be persuaded by alcohol."
Her (looking very angry): "..."
You: "Great! Three down, only forty-seven to go! Next: How many incurable STDs do you currently have?"
You: "...And then I met up with you today. So, that's the life story of me and my huge penis. Questions? Comments?"
Her: "That was very... exhaustive. As for me, I was born in-"
You (interrupting): "No, no, no. You don't have to tell me anything about yourself. I don't want to pressure you or anything."
Her: "That's okay, I-"
You (interrupting again): "No, no, no, no. I don't want to make you feel like I'm some kind of stalker, obsessed with every tiny little detail about your life. I'm perfectly fine with not knowing more than I already do, seriously."
Her: "No really, it's n-"
You (interrupting yet again): "NO, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please. It's okay. No information. I'm not even that interested in you."
6. Talking to other people
Being on a date means devoting all your senses and attention to a single person: the one next to you. All other people should be disregarded as much as possible. If you happen upon an acquaintance, ignore them. If a friend approaches you, act as if you do not know him. If a stranger comes soliciting or begging for money, give them a look promising severe discomfort in their near future unless they withdraw at once. Roll up your sleeves if necessary. Leave your mobile telephone at home unless you absolutely cannot. If such is the case, disable any and all of its functions that might lead to a sound being made. Remember that one single ring may break the magic of the moment and render the lady disenchanted for the rest of the evening. If that does indeed happen, destroy the device as soon as you return to your abode.
You: "And then I kicked him in the... Holy junk, it's Frank! HEY! FRANK! OVER HERE!"
Frank (coming over): "Hey, man! Nice to see you."
You: "You too, dude! Say, have you bounced back from Saturday yet? Man, that shit was off the hook! I didn't know it was possible for a human to vomit that far. And then Mike passed out and we all teabagged him! Best party ever!"
Frank (mildly uncomfortable, glancing over at your date): "Heh, heh. Yeah. Um..."
You: "OH! I almost forgot. This is [Her]. [Her], this is Frank."
Frank: "Uh, hi."
You: "Why don't you join us, Frank?"
Frank: "No, that's okay, I was just-"
You: "I'm sure [Her] won't mind, will you, [Her]?"
Her (lips pursed): "..."
Frank: "Actually, I-"
You: "Sit down, Frank."
Frank (sitting down): "..."
You: "Isn't this nice? Say Frank, could you show [Her] your impression of Monica Lewinsky? It's hilarious."
*your phone rings*
You: "Could you guys excuse me for a minute? It's my girlfriend."
You: "You know what I think is a really underappreciated sport? Pro wrestling. I mean, these guys beat the hell out of each other on a daily basis and what do they get? A bunch of people calling them 'fakes'. It's incredibly insulting. Also, do you have any idea how many weights they have to lift to get a body like that? Speaking of their bodies, I wish I had one like that. Sometimes I imagine I-"
Waitress (rudely interrupting): "Can I get you something?"
Her: "I'd like some herbal tea with honey, please."
Waitress (looking at you): "And you? What would you like?"
You (looking away from waitress, pointedly ignoring her): "..."
Waitress (looking at you): "..."
You (still ignoring waitress): "..."
Waitress (still looking at you): "..."
You (shooting a brief angry glance at waitress, then looking away again): "..."
Waitress: "Maybe I should come back lat-"
You (jumping up, confronting waitress) "THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! Why do you keep TALKING TO US?! Can't you just LEAVE US ALONE?! Is it TOO MUCH TO FREAKING ASK?! Is it not possible for a couple to come to a cafe and sit for FIVE MINUTES without their privacy being violated, nay, utterly ANNIHILATED?! I bet you people would like to see us naked, wouldn't you? Is THAT it, huh?! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ME NAKED?! HUH?! WOULD YOU?!"
Waitress: "Sir, if you would please calm down and-"
You: "COFFEE! I want FUCKING COFFEE! There! Are you HAPPY NOW?! You've ruined it! You ruined EVERYTHING! I hope this knowledge torments you until the last days of your life! I HOPE THE PAIN FOLLOWS YOU INTO YOUR VERY GRAVE!"
Waitress: "Espresso or cappuccino?"
You (looking away, ignoring her again): "...Cappuccino."
7. Neglecting your date
I direct your attention to the first sentence of the point above. Under no circumstances whatsoever should the lady feel neglected in any way, shape or form. Do not leave her side even for a moment, barring an emergency of a truly prodigious scale. Cater to her needs if it is within your power. Get her a drink if she seems thirsty. Buy her a bite to eat if she looks hungry. Offer her your coat is she shivers. Provide her with a fan if she swelters. Give her your hat if she looks at it longingly, and so on. If a lady begins to feel that you are losing interest in her, she will soon become distant in turn. Worse yet, it may cause great damage to her self-confidence, which down the road, can eventually lead into her turning into a cold, embittered woman, a loss to you and other men everywhere, especially if she is of good looks.
Her: "So what do you think of employing the handicapped? I think it's a wonderf-"
You: "Hold that thought. I gotta go take a dump."
*25 minutes later*
You: "Okay, I'm back- wait, crap, I forgot to wipe. Back in a moment."
*12 minutes later*
You: "Alright, where were we?"
Her: "I was just saying that employing the handicapped is a wond-"
You: "Could you wait a moment? I need to go jack off."
Her: "Could you excuse me for a minute? I need to use the ladies' room."
You: "No need, I'll just come with you."
Her (looking puzzled): "..."
You (smiling encouragingly): "..."
Her: "...I'm sorry, but I'd rather go on my own."
You: "It's okay, I was in the ladies' room before. As a matter of fact, I use it all the time."
You: "Or we can go to the men's room, if you'd prefer. Say, how do you like my hat?"
8. Bailing out
There can never be a reason strong enough for you to suddenly terminate the date. Casting the lady aside in such fashion is one of the most ill-mannered, disrespectful things you can possibly do to her. By accepting her invitation to a date (or vice versa, possibly), you have given her an unspoken agreement that you will stand by her side and remain there for the entire duration of said date. It is your duty as a man to hold your word, no matter what. Failure to do so would effectively mean that you have forfeited your right to bear the title of gentleman. A flooded house, a sudden death in the family, your mother being held hostage by terrorists demanding a ransom within a restricted time period, your wife having a baby, all those things can, and in many cases will, wait.
You: "...And then the bastard fired me. Can you imagine? Let me tell you, I had half a mind to walk straight into his office and slit his- HOLY FISHING JESUS! I FORGOT ABOUT THE MACGYVER MARATHON! GOTTA GO!"
You (gone): "-"
You: "And then she left me. Just like that. One day I come home to an empty apartment. And I mean empty. She took everything. Everything. The TV, the radio, the computer, the microwave, the toaster, the dishes, the books, the carpets, the paintings, the dog, the hamsters, the food, the beer, everything. All she left me was a broken heart and an empty bed. A broken heart... and an empty bed. Except she also took the bed. She even took my porn collection. And she wasn't even into anal, [Her]... She wasn't even into anal.
Her: "...Wow... That's... too bad."
You: "I cried for months. I'd just lock myself into the bedroom and cry all day long. For months. It was hell. Hell. Anyway, [Her], I want you to know that I would never ever do anything like that to you. Ever. I would never ever leave you. Not like that. Never. I will always stay by your side. I will never, ever let you out of my sight, [Her]. All day and all night, 365 days a year, I will be there, watching over you. All the time. We will always be together. Always. We will never ever be separated. Never. Ever."
You: "What's the matter? You look a little pale."