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  1. #11
    Henchy432 is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    ^^

    Eww...gross.

    If a man speaks his mind in the middle of the woods, and there is no woman to hear him. Is he still wrong?

  2. #12
    dbzfreak10 is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    a duck walks into a convience store and asks the manager "got any grapes" the manager says "sorry we dont sell grapes here." the duck then walks out. the next day the duck walks back into the convience store and says,"got any grapes." manager says "i told you yesterday we dont have any grapes. if you come back again and ask the same thing im going to shoot you." the duck walks out. the next day the duck walks in and says "got any bullets" the manager says "no. why?" duck says "got any grapes"
    confusish say man who stand on toliet high on pot

  3. #13
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    Jakko is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Gay Jokes + Twisted Humor
    by HogWild

    I'm doing some manly stuff... watching some football while drinking a beer and knitting when I see the most amazing thing ever. Yes, it was a player with the name De'cody Fagg. I WISH I could interview this guy. This is how I imagine it would go: HOG: So... you have a very unusual name. Tell us how you got the name... De'Cody.

    DE'CODY FAGG: From my mama.

    HOG: So let's talk football. What position do like best?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Wide Receiver.

    HOG: Of course.

    DE'CODY FAGG: I used to be a Tight End.

    HOG: Before you got to college.

    DE'CODY FAGG: Right.

    HOG: Yeah, college is when a lot of people experiment. You're really an outstanding player. So soon your resume will say "Fagg: Professional Wide Receiver."

    DE'CODY FAGG: That's what I working towards.

    HOG: How did you get into football?

    DE'CODY FAGG: My dad. As a kid, he taught me to play in the backyard.

    HOG: He taught you to play in the backyard?

    DE'CODY FAGG: That's right. The backyard.

    HOG: Did you like playing in the backyard?

    DE'CODY FAGG: It felt great to play in my dad's backyard. Now I hope to spend most of my time in the End Zone.

    HOG: Naturally. Was your dad the first man to make a pass at you?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Actually, my uncle was.

    HOG: And now you are a key player for the Florida Semenholes.

    DE'CODY FAGG: It's actually pronounced "Seminoles."

    HOG: Of all the Semenholes, you are the one who always seems to be open.

    DE'CODY FAGG: Thanks. But you have to give a lot of credit to Coach.

    HOG: So it's up to your Coach to make certain that the Semenholes are open?

    DE'CODY FAGG: That's right. And Coach also runs a great defense.

    HOG: Have you ever played defense? Ever tried to get the quarterback in the sack?

    DE'CODY FAGG: I'd love to sack the quarterback. But that's not my job. My job is catch the ball.

    HOG: You enjoy catching balls?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Of course! I just wish more balls would come my way.

    HOG: You ever spike the balls?

    DE'CODY FAGG: I don't like players who are too flashy. My brother is more flashy of a player.

    HOG: So in your family, you are not the flamboyant Fagg.

    DE'CODY FAGG: No. My brother is. He loves to dance after a touchdown.

    HOG: You're not a dancer. Your main concern is penetrating the End Zone.

    DE'CODY FAGG: That's right.

    HOG: I'm sure you'd be happy to be drafted by any of the NFL teams... but if you had a choice, do you have any preferences?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Yeah. Probably the Packers or the Raiders.

    HOG: Makes sense.

    DE'CODY FAGG: Maybe the Rams.

    HOG: Who is your favorite player of all-time?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Probably Jerry Rice.

    HOG: What about the Defensive Back Randall Gay?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Who?

    HOG: Or legendary linebacker Dick Butkus?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Um...

    HOG: Or Kansas City Chiefs Assistant Coach Dick Curl?

    DE'CODY FAGG: What the hell?

    HOG: You ever play baseball?

    DE'CODY FAGG: In high school.

    HOG: Were you a pitcher or a catcher?

    DE'CODY FAGG: What? Neither.

    HOG: Were you a bench player? Did you ride the pine?

    DE'CODY FAGG: I guess you could say that. I'm best at football. Nothing is more exciting to me than a 2 minute drive to the End Zone.

    HOG: 2 minutes?!

    DE'CODY FAGG: Yeah! The quarterback pumps left, pumps right, he's being chased in the pocket... then he shoots it up the gut. I grab it, spin, a tackler grabs me from behind... I break loose, the crowd cheers...

    HOG: There's a crowd?!!!

    DE'CODY FAGG: For this kind of action?! Hell yeah! Then I stumble to the Goal. I rip off my helmet and throw it into the crowd...

    HOG: Gross!

    DE'CODY FAGG: Why? We just won the Super Bowl!

    HOG: So? What's the big deal?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Are you kidding me? The Super Bowl ring? It's all about the jewelry, baby!

    HOG: Oh, okay. Now I understand. You love jewelry.

    DE'CODY FAGG: You damn right! I wouldn't mind redecorating my house with trophies.

    HOG: Ah, now I understand! Football is all about jewelry and redecorating! Now I see why football is so important to you.

    DE'CODY FAGG: Not just for me. For my entire family! They've supported me the entire way.

    HOG: So you don't just play for yourself. You play for all the Faggs.

    DE'CODY FAGG: Now you understand.

    HOG: Last question. Let's say you're the team captain. And before the ceremonial coin toss, the ref asks you to choose... do you pick head or tail?

    DE'CODY FAGG: Tough call. Either one sounds good to me.

    HOG: De'Cody, it's been fabulous. Thank you for being here! Our next guest is Kansas City Royals pitcher Jimmy Gobble...


  4. #14
    MadDogMike is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Maybe not the funniest joke I know, but it's one that I particularly liked (and the only one that comes to mind at the moment).


    A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

    As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

    The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

    "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

  5. #15
    Sherman is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    A duck, a panda, and an Englishman all walk into a bar.

    The bartender looks up at them suspiciously as they enter, and asks, "Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"

  6. #16
    98abaile's Avatar
    98abaile is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    A man and his pet monkey enter a bar, the man sits down and orders a beer. As he drinks his beer, the monkey eats all the bar snacks and goes looking for more things to eat. Suddenly the monkey jumps up onto the pool table and to everyones surprise, eats the cue ball. The man apologises profusely to the bar man and pays for the lost ball, then leaves.

    A week later the man and his monkey return to the bar. The man orders a beer and some extra snacks for his monkey. The bar man gives the monkey a bowl of peanuts. To the barman's surprise, the monkey takes each nut one by one and inserts it in its arse before eating it.

    The bar man turns to the man and says "Thats disgusting!" To which the man replies, "I know, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he now has to check for size."

  7. #17
    Tagger is offline Senior Member Regular
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    (This one goes out to our lady viewers)
    A man has a 40 inch penis;
    Despite breaking all the records this man is miserable because, quite frankly, every woman he encounters is terrified of his enourmous love stick.
    Wanting to get it fixed he sees a doctor

    "Well Doc, how does it look? Can you help me?"
    Doing a thorough examination ("turn your head and cough!") the doctor finally states,
    "...hmmm that is a pretty big problem (Penis man rolls his eyes), but I cannot help you. However, there is a witch two blocks down who might know what to do"

    Walking along he finally comes upon the witches house
    "Well Witch, how does it look? Can you help me?"
    The witch, while amazed and impressed is also a little baffled
    "...hmmm your shlong is too long so you wish it to shrink
    You think I can do the trick for your 40 inch dick, but I can't help you, I think.
    Despite my inability theres one who may give you sterility
    go forth to the pond, two blocks past my lawn, and you shall meet a toad,
    Every time you make his say 'no', ten inches shorter will your penis know."

    Skeptical but thankful, Our hero thanks the witch and continues on his path towards freedom from using his wang as a belt.

    Finally arriving to the frog's pond he spies the ugly little dick shrinker on a lily pad.

    Big boner McGee thinks of a plan quickly and approaches the frog

    Looking down at this normal looking amphibian he states:
    "Will you Marry me?"
    Rather then croacking or just blinking at this strange proposal the frog clearly replies:
    "No."
    Looking down our friends house get's cut by a forth, he is now a cool 30 inches.
    He's ecstatic! He never thought something so simple would work! Alas his dick is still to big, so he asks the frog again:
    "Will you marry me?"
    Blinking at him the frog sharply replies:
    "No!"
    Feeling a jolt in his crotch, he peeks inside and sees that he's 20 inches, now instead of a freak he's just the world's scariest porn star.
    Despite being happy that he shaved off 20 inches with one statement, our hero decides that he'd like a 10 solid inch dick, after all what woman would refuse something like that?!
    For a final time our hero clears his throat and utters:
    "Will you marry me?"
    The frog glares at him, irratible as hell, and screams:
    "For the last time! NO, NO, NO, NO!!"
    ...Poor shmuck... literally

  8. #18
    98abaile's Avatar
    98abaile is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    A man walks into a bar carrying a box, he places the box on the table and opens it up, upon which a tiny man inside starts playing a tiny piano. Another man walks up to the first and says, "Wow, thats amazing, where'd you get him?" The first man replies, "I wished for him on this magic lamp." He places a lamp on the table. Suddenly the second man snatches the lamp, rubs it and says, "I wish for lots and lots of money."

    Just then, thousands of monkeys fall from the sky. The second man says, "What the hell, I didn't wish for that!" To which the first man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

  9. #19
    Newbie is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Apparently on YouTube, this Asian kid has a video of (supposedly) the world's funniest joke. It is about Sherlock Holmes and Watson.

  10. #20
    adonai is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    ^ I remember one (not sure if it's on youtube though).


    Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping out during an investigation.

    During the middle of the night Holmes woke up Watson and said, "Watson, what do you think about as you look up into the night sky?"

    Watson replied, "I realize my insignificance in light of the wide expanse of the heavens, human existence is without objective meaning, purpose, comprehensible truth, or essential value..."

    And then Holmes said, "Watson you idiot, somebody stole our tent."

 

 
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