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Thread: something funny

  1. #1
    Akidio is offline Junior Member Newbie
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    Default something funny

    Hey guys i got a few funny things you might like and since i'm new to the forums it was a custom on the old one i was at to give something in show of good faith so here are a few funny things........... also i know the rules say no foul languge... but in the first one there is some but i got this from a actual teacher and this is what was written, so i thought it best to just leave it as is as to preserve this first story but i will change it if asked....

    ___________________________________

    THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

    Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
    Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
    American University.

    "Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the
    tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with
    the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
    write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
    first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
    first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
    forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to
    keep
    the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything
    you
    wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both
    agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
    Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
    -------------------------------------------------------------
    STORY:
    (first paragraph by Rebecca)
    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
    chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
    now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
    that
    he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
    mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
    about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile as
    out
    of the question.
    ------------------------------------------------------
    (second paragraph by Gary)
    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
    squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think
    about
    than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
    whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
    Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar
    orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
    could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
    blasted
    a

    hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
    him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Rebecca)
    He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
    one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
    had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
    pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
    "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
    Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
    excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
    youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
    newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
    innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
    lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    (Gary)
    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
    Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
    the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
    peaceniks
    who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the
    congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
    empires
    who
    were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
    passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
    carrying
    enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
    them,
    they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
    missile
    entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
    Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,
    felt
    the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid,
    Laurie
    and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
    conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
    Let's
    blow 'em out of the sky!"
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Rebecca)
    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
    writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Gary)
    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
    writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
    chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh
    no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Rebecca)
    Asshole.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Gary)
    Bitch.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Rebecca)
    Wanker.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Gary)
    Slut.
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    (Rebecca)
    Get f****d.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Gary)
    Eat s**t.
    --------------------------------------------------------
    (Rebecca)
    F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    (Gary)
    Go drink some tea - whore.

    **************************************************
    **********

    (Teacher)
    A+ - I really liked this one.
    - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
    France .

    "Today we fight for Earth" -The Codex

    Quote Originally Posted by MojoMunkeez
    I feel as if my IQ just dropped 50 points..

  2. #2
    fabarati is offline Member Newbie
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    Default

    OOOOh, that was funny. Are those two dating now? because if this was from a hollywood movie/romantic novel, they would be.

  3. #3
    Sherman is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Default

    Haha

    But... Akidio? Hmm. Thought it was someone else...

  4. #4
    zoik is offline Senior Member Well Known
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    Default

    if only we had teachers like that...going to class would be a pleasure
    its not that i dont respect your opinion, i just dont want to hear it!


  5. #5
    AKofC is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Default

    So how's Japan?

    If you are that guy anyway.

  6. #6
    Exactly is offline Senior Member Respected Member
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    Default

    Haha, this brought a smile to my face.
    text signature

  7. #7
    reccacomic is offline Senior Member Frequent Poster
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    Default

    hahahaha this really brighten my day... but the continuation of the story was great...

  8. #8
    Akidio is offline Junior Member Newbie
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    i have no idea who you guys are talking about =/ but as i said in the say hi thread the name comes from a japanese martial art only i spelled it wrong because i did not want to get into any trouble for the name anyways..... here is another one. Now i recomemed that you take the advise in this post to heart for this can happen and i have seen what it can do to people first hand it is funny as h3ll but still anyways........

    _________________________
    (Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
    > by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
    > anniversary. )
    >
    > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    > sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
    > looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came
    > across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
    > the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    > affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
    > safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
    >
    > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
    > two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
    > the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
    > I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
    > the prongs. Awesome!!!
    >
    > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
    > on the face of her microwave.
    >
    > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    > it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,. right?!!!
    > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    > (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    > target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
    > of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
    > if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
    > against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    > advertised. Am I wrong?
    >
    > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    > hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    > would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    > supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    > three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    > ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    > would be wasting the batteries.
    >
    >
    > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    > loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself,
    > "no possible way!"
    >
    > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    > best.....
    >
    > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
    > one side as to say, "Don't do it, Master," reasoning that a one-second
    > burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
    > I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
    > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
    > MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION$!#$&$%!% *!!!
    >
    > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    > up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
    > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    > on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
    > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
    > standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
    > licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
    > again!"
    >
    > Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    > note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    > zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
    > second burst would be considered conservative.
    >
    > SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
    > sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
    > (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
    > reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
    > get there???
    >
    > My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
    > face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
    > weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
    > significant reward for their safe return.
    - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
    France .

    "Today we fight for Earth" -The Codex

    Quote Originally Posted by MojoMunkeez
    I feel as if my IQ just dropped 50 points..

  9. #9
    reccacomic is offline Senior Member Frequent Poster
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    Default

    LOLZ
    This is really best! WAhahahahahaha~!

  10. #10
    Issalroc is offline Senior Member Long Time Member
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Akidio
    i have no idea who you guys are talking about =/
    Yeah, right...

 

 
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