Thread: something funny

Hey guys i got a few funny things you might like and since i'm new to the forums it was a custom on the old one i was at to give something in show of good faith so here are a few funny things........... also i know the rules say no foul languge... but in the first one there is some but i got this from a actual teacher and this is what was written, so i thought it best to just leave it as is as to preserve this first story but i will change it if asked....

___________________________________

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with
the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to
keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything
you
wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both
agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
-------------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that
he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile as
out
of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think
about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted
a

hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks
who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the
congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires
who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,
felt
the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid,
Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's
blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get f****d.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Eat s**t.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

**************************************************
**********

(Teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.

OOOOh, that was funny. Are those two dating now? because if this was from a hollywood movie/romantic novel, they would be.

Haha

But... Akidio? Hmm. Thought it was someone else...

if only we had teachers like that...going to class would be a pleasure

So how's Japan?

If you are that guy anyway.

Haha, this brought a smile to my face.

hahahaha this really brighten my day... but the continuation of the story was great...

i have no idea who you guys are talking about =/ but as i said in the say hi thread the name comes from a japanese martial art only i spelled it wrong because i did not want to get into any trouble for the name anyways..... here is another one. Now i recomemed that you take the advise in this post to heart for this can happen and i have seen what it can do to people first hand it is funny as h3ll but still anyways........

_________________________
(Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted
> by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
> anniversary. )
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came
> across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
> the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
> affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
> safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
> two triple A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
> the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
> I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
> the prongs. Awesome!!!
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
> on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,. right?!!!
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
> hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
> would be wasting the batteries.
>
>
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
> loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself,
> "no possible way!"
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> best.....
>
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
> one side as to say, "Don't do it, Master," reasoning that a one-second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
> I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
> MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION$!#$&$%!% *!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
> up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
> standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
> again!"
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
> zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
> second burst would be considered conservative.
>
> SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
> sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
> (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
> get there???
>
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
> face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
> weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
> significant reward for their safe return.

LOLZ
This is really best! WAhahahahahaha~!

Originally Posted by Akidio

i have no idea who you guys are talking about =/

Yeah, right...