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  1. #1
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    Default Hey guys, harshly rate this story I did back in high school.

    It was for a project, and I was cleaning my room yesterday and found the first page. So go have a read, and tell me what I'm doing wrong. ^___^


    It was the second month of Spring, with the birds chirping, and the bees buzzing, and the flowers blooming as the wind carried forth the words of love, and how more evident could spring be in the little town of Yules? After all, it was here in this cozy little town that Marcusí first love had blossomed, and is still blossoming as far as he was concerned.

    The warmth of the sun danced softly upon the freckles on Francesí face, and as the sunlight sparkled upon her curly blonde hair, Marcus thought of her as a golden flower glistening in the midst of a short spring shower. He took note of this, as based upon a one time experience, his one true love adored compliments, and who was he to deprive the poor girl of the attention he was so sure she needed?

    After all, they had not seen each other for nearly ten months. In fact, ever since his mother signed him up with the Etara border patrol, all he ever saw was snow in the summer and even more snow in the winter, and sometimes if his unit got lucky, a plump little rabbit sent by the Divine King himself, as it would be no mean feat for a rabbit to trek it all the way from the plains up to the barren wasteland that was the Ferris Mountains and eventually Forte Pass. Of course there were the occasional stragglers from the war with the Republic of Oris, and Marcus was glad he didnít cause his mother enough grief to warrant signing him up for the army. He was hardly in his seventeenth summer when he was signed on, much too young (and smart) to be wasting oneís life fighting against a country of Mages, Marcus thought.

    Indeed, his sufferings were harsh and plentiful during those months, but no more. With his service to his nation served, he was ready to hand over the reigns to the younger generation. Namely his brother and his cousins, which would explain the many hearty laughs and jeers that escaped him as the new unit showed up to relieve his of their duties. And it was such that now, he was here at last with the girl he loved, the same girl he had told of his feelings, the same girl who accepted those feelings, and the same girl who cried as much as he did when they found out that he was to serve beginning the next day and was to move out in an hour. Ah, truly, life is grand. For here was Francesí beautiful face signifying spring, ready to oppose the winter ridden face of his former commandant. In fact, Marcus was so deep in appreciation of the almost poetic symbolism, that he didnít actually quite get what Frances was saying. Even such a melancholic face looked good on her.

    Ö Melancholic?

    ďIím sorry Marcus, IíveÖ Iíve fallen for another man.Ē

  2. #2
    bamboozler is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    meh, its not as good as my mouse story. :P

    "Grapes and grapes!"

  3. #3
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    What the bloody hell man!?! I said harshly! That wasn't harshly! That was... uh... pansy...ly!

  4. #4
    Aikido is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    That brought me to tears. The touching elegance. The heartfelt metaphors. Honestly, it took me to my knees. I am a believer. I believe once again. Thank you, my angel of prose.

  5. #5
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    O.o

    The hell was that?

    I want constructive criticism, as I'm considering finishing this up and using it for a project.

  6. #6
    Aikido is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    I cant tell if your serious...

    If you say you are, I will post my criticism.

  7. #7
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    Yes I'm serious. Why do you think I posted it here? One of the harshest places on the internet?

  8. #8
    Aikido is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    ugh... fine.

    Your first paragraph sucks. The first sentence is a run on, and the imagery is trashy and cliche.

    There is no segue between the first and second paragraphs introducing or describing either of the characters.

    The second paragraph itself isnt so bad. You have issues with narrative voice though.

    Ok. You're trying to convey a lot of useful information in the third paragraph, but I'm not convinced you do it effectively. The first sentence is, once again, a run on. I don't know what you mean by stragglers... It obscures the meaning of the next sentences. I thought he was already in the army...? Make the distinction between the army proper and the border patrol.

    umm... The final paragraph isnt so bad either. Use more periods. Expand your thoughts more. Allow time for information to set in.


    Melancholic is a word. Yes. It seems like youre asking the reader if melancholic is a word. I understand where youre going, but I think that you need to make that thought transition more clear. Again, stronger narrative voice might help.


    I really hope you needed this criticism.

  9. #9
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    Thanks.

    *throws it out the window*

    Why?

    Well, if I do find the second page of this thing, it basically explains things from there. And that's weeks laters with our hero moping around. Introductions are done by flashback and stuff.

    Good criticism, but not the kind you would give to the first page of a story. More emphasis on how it's going.

  10. #10
    Aikido is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    Ok. First thing. Everything that you just said in your previous post? Say that first off, and save me a lot of time.

    With that knowledge:
    The world is interesting, there is violence and sex, with is also promising. Stories with flashbacks can be fun.

    Again, you still need to work on clearing up the narrative voice. Make it more clear in each paragraph that this is from Marcus' point of view.

    You do have a problem with run ons. Periods are your friend (in a completely non-sexual sense).

    This help better?

    EDIT: going to get coffee, back in 20.
    Last edited by Aikido; 05-15-2006 at 08:21 PM.

 

 
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