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  1. #11
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    Yeah the period thing is right. Even my teacher told me I abused comma's. But comma's are so sexy. And I have too much to say in a single sentence. And if I used a period, I have trouble linking the idea to the previous sentence.

    The narrative, I think I'll keep.

  2. #12
    Aikido is offline Senior Member Community Builder
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    It's not your narrative style that I'm addressing. It is just unclear at times who the speaker is, or how the speaker is thinking about the particular topic youre addressing.

    And yeah, I had the same problem with overabuse of commas.

  3. #13
    Sherman is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Biggest criticism: Use some fucking full-stops, you piece of shit. Even a thousand retarded monkeys sitting at a thousand typewriters would never make sentences that long.

    Secondly: Get to the point quicker. Or make the intro longer. It feels like too much shit jammed into too small a space. Either give the intro more time to fill itself out, and elaborate (read: elabor-ATE, not elabor-IT), or cut some of the crap and get to the point.

    Jesus, man, how fucking old are you? This story sucks some serious donkey balls. And I've seen some donkey-ball-sucking stories in my time.

    EDIT: And while I'm at it, how about altering your sig? Something's wrong with it cos every page I go to now that you've posted on stretches on about 1.5 screens across. Knock it off.
    Last edited by Sherman; 05-16-2006 at 05:53 AM.

  4. #14
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    Hey, it's just a page I found while cleaning my room. It's not like I fit the first chapter in a single piece of paper double spaced.

    ^____________^

  5. #15
    Sherman is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Still, it feels kind of overwhelming. Throwing a full-stop (or "period" as you guys like to call it - reminding me of the pull-out thread) in there from time to time would probably help out a bit with that.

    And put a hyphen in "one-time".

    Also, "Marcus was glad he didn’t cause his mother enough grief to warrant signing him up for the army. He was hardly in his seventeenth summer when he was signed on, much too young (and smart) to be wasting one’s life fighting against a country of Mages, Marcus thought."
    -- get rid of "Marcus thought" at the end. It's self-explanatory and repetitive.

    And I see you haven't changed your sig yet. Shit.

  6. #16
    Black James Vain is offline Banned Well Known
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    Thanks. I'll take note of the stuff Aikido didn't already point out. One doesn't improve without the help of harsh critics.

  7. #17
    Sherman is offline Senior Member Always Around
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  8. #18
    zen
    zen is offline Senior Member Well Known
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    now that is true criticm Sherman....

  9. #19
    Sherman is offline Senior Member Always Around
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    Got swept up in the moment.

    Now I'm searching through Gantz for some appropriate images to shock my Buddhist girlfriend. Just look at what this forum does to me.

  10. #20
    Ashtray is offline Member Frequent Poster
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    Quote Originally Posted by Black James Vain
    It was for a project, and I was cleaning my room yesterday and found the first page. So go have a read, and tell me what I'm doing wrong. ^___^


    It was the second month of (caps?) Spring, with the birds chirping, and the bees buzzing, and the flowers blooming as the wind carried forth the words of love, and how more evident could spring be in the little town of Yules? After all, it was here in this cozy little town that Marcusí first love had blossomed, and is still blossoming as far as he was concerned.

    The warmth of the sun danced softly upon the freckles on Francesí face, and as the sunlight sparkled upon her curly blonde hair, Marcus thought of her as a golden flower glistening in the midst of a short spring shower. He took note of this, as based upon a one time experience (I'm not entirely sure what the fuck this line means), his one true love adored compliments, and who was he to deprive the poor girl of the attention he was so sure she needed?

    After all, they had not seen each other for nearly ten months. In fact, ever since his mother signed him up with the Etara border patrol, all he ever saw was snow in the summer and even more snow in the winter, and sometimes if his unit got lucky, a plump little rabbit sent by the Divine King himself, as it would be no mean feat for a rabbit to trek it all the way from the plains up to the barren wasteland that was the Ferris Mountains and eventually Forte Pass.(Shorten this sentence, it eludes my attention span) Of course there were the occasional stragglers from the war with the Republic of Oris, and Marcus was glad he didnít cause his mother enough grief to warrant signing him up for the army. He was hardly in his seventeenth summer when he was signed on, much (far would be a better choice of words) too young (and smart) to be wasting oneís life fighting against a country of (caps?) Mages, Marcus thought.

    Indeed, his sufferings were harsh and plentiful (contrast? plentiful tells us that he had many trials, but the word itself has a positive sound that doesn't particularly fit when paired with "harsh") during those months, but no more. With his service to his nation served, he was ready to hand over the reigns to the younger generation (his brother would be in the same generation in the proper use of the word, just younger), namely (sentences combined) his brother and his cousins, which would explain the many hearty laughs and jeers that escaped him as the new unit showed up to relieve his of their duties. And it was such (what is such? "And it was in that state"? what do you mean?) that now, he was here at last with the girl he loved, the same girl he had told of his feelings, the same girl who accepted those feelings, and the same girl who cried as much as he did when they found out that he was to serve beginning the next day and was to move out in an hour. Ah, truly, life is grand, for (sentences combined) here was Francesí beautiful face signifying spring, ready to oppose the winter ridden face of his former commandant. In fact, Marcus was so deep in appreciation of the almost poetic symbolism, that he didnít actually quite get what Frances was saying. Even such a melancholic face looked good on her.

    Ö Melancholic?

    ďIím sorry Marcus, IíveÖ Iíve fallen for another man.Ē
    Your writing style is a bit long winded at times and you seem to be trying a bit hard to show your vocabulary, which is good but a bit unnecessary. It might just be because I just woke up, but some of your sentences run on a bit long for my attention span. However your grammar is for the most part very good and it's better written than I'd expect from most people on this board if thats saying anything? Hope you can make use of some of my edits if you need em o.O

 

 
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