Yeah the period thing is right. Even my teacher told me I abused comma's. But comma's are so sexy. And I have too much to say in a single sentence. And if I used a period, I have trouble linking the idea to the previous sentence.
The narrative, I think I'll keep.
It's not your narrative style that I'm addressing. It is just unclear at times who the speaker is, or how the speaker is thinking about the particular topic youre addressing.
And yeah, I had the same problem with overabuse of commas.
Biggest criticism: Use some fucking full-stops, you piece of shit. Even a thousand retarded monkeys sitting at a thousand typewriters would never make sentences that long.
Secondly: Get to the point quicker. Or make the intro longer. It feels like too much shit jammed into too small a space. Either give the intro more time to fill itself out, and elaborate (read: elabor-ATE, not elabor-IT), or cut some of the crap and get to the point.
Jesus, man, how fucking old are you? This story sucks some serious donkey balls. And I've seen some donkey-ball-sucking stories in my time.
EDIT: And while I'm at it, how about altering your sig? Something's wrong with it cos every page I go to now that you've posted on stretches on about 1.5 screens across. Knock it off.
Last edited by Sherman; 05-16-2006 at 05:53 AM.
Hey, it's just a page I found while cleaning my room. It's not like I fit the first chapter in a single piece of paper double spaced.
Still, it feels kind of overwhelming. Throwing a full-stop (or "period" as you guys like to call it - reminding me of the pull-out thread) in there from time to time would probably help out a bit with that.
And put a hyphen in "one-time".
Also, "Marcus was glad he didn’t cause his mother enough grief to warrant signing him up for the army. He was hardly in his seventeenth summer when he was signed on, much too young (and smart) to be wasting one’s life fighting against a country of Mages, Marcus thought."
-- get rid of "Marcus thought" at the end. It's self-explanatory and repetitive.
And I see you haven't changed your sig yet. Shit.
Thanks. I'll take note of the stuff Aikido didn't already point out. One doesn't improve without the help of harsh critics.
now that is true criticm Sherman....
Got swept up in the moment.
Now I'm searching through Gantz for some appropriate images to shock my Buddhist girlfriend. Just look at what this forum does to me.
Your writing style is a bit long winded at times and you seem to be trying a bit hard to show your vocabulary, which is good but a bit unnecessary. It might just be because I just woke up, but some of your sentences run on a bit long for my attention span. However your grammar is for the most part very good and it's better written than I'd expect from most people on this board if thats saying anything? Hope you can make use of some of my edits if you need em o.O
Originally Posted by Black James Vain